Explosive Love
by Moggie
Summary: [COMPLETE][GCR]&[GSR] Character Death. A big bang and chaos. [Will be GSR]
1. Chapter 1

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Explosive Love

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Author: Moggie

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Pairing: GCR & GSR Will be GSR

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Rating: Pg13

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Category: Drama/Romance

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Spoilers: Mentions of Hank & Eddie. Maybe some from Season 4

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Summary: GCR & GSR Character Death. A big bang and chaos. Will be GSR

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Disclaimer: I do not own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, nor do I do character bashing. This is for the enjoyment of others and for my restless mind.

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WARNING: There might be Grissom and Catherine scenes that may discourage you. I cringe writing it, so I apologise for what I'm about to do, but it's all in the name of **_Grissom and Sara's Love._**

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Thank you: to Stumpycat for her impatience. She's the one that made me press on with this story. Thanks Best Buddy! I also want to thank those who were kind enough to help me with this fic. I apologise for the previous version, it was not a good time to write such a deep feeling fic and I forgot the feelings and correct characterization, so, I've gone back and changed it. I hope it's to everyone's liking now. This is my story and I write in my own style, so only constructive criticism is welcome. Enough of the hard talk. ;-) Read on!

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Chapter 1

… …

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"He's in a bad mood, so I wouldn't bother him." Sara warned as the others walked towards her and Grissom's office, which was behind her.

Catherine nodded and handed off her evidence to Nick and Warrick. "I'll be there in a minute guys."

Sara turned as Catherine past her. She watched in horror as Catherine entered Grissom's office without knocking and closed the door after her.

Shortly after entering the break room, Sara sat down at the table and waited for the others to arrive.

"Ok." Grissom paused as he approached the table. He eyed the room. "Where is everyone?"

"Right here boss." Nick and Warrick walked into the room. "Just dropping evidence off with Greg." Nick sat down while Warrick helped himself to some coffee.

Sara looked up, waiting.

Catherine entered the room and planted a hand on Grissom's back as she past by him.

Sara watched as they shared a longing look. She had to tear her eyes from the display when Grissom actually blushed.

… …

Sara walked through the door with her field kit in her left hand. She reached up and removed her sunglasses to better see her surroundings. Placing her kit at her feet, she pocketed her glasses as she scanned the room.

"Where's the body?" She asked the officer standing in the hallway.

"Down there to the left. It's in the kitchen." He informed her, pointing to his left and moving aside to let her pass. "You alone?" He inquired.

Sara shook her head as she walked past. "The other's will be here shortly. Thanks." She smiled at him and made her way towards the body.

After doing a walkthrough and wrote in her note book, Sara retrieved her kit from the front door and proceeded to process the body and scene.

Collecting hairs from the body and blood swabs, she finished photographing and turned to the kitchen. Walking over to the back door, Sara heard voices and footsteps behind her. She didn't need to turn, but she did.

"Hey guys." She greeted as Catherine and Grissom entered the room with kits in hand.

"How'd you get here before us?" Catherine asked as Grissom got down on his knees to look over the body.

Sara shrugged and turned back to the door. "I was only down the street investigating a B&E." Returning to her kit beside the body, she glanced at Grissom. "David should be here any minute to take the body."

Grissom nodded and stood up. "Good. Looks like you've got everything under control. I'm going to head back to the lab."

Catherine reached out and grabbed his hand before he could leave.

Sara caught this and immediately looked away, turning to print the door.

After collecting several prints from the door and a footprint from the floor, Sara packed the evidence into her case and lifted it up as she stood. "Ready to go?" She asked Catherine, who was standing by the cooker.

"Sure." She smiled. "Didn't do a thing, but hey, you got a solve, right?"

Sara grinned. "You never know." As she was about to leave the room, she notice something in the air. "Hey Cath, can you smell that?"

Catherine wrinkled up her nose. "Yeah. Smells like petrol, or-"

"Gas!" Sara cried out as Catherine turned to the cooker, knocking a switch that sparked.


	2. Chapter 2

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Chapter 2

… …

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Sara stood there with her Starbucks coffee in hand as she exited the diner that the entire PD and Lab personnel used during work hours, which was all day and all night for Vegas enforcement workers.

She reached into her pocket for her car keys so she could head home before the day flittered by. As she was crossing the parking lot, her eyes fell on Catherine as she stood be her own car across the street. The blonde was waiting for something.

Soon that something, someone, came out of the lab entrance with a briefcase and stack of papers under his arm. Sara watched as her boss, Gil Grissom, the man she had tried to confide in, the man she secretly love-- walk straight towards Catherine.

Catherine took the papers from him and planted them in the back foot-well of her car before turning back and…

Sara's heart stopped.

Grissom had leaned down to kiss Catherine.

And to Sara's painstaking horror, it was not just your friendly kiss either. This wasn't the first time she'd seen them, but it always shook her and sobered her every time she came across them in some embrace or another.

This one was initiated by Grissom, that's what really shocked her. He held Catherine close and kissed her deeply, his hands on the blondes body with familiarity that made Sara's stomach churn.

Sara knew he'd been out with woman in the past, but she'd never known them and that had seemed to lessen the sting a little, but seeing him holding a woman she knew and worked with, hurt more than she could imagine.

Swallowing the prickling pain in her throat, she managed to toss her much loved Starbucks into the nearest trash can and climbed into her car, trying to block the imagery from her mind as she drove past them on her way out of the parking lot.

… …

She felt a heavy weight on her chest as she tried to move. She felt hands holding her down. Her voice was loud and scratchy as she tried to get free.

"You need to stay still." A voice insisted. She couldn't make out if it was female or male, only that the pain was worsening.

"Get Offa Me!" She screamed in pain.

"We need some help in here!" Cried another voice.

"Ah!" She screamed again, the pain too much for her to bare. "It Hurts!"

"Try and stay still. We're trying to insert a needle to help relieve the pain. Hold still just a little longer." The voice from before soothed into her ear, though it sounded slightly gurgled.

She tried to lie still, but the pain wasn't helping. She felt hot and sweaty. Her heart was beating a mile a minute and her brain was screaming at her to put out the flames.

Soon everything went quiet and the pain stopped. She could see bright lights above her in lines as she was moved someplace. The colour of the ceiling was pure white and the walls were an almost lime green.

Settled into a darkened room after what felt like hours of torture, she slept.

When she woke, she could feel stickiness and discomfort. She was so tired and could barely open her eyes. She sensed that someone was in the room, moving about, but she couldn't see them, she couldn't move.

"Sara?" A soft voice called out her name from above.

She opened her eyes a little and saw a woman in a white coat and her hair was pinned up out of her eyes. Her face had little if no makeup on and she was smiling at her.

"Hey. My name is Julie. Do you know where you are?"

Sara's eyes closed again and again as she tried to think, but she couldn't. She was so tired and before she could try to answer, she was asleep again.

"It's normal, don't worry about it. At the moment, the best thing she can do is sleep." Julie explained as she stood up and looked at the worried faces across the room.

"Will she be alright?" Nick asked as he approached the bed and looked his friend over.

Julie nodded and offered him a reassuring smile. "She'll be just fine."

Warrick moved to the foot of the bed and lightly touch Sara's feet with one of his big hands. "You get better girl."

Nick turned and headed for the door with Warrick following. Julie brought up the rear after she had checked Sara's stats and blood pressure. She was writing on her clipboard when Nick turned back.

"Does she know what happened?" He asked, moving with them to leave the room.

Julie shook her head. "I'm sorry, but she hasn't woken up yet. That was the first time she was conscious since she was brought in yesterday."

"How do you think she'll take it?" Warrick asked, looking at both Nick and Julie for answers.

"Right now, I'm more concerned with how she's going to react when we tell her about Cath." Nick worriedly chewed his thumbnail.

Warrick nodded and sighed. "She's a fighter, Nick. She'll get through this."

"I sure hope so, Warrick." Nick rubbed his forehead tiredly and leaned against the wall outside. "Have you seen Grissom?"

Warrick sat down on a waiting chair and dropped his head into his hands. "Um, briefly. He was with Cath's mom and Lindsey."

Nick sat down and rested his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together. "How did they seem?"

"Bout what you'd expect."

"Yeah." Nick nodded. He looked up and down the corridor for a few silent minutes, before looking at Warrick. "I can't believe Cath's really gone." The pain in his voice was evident.

… …

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"Wasn't Grissom supposed to take you out for breakfast after that Telford Case yesterday?" Nick asked as he watched Sara sit down at the diner table beside him.

Sara looked around the table at Greg, Warrick and Nick. "He cancelled." She told them as neutrally as she could.

Nick and Warrick shared a concerned look while Greg stuck into his pancakes and pretended to ignore them.

"Didn't he rain check it for today?" Nick asked.

Sara pulled her coffee closer and shrugged. "Not really. He said he was going to take Catherine home."

"Oh right. Guess he heard about her blow up in the interrogation room." Nick chuckled. "That was some swift talking from her."

"Nick?" Sara stared at her coffee, absently stirring in her cream and sugar. "You think it's serious between them?"

"Cath and Grissom?" Nick asked only to look at her to know the answer. "Sara-" He sighed.

She forced a grin and looked up. "Hey, I obviously took too long." She shrugged and focused back on her coffee. "No big deal."

"Okay." He said worriedly. "I think it's, not serious yet. Just dating."

Sara nodded, her shoulders deflating slightly.

… …

When Sara woke up again, she was surprised to find she was actually in a hospital room. She panicked at first, but then noticed that she couldn't move much without it hurting. She closed her left hand instinctively and felt the call button resting under her palm.

She pressed the button and in less than a minute someone entered the room.

"Hey Sara. Remember me? I'm Julie. I was here last night when you woke up." Julie asked as she brushed Sara's hair back and smiled down at her. "How you doing this morning?"

Sara closed her eyes and turned her head to look past Julie. "What happened?"

Julie carefully tilted Sara's head up to help her drink a glass of cool water to sooth her dry throat. "You were brought in yesterday morning. Do you remember anything?"

Sara shook her head slowly and looked down at her arm that was resting at the side of her, covered in what looked like tinned foil. "What happened? Where's Catherine?" She asked quickly, trying to sit up as she began panicking.

"It's going to be ok, Sara. Lie back and get some more sleep." Julie gently adjusted the pillows, but Sara was still restless. "The doctor will talk to you when you're feeling a bit better."

"What's happening? What's wrong with me?" She asked rapidly, trying to sit up again.

The door opened and Grissom entered with a plastic cup in one hand a book in the other. Upon seeing the struggle, he planted his items on the side and assisted Julie.

"Hey, hey, where are you going?" He eased her back to the pillows and smoothed out the blanket.

"What happened!?" She sobbed, turning her head away from both of them. She didn't want to see him.

Grissom looked up at Julie and nodded. "It's ok. I'll tell her."

"Ok." She looked down at Sara. "I'll be right outside if you need me, Sara."

After Julie left, Grissom moved around the bed to stand above her. "Hey." He said quietly, pulling some tissues from a box on the side table to push them into her good hand for the tears. "How are you feeling?"

Sniffling tiredly, Sara shook her head and looked away from him. "I can't feel much of anything in my right arm. I can't move my fingers, and my neck stings." She sighed.

"There was an explosion." Grissom started, reaching for her hand to hold it, but stopped and hovered. The sight and feel of holding Catherine's hand was still too fresh in his memory. He settled for resting his hand on the blanket, inches from hers. "The house blew up. The fire-fighters say it was a gas fire. Started in the kitchen. It could have been turned on by the suspect to blow up the evidence. We won't be sure until the fire-fighters do their inspection." He paused for a moment. "That's where they found you. In the kitchen" His voice faltered slightly, but he cleared his throat and continued. "You have 2nd degree burns on your right side. They had to cut your hair because the fire singed the ends." He stopped, not knowing what else to say.

Sara turned her head and looked at him through tear filled eyes. "Where's Cath?"

Grissom looked away, then he looked down at his hand. His voice was low and slightly shaken. "She was right in front of the blast. She didn't feel a thing. She died."

Sara forced her hand to stay where it was for a few minutes, pushing away the urge to reach up and touch his face to comfort him. Giving in to reaching out, she slowly covered his hand with hers. She watched with blurry eyes as he pulled his hand from beneath hers to cross the room to the window.


	3. Chapter 3

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Chapter 3

You could say that Grissom was Sara's best friend. Had been for a long time. Though there had been quiet spells and arguments, but what friendship didn't have fall outs here and there? Their thirst for knowledge and work is what keeps them on the same wavelength. Though this friendship was mostly seen at work, their private life was kept apart from their professional.

It wasn't widely known, but Grissom was in a relationship with Catherine and it was nearly their one month anniversary. Sara was probably the first one who knew this, but that was only because Grissom had confided in her. As best friends do.

Even though Sara had feelings festering deep inside her for her best friend, she tried to keep them from him and the public. She knew he wasn't interested in her like that and she didn't want to lose a friend over something as trivial as love. It was overrated anyway.

She had repeated that more than a few times to herself in private when she would walk in on them kissing in his office or see them holding hands as they walked through the parking lot. She was thankful that she never saw them any other time because she didn't know if she could take seeing Grissom falling over himself with another woman.

Now, since the explosion, guilty thoughts swam through her mind. What if she did this or, what if she did that? There was starting to become so many possibilities that could have prevented this, but when the questions stopped, she was still stuck with burns, short hair and her best friends withdrawal.

Though Grissom's withdrawal wasn't something new, it still stung that he'd pull away from her at a time like this. She was trying so hard not to feel left out and hurt by his actions, but she knew he was hurting and mourning.

She understood that it was tough losing a friend you knew for more a decade. Catherine and Grissom had been friends long before they even met and he was having a relationship with Catherine at the time of her death. That must be hard to come to terms with.

"He's at home, keeping to himself." Warrick told her as he set a vase of flowers on the side table.

"What about Catherine's family?" Sara asked quietly, staring out the window. She was sat up with pillows tucked behind her and one cradling her right arm over her legs.

It had been a four days since the explosion and Grissom had only seen her once after he her told her about Catherine. He was trying to find out what happened and comfort Catherine's family at the same time as juggling his emotions. It was a ticking time bomb and they all knew it. Though no one knew who he would go to to talk.

"Coping. Lindsey's staying with her grandmother. So, she's taken care of." Warrick informed her as he sat in the visitors chair.

Sara turned her eyes away from the window to her injured arm. "When's the funeral?"

"Next week. The fire-fighters confirm the gas was deliberately turned on. Ecklie thinks it was the suspects attempt at getting rid of the evidence. They obviously didn't take in account that someone would find the body so soon. Could have been startled before they got the chance to make a spark." Warrick shrugged. "There are too many possibilities to suggest any one thing. Everything's a wash."

Out of hospital and back at home was what Sara needed. She was tired of hospital food and the constant sleep interruptions from nurses and doctors. All she needed was rest and to keep going to her checkups at the local burns unit.

With her right arm in a sling to prevent her from moving it about, Sara reached into the cupboard and pulled out a cup. She was determined to make a cup of hot chocolate if her life depended on it.

Dropping the spoon, she sighed. It wasn't usually this bad with her left hand, but she is normally right handed. She was going to have to learn to use her left sooner or later and making a hot drink was a beginning.

Smiling with some pride, Sara picked up her cup and headed back to settle on the couch and watch some boring TV.

Though the doctor had suggested someone stay with her, she was adamant not to become dependant on the others. She wanted to forget what had happened and get one with living life.

Around six o'clock in the evening, Grissom was at the door, knocking hard. "Sara!" He yelled through the door.

Startled from sleep, Sara could hear the panic in his voice. At first she didn't know what to do. He was obviously here because of the explosion. What other reason would there be?

Shifting slowly to the edge of the couch, Sara managed to stand without hurting too much. When she opened the door, she stepped back in shock as he closed in on her and hugged her. "Grissom? What's wrong?" She asked with concern, puzzled by his reaction.

It was one thing standing at a distance and be friends, but to actually be hugged be this man was very confusing. It wasn't like him. Grissom wasn't a touchy feely person, but she suspected that changed when he started dating Catherine. Catherine was all about touch and feelings. That was the type of person she was.

Not getting any response, she hesitantly placed her good hand on his head and gentle brushed her fingers through his hair, then ran her hand down his back, not knowing what else to do.

He breathed heavily, finally catching his breath and not even thinking about how odd it must be that he was holding onto her. "I just needed to see you." and it was true. He had been at home trying to sleep, thinking about Catherine and what he was going to do now, when Sara's burnt and battered body flashed before his eyes. He suddenly realise he could have lost them both.

For a moment, Sara winced when he crushed her to his chest, but the feel of him holding her meant more to her than her current discomfort.

… …

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"I can't, Sara. I've got to get this paperwork finished."

Sara looked at him, slightly confused by his sudden change in attitude. "But, you told me to remind you."

Grissom sighed, roughly pulled off his glasses and dropped them to his desk. His eyes held tiredness and frustration as they fixed onto hers. "I'm busy. Can't you see that Sara?" He stared at her a moment longer before reaching for his glasses and going back to his work. "Haven't you got a case to work." He said dismissively.

She nodded and turned. "Sorry to bother you."

It had only been an hour since she last saw him and he suggested they meet up for breakfast to talk about the case she was working. She didn't know what could have happened in that time. It must have been something bad or he wouldn't have acted in such a way. Not able to find an answer, she went back to the break room to collect her case file and go home instead. Maybe she could find some answers for her case in a quiet place, alone.

… …

Grissom was standing in the kitchen, stirring vegetables into a sweet and sour sauce. He had calmed down after his arrival at the door. His apology for scaring Sara was to make dinner. It was still odd that he was here in the first place and neither wanted to think of the reasons behind it.

"Want to watch TV?" Sara asked nervously, trying to keep herself busy and away from the kitchen to give him some space to think. He was in her home and it was just not like him.

"Sure, dinners almost done." He looked up from the pan with a calm face, though he tried to show a little concern with his question. "How you doing anyway?"

Moving to stand next to the breakfast unit, she shrugged her left shoulder a little. It was still too soon to move about more freely. "Got my first check up tomorrow morning. The doctor says I'll have scarring though." She said sadly as she ran her index finger down the edge of the unit.

Grissom turned the hotplate off. "Dinners ready." He announced, breaking the short silence as softly as he could.

"I'll grab the juice." Sara offered as she waited for him to sit on the couch before heading for the fridge.

Sitting down and eating the stir fry Grissom had prepared, they started watching a forensics documentary, though it didn't seem to catch either of their attention.

Sara was the one who broke the silence that had settled over them. "Grissom?"

He looked up from his food to look at the TV. "Yes."

She swallowed nervously as she pushed her food around her plate. "I'm sorry about Catherine."

The silence that followed was uncomfortable.

Grissom shifted a little before standing. "I better get going." He said suddenly. "Will you be ok?" He asked, walking into the kitchen to rinse his plate.

Sara stared at his back while he placed his washed plate on the draining board. She watched as he dug for his keys and stood at the front door. He looked at her for an answer, which she just nodded and looked back down at the food she suddenly wasn't hungry for.

… …

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"Hey Griss." Sara grinned as she strolled into the layout room. "Got something for ya." She placed two DNA results, side by side, in front of him before taking a seat beside him.

Grissom looked over the results sheet with a sceptical expression, not intending to find what he was looking for. He jumped up from his stool. "This is great!" He passed her, touching her arm before rushing out of the room. "Got to find Catherine!" He shouted back.

Sara's grin faded slightly and a small sad smile showed through as she looked over the evidence on the layout table. "No problem." She whispered softly, a hint of defeat in her voice. There where the three of them working the case after all. It was only far to share the fresh lead with the person working with the police while they looked for the physical evidence.

… …

Just one week after being released from the hospital, Sara was well into her rehabilitation program. Nick, Warrick and Greg visited nearly every morning after shift to see how she was. Grissom rang when he was working to make sure she had everything and that she was ok. It was odd at first to have him ask her if she was ok and if there was anything he could do, but she just took it as a friendly gesture, which it was.

Most the time Sara spent at home, everyone, in one way or another; made sure she knew they were thinking of her. She had flowers and cards littering her small apartment. Every time she turned and looked at the collection of flowers, she couldn't help but think of Catherine's daughter Lindsey. It must have been awful telling a child that their mother was dead. She wondered who told her.

Probably her grandmother.

After running out of vases, Sara gave the rest of the flowers to her elderly neighbours, who took them gratefully and wished her well.

The following week, Sara pulled on her jacket as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She sighed as she buttoned the top button of her blouse. Scrutinising her appearance once again, she tugged on the edge of the black glove she wore on her right hand. It still hurt to move and she was cautious walking around without her sling. It made her off balance and she kept banging into things. This way she had both arms to steady her.

A knock at the door made her jump.

Checking herself again, she went to answer it.

"Ready?" Nick asked as Warrick adjusted his tie.

Sara offered them a small sad smile. "Yeah." She picked up her keys and followed them out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

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Chapter 4

Standing around the coffin, they all listened to the priest. Catherine's family stood on one side and friends stood on the other. The lab personnel took up most of that room. All stood in black, as customary for a funeral.

Sara kept her eyes averted most of the ceremony as she could feel people watching her. She was standing between Warrick and Greg, while Nick took up Greg's side with Jacqui and Bobby.

As Lindsey placed a brightly coloured red rose on her mother's coffin, Sara had to close her eyes and turn her head away.

Flexing her right hand in the confines of her pocket, Sara pinched the top of her jacket to cover her neck, hiding her scars. She turned her head back to see Lindsey's grandfather holding his granddaughter.

"You ok?" Warrick asked, touching her arm.

Sara twitched and pulled away, nodding slowly.

Just when everyone was leaving, Lindsey broke away from her grandparents and ran up to Warrick and Nick to give them a hug. Sara watched for a moment before the young girl wrapped her arms around Sara's legs.

Shocked by the action, Sara barely recovered before the little girl ran back to the open arms of her grandmother.

Though the tears were brimming her eyes earlier, they were now rolling down her cheeks. Sara stared at the grave as two men lowered the coffin into the 6ft deep grave. The gravestone that stood at the head of the grave was black marble with white engravings stating the deceased and those who would miss her.

Time seemed to get away from her as she stayed in the cemetery. Her heart was pounding as the last of the soil filled the hole.

… …

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"You ever thought about finding the right guy in Vegas Sara?" Catherine asked over coffee.

They were sitting in the diner across from the lab after a particularly busy shift. Catherine had offered to buy as they were working the case together and had just put the bad guy in prison.

Sara smiled and shrugged. "Guess so. Why'd you ask?"

"Well, you moved from Frisco. You've been single ever since you started at the lab. Apart from that time you spent with Hank" Catherine lifted her shoulders and offered her friend a smile. "I would have thought a young woman like you would have found someone by now."

Sara stared into her cup of coffee intently, twisting the ceramic in her hands. "We can't all have what we want Cath."

"Yeah, but the crap Hank put you through." Catherine shook her head. "You can find better men out there and they won't treat you like he did." She sipped her coffee, watching Sara from across the table carefully.

"I guess I'm still looking." Sara smiled slightly. Turning the tables, she picked up her cup and raised it to her lips, acting as though it didn't bother her in the least. "At least one of us has a guy, Cath." She finished her coffee in one final swallow before continuing. "You got Grissom."

"Yeah." Catherine looked at her curiously.

… …

"Sara." Nick approached her slowly, calling her name softly. "Hey, you ready to head over to the hotel now?"

Sara shook her head and turned watery eyes to him. "I'm going to stick around for a while. I'll see you guys later."

"You sure? I can stay, keep you company." Nick offered.

She smiled. "It's ok Nicky. I'll get a cab when I'm done. Tell the others I'll see them back at the wake."

"Ok." He went to hug her, but stopped short when he watched her step back and turn away from him. He placed his hand on her left shoulder instead. "Bye."

Walking away from the grave of her fallen friend and colleague, Sara wondered around the graveyard. Her mind was torturing her aimlessly. So many thoughts, so many different outcomes and none would bring Lindsey's mother back.

She knew what she had to do, but she wasn't sure if she could do it. After years of waiting for him to make a move, she watched him walk straight into the arms of another woman. If only she'd pushed forward and made another move, this wouldn't have happened.

The what ifs were painful enough without the images of the explosion and the scene of Lindsey haunting her.

All she wanted was to be happy. To have a family with a man who would be faithful and love her. She knew that her dream wasn't going to come true after Catherine and Grissom started dating. His heart wasn't hers and she had to learn to hide her feelings even more. That meant being a friend, but only when he needed it.

Best friends stick together. Workaholic, private, best friends are only there when you need a fast active mind that is on the same level as you. In this case, Grissom and Sara would be ideal. They didn't visit each other nor did they do things together. It was professional all the time.

Grissom and Catherine had worked together for nearly fifteen years and nothing happened between them, but Sara should have seen it. The interventions with Eddie, the long talks in the break room and the easy conversation. It was all in front of her and she didn't see it coming.

What she had to do was go back home and get ready for a new life. After all that has happened since she arrived in Vegas, she never thought she'd end up back at the beginning, alone and wanting someone else to share life with. Now she knew that wasn't going to happen. Not after this, not with the way she looked now. No one would ever look at her the same way and no one would ever get close to her again.

… …

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"The scaring on you arm and hand will heal, Sara, but it will take time to completely fade. When you've healed enough, we can talk about skin grafting for your shoulder and neck." The doctor at the burns unit explained.

"But I'll never be normal again?" Sara asked.

The doctor sighed. "All I can tell you is that, in time, the scarring will fade, just not completely."

Sara nodded and lowered her head to look down at her arm, the skin all pink and stretched. "Thank you doctor."

"The grafting will be an option in a few months Sara." He assured her.

… …

"Hey." Grissom's voice broke through her thoughts.

Sara turned, looking over her shoulder. "Aren't you supposed to be with Lindsey and Catherine's mom?"

He nodded. "I was. Um, Nick said that you needed a lift."

She sighed and turned away again. "I told him I would call a cab."

"I'm here now." He offered, still unsure how to act around her.

She nodded and started walking slowly. "I just wanted to be on my own for a while."

"I've noticed you've been alone for over a week now." He said lowly, following behind as he watched her.

"I needed time to think things out." She looked over her shoulder at him again. "A lot has happened."

It was quiet for a long time as Sara walked and Grissom kept pace. The silence was both tense and calm. A lot had happened and it was all preying on Sara's mind, giving her a headache and making her tired. She still needed time to recover and sleep was always the best medicine.

They reached the road and Grissom's car was parked a little way down the asphalt.

"I can drive you to the hotel if you'd like. I know the others want to see you." Grissom offered, stopping to find his keys.

Sara turned to him. "I could barely get through the funeral; I can't go to the wake too. People were staring at me here, they'll stare there too."

Grissom's heart stopped as he watched tears roll down her cheeks. He stood firm and looked down, nervous. He wasn't any good at comforting people. He looked up and sighed as he reached into his pocket for a Kleenex. He stepped closer to gently wiped the tears away, but Sara turned her face away and stepped back, shaking her head. "Don't." She whispered painfully, wiping her face with her left hand.

"What's wrong?" He asked, unsure why she didn't want his attempt at comfort. He knew he wasn't great at it, but at least he tried.

She shrugged and put on a brave smile, trying to push all thoughts that touch raised in her. It wasn't the time and it would never be. "Nothing. Maybe you're right. I should make an appearance."

He nodded and walked her to his car. He needed to talk to Catherine's mother before she took Lindsey home with her.


	5. Chapter 5

****

Chapter 5

There was a certain calmness around the place as people wondered around, talking, catching up or giving their respects to Catherine's family.

Finding a quiet spot by a window, Sara kept to herself. She didn't want to seem rude and leave, like she wanted, but stayed, feeling like an outsider. She didn't want to be here, though she tried to hide that fact.

"Sara." A small voice called her name.

Turning around slightly, Sara saw Lindsey watching her, holding a bear against her chest. Smiling gently, Sara knelt down. Though she barely knew the little girl, she knew she had to do or say something. "Hey Lindsey. You ok?" Her voice was soft, but strained.

The girl nodded and walked towards her. There was still slight tears on her cheeks and her face was pinked. "I'm ok." She looked down at her bear before looking back up curiously. "Why are you over here by yourself?"

Sara shrugged and glanced at the bear, slowly reaching out her left hand to caress its ear briefly before drawing it back. "What's this little guy's name?" She asked, ignoring Lindsey's question. She was too young to understand it wouldn't be far to confuse her.

Lindsey smiled a little with a small sniffle. "His name's Elmo." Her eyes looked up from the bear. "Grissom gave him to me. I named him after Elmo on Sesame Street." She pulled the bear closer and snuggled her face to it.

"Lindsey." Catherine's mom called from the crowd.

"I gotta go." Lindsey sighed. "I will see you again, right?" She asked worriedly. "Nicky and Warrick said you got hurt too. You need to be looked after." She glanced back at her grandmother quickly.

Sara's heart burst and tears sprung to her eyes. "I'll be fine sweetie." Standing up and turning back to the window, she brushed her sleeve across her cheeks.

"You ok?" Grissom asked as he moved to stand next to her. He turned to see Lindsey walk with her grandmother to another room.

Of all the people, Sara thought as she wiped her eyes again. Sara nodded and turned to him. "Oh, you know… I'll survive. Just not what I expected that's all."

Grissom nodded and leaned against the wall a few feet from her. "I heard what Lindsey said, and she's right. You were injured in the explosion. You should be getting more rest." He glanced down at his drink in his hand. "So, if you need anything, you know, just call me…" He looked up and straightened up. "Or Nick or Warrick." He quickly added.

"Thanks, but I'm ok." She sighed and turned to look around the room. "You think anyone would notice if I slipped out and headed home?"

"I would." Grissom answered softly, but then sighed and looked around too. "They are all pre-occupied."

Sara stared the floor, cursing herself. She was at a wake and the deceased's boyfriend was trying to comfort her. He was only trying to be kind, for the sake of others in the room. It was only a matter of time before someone saw the light of what happened. That's why she was going to get out while everything was still quiet.

She offered a fake smile before stuffing her hands into her pockets. "I think I'm going to go home. I'm tired."

"Sara." He called as he followed. When she reached the door, Grissom held it open. "I'll call you if I get the chance ok. We need to talk about getting you back on shift."

Sara nodded, though she couldn't help but feel a sense of loss when he mentioned work. Something she would need to think some more.

"Could you say sorry to Catherine's family for me? Tell them I'm sorry that I couldn't stay and I'm sorry for their loss. Could you do that for me?" She asked, almost pleading so she could leave and get as far away as she possibly could.

Grissom hesitated at first, but agreed. "Take care Sara."

"Yeah, you too." She stopped at the fresh hold and turned slightly, not looking at him. "Griss, I'm sorry for your loss too." She stood for a second longer before looking up to catch his downcast eyes.

… …

__

"Have you spoken to Grissom?" Sara asked.

Catherine looked up and nodded. "Sure."

"And?"

Catherine squinted in the sunlight. "What?"

Sara shrugged innocently and looked around the driveway for more blood traces. "No reason."

"Sara, something wrong with you and Grissom?"

Looking back at her colleague, Sara sighed. What harm would it do to just inquire? "He's been really snappy towards me lately. I thought he was just tired or I did something wrong on a case…"

"Oh." Catherine nodded. "He broke off another breakfast, right?" When she got her answer, she smiled and patted Sara on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. You know he's no good at this relationship stuff."

Sara scoffed. "Yeah, and that's what's odd. He's dating you, not me. And I'm the one being cancelled on." She looked up, offering a teasing grin, though she didn't really feel what she was putting on show. "He spending extra time with you or something, or has he got a second job somewhere?"

Catherine burst out laughing, not seeing that Sara was faking interest. "No second job." She grinned, chuckling lightly. "You know he's got that seminar coming up?"

"I forgot about that." Sara remembered him saying something about a seminar up state somewhere.

"He's been planning for it and was trying to juggle you and me at the same time. Guess he stressed himself out and found time for me, but forgot about you." Catherine laughed again.

Sara stared at the blood evidence on the concrete. Strange how Catherine would always say what's on her mind. "Tell me what you really think, Catherine." She mumbled to herself as she swabbed the blood.

… …

First week came the explosion aftermath. Two weeks of hospital and clinic appointments as well as a funeral. The next three weeks consisted of more check ups and much more sleep. The days seemed to flash by in an instant and the nights were restless and usually consisted of a nightmare or two about the explosion.

A month and a bit recovering and Sara had spent most of it thinking. She needed to start afresh, but her mind was fighting with her. Whether to stay in Vegas or go back to San Francisco was a tough decision.

With all her time thinking and recovering, it wasn't long before someone came looking for her.

"I'm not sure I want to even go back, Nick." She looked up at her friend. "It's not even that, really. I don't think I can."

"But Sara, this is your life, remember? The lab, the thrill, the excitement of closing a case." Nick threw in his Texan charm, trying to win a smile or a brief glimpse of the old Sara.

"Nicky, please, listen to me." She pleaded, sitting forward to stand. "After what happened, I realised that being a CSI was holding me back from living my life."

Nick didn't seem convinced, though his panic meter just kicked up a small notch. "You aren't leaving, right?"

Sara sighed. "I-I don't know." She combed her fingers through her hair nervously. "I'll think about it, but I can't promise anything. I just don't want to go back to work yet. I'm not ready to face the field right now."

"How about you stick to the labs until you feel better?" He suggested, eager to get her back to work where he could keep an eye on her, where they could all keep an eye on her.

Thinking this over quietly, Sara knew she'd miss the job and that it would eat away at her if she didn't at least try it out. She knew she couldn't just leave and her medical pay was running out. She'd need to work before making any definite decisions.

"Ok." She relented and Nick grinned, jumping up to hug her, but Sara stepped back and held out her hand to pat his chest. She unconsciously moved her right arm behind her. "Does Grissom, agree to this?" She asked hesitantly.

Nick shrugged, squeezing her hand. "I'll talk to him. You coming into work tonight?"

Sara nodded. "Sure. Guess it's better than sitting around here."


	6. Chapter 6

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Chapter 6

Everyone was in the break room waiting on Grissom for assignments. Sara had just walked down a hallway of staring people and quiet chatter, making her feel even more uncomfortable than she already felt.

Sitting down as far from the group as she could, she settled on the couch while Nick and Warrick drank coffee and talked to Greg about a case.

Grissom entered the room in a rush, carrying a box and a file under his arm. "Sorry I'm late. I had a meeting with the Sheriff this afternoon." He planted the items he was carrying onto the table with a thump. "Right." He looked around the table and frowned. "Where is Sara?"

"Here." Sara answered immediately.

He looked to his left and noticed her sitting in the corner. "Ready for some grunt work?"

Sara smiled slightly and shrugged. "Guess so. What do you have?"

Grissom pried the lid off the box and pulled out a bag. "We have money and jewellery, plus body parts with Doc Robbins in Autopsy."

"Great." She shuddered, standing to inspect the box.

Grissom turned his attention to the others sitting around the table. "Greggo, DNA is calling your name my friend."

"Oh, that's what that noise was." Greg chirped, jumping up from his seat.

"You'll be a busy boy in about two hours Greg, so get through what you can." Grissom advised as he handed Warrick a file and assignment slip. "You lead."

Warrick nodded and flipped the file open. "Woo, Road Trip!"

Nick grabbed at the file and grinned. "Tonopah. Isn't that north west of here, on 95?"

Warrick stood and gathered his belongings. "Sure is. Catch you later guys."

"Most likely two days. Don't rush it. Be thorough." Grissom told them as he spied both over the top of his glasses. "Get a Tahoe with a full tank of gas and get your kits sorted before you leave."

"Done." Nick acknowledged.

Grissom turned back to Sara. "Ready to get your hands dirty?"

Sara looked less than pleased with that question and more nervous, but nodded and followed her boss.

Cataloguing while Grissom organised and labelled, Sara continued to keep focused on what she was doing, dragging her mind from her worry's and conflicts that came with recovering from an accident, injury and loss of a friend. The whole lab was still in a morbid mood. Understandably.

"Finished?" Grissom's voice broke through her thoughts, startling her slightly.

Sara dragged her eyes up to his, pushing a wall of professionalism onto her face. "Yeah. Autopsy next, right?"

He nodded as he stood and pulled off his gloves. "You'll love this." He said suddenly with a burst of enthusiasm that was way out of character for Grissom, especially after losing his girlfriend. "Flesh and bones." His smile faded a little as he looked at her to find her head down and her eyes focused on something else. His eyes seemed to lose its sparkle. "A true human puzzle." He finished quietly.

Sara nodded and noted his change in behaviour. She pulled on a small smile and looked up, it was that or cry, and she'd done plenty of that at home. She sure wasn't going to do it at the lab, and Grissom's behaviour was worrying. He was closest to Catherine and he was obviously still mourning her death. His behaviour towards her was worrying.

"We better get down there before something else comes in. I'm sure Doc Robbins can give us a hand." Grissom suggested as he headed for the door.

"I'll follow in a minute." She told him absently, uncertainly, as she stretched her left hand and fingers. She's been learning to write with her left since she started physio and though she'd been able to make her handwriting a little more presentable, she was still worried about using her right. Though, her left hand handwriting seemed much better than her right handed chicken scratch. Go figure. She smirked just a little.

Doctor Albert Robbins was working on another body when Grissom arrived. "Damn." He sighed with a tampered smirk. "I was hoping you'd be up for this John Doe. More hands the better."

Albert chuckled. "This chap has me busy as it is. I'm trying to locate the bullet, but it seems to have fragmented." He shifted his weight and leaned over the body once more, one hand inside the open cavity and his other leaning onto his single crutch. "I think it's somewhere in the blood stream."

Grissom raised a curious eyebrow. "How'd you come to that conclusion?"

"X-rays." The coroner huffed. "But I lost the damn thing in his abdominal area. Probably now lodge in the wall close by."

"Have fun, I'm going to get started." Grissom informed, pulling on a gown and gloves.

"Someone helping you?" Al asked as he dug into his corpses open chest cavity again.

Grissom pushed on protective goggles over his glasses as he peered at the metal table with his John Doe. "Sara will be here shortly."

"How is our girl today?" Al inquired, looking up, but still continuing his search.

"She's fine." Grissom answered distractedly as he picked up a foot and examined it.

Al looked over at his long time friend and colleague with a frown. "Gil?" When he had his attention, he continued carefully. "She's just been through a terrible accident. I doubt she's fine."

Grissom stared at the foot a moment. "She say's she's fine, so, she's fine." He shrugged.

"So she says." Al sighed. "Gil, listen. When I lost my legs, I was always saying 'I'm fine' to get people off my back, or to just not accept the fact that I lost a part of myself." Al paused and looked back into the open cavity with a pair of tweezers in his hand. "She's not fine." He finished with a slow smile creeping onto his face when he spotted the bullet fragment. "Ah, Gotcha."

Standing for a while in silence, Grissom watched the coroner move on his crutch towards the trolley and drop the fragment into a tray. His mind was suddenly running wild with thoughts of concern for Sara. Images of her hand in his after the lab explosion, flashed before his eyes.

It had been so long since he really thought about the lab explosion and to hear Albert point it out was almost unsettling. He hadn't really noticed her after she'd asked him out, but that was because he had his hearing to be concerned about and when Catherine had turned up at the hospital, he'd forgotten Sara was even involved in the blast.

The thought of Sara being blown up made him shudder as if he'd only just realised that she was lucky to be alive. "Albert?" Grissom called quietly, getting the coroners attention. "You know that Sara got burned in the fire, right?"

Al nodded. "It's normal in gas explosions of that magnitude, Gil."

Grissom tilted his head in thought. "Would that be why she's reluctant to let anyone near her?" He'd noticed that he couldn't get close enough, though he hadn't tried too hard.

Al frowned. "Is she seeing a psychiatrist? It's normal after accidents. I would have thought her doctor might suggest it."

"I'm not sure, I don't think so." Grissom seemed panic stricken, his face was white. "I know she goes to the clinic every week, but I didn't think about her mental health."

"You've been preoccupied Gil. Catherine's death, the funeral, not to mention Lindsey." Al reminded.

Grissom sighed, standing rigidly. "I guess I've not been able to think clearly since Catherine died. I try to push the thoughts away, but it's difficult, you know?" He looked up at Al. "You think I should ask her about the psychiatrist?"

Al shrugged. "It's up to you, but it's also up to Sara if she wants to talk to a stranger, or talk to a friend." He looked meaningful at Grissom with raised eyebrows. "Just keep an eye on her Gil. She's probably feeling very self conscious right now. Don't push and don't expect the Sara you knew before the explosion. Things like that change a person. I should know."

Grissom nodded slightly, thinking about Sara more than he had in a long time. He hadn't noticed that much about her mental health or her physical state. And that was what disturbed him. What sort of friend wouldn't know those things?


	7. Chapter 7

****

Chapter 7

Pushing through the double doors, Sara looked around the room. "Hey guys," She raised her eyebrows as they both looked up at her with grim expressions. "Guess this is our guy, huh?" She asked as she moved to stand across from Grissom.

"In a matter of speaking." He nodded. "I've managed to piece together a torso and shoulders."

Sara reached into the small box on the autopsy trolley as she walked by it. Pulling on a fresh pair of latex gloves, she looked over the table curiously. Her right hand felt warm inside her black soft fleecy glove. It was the sort of glove that breathed and was soft against your skin, but inside latex gloves as well, it started to sweat slightly, giving Sara an uncomfortable feeling.

"Where do you want me to start?" She asked as she ignored the itch that was starting to present itself in the centre of her palm from the sweat sliding across her skin. Pushing her arms into a gown, she inspected the table further.

Grissom pointed to the lower extremities. "Legs, feet… if you find one, that is." He added with a slight tug at his lips in mild amusement.

Sara nodded and started collecting together parts, and piecing them together.

"I think that goes here Grissom." Sara took the chunk of flesh from his hand to place it near her waist where the thigh was supposed to be. Now the body was put together, minus a piece or two, they could try and determine what happened to their deceased, exactly.

"So, he was cut up?" Grissom postulated.

"Not before he was stabbed in the chest and his head was bashed in." Sara pulled off her gloves, glad to feel the cool air of the autopsy bay, seep into her fleece covered hand. She sighed quietly and moved over to Al as he walked over to the table to see for himself.

Al nodded in congratulations. "Good work. I'll call David to get X-rays and send samples to DNA for tox and identification."

"Could you ask David to could cast the chest wounds too please?" Grissom requested as he examined the head wound.

"Sure, any reason why you can't do it?" Al inquired as he made his way towards his desk to page David.

Grissom pulled off his gloves as he stood up straight. "I can't do it right now. Can you page me when he's done them though? I'll be back later to help with the head."

Sara looked between the two. "Um, Griss?" She ventured, trying to get his attention. "I can cast them."

He shook his head and started walking for the door as he scrunched up his soiled gown and pushed it into the disposable bin. When he realised she wasn't following, he turned at the door. He watched her stare at the body for a moment.

"Hey," He called. "Let's take a break. We'll get back to the body later." Grissom noticed her reluctance to leave. He tried for some light banter to pull her out of her little world she seemed to be in. "He's not exactly going anywhere without his other foot Sara." He glanced at Al briefly, who seemed impressed at his approach.

Sara turned and sighed. "Fine." She moved forward, pulling on her gown with failed effort. It seemed stuck. "Damnit." She cursed, tugging at the neck.

Grissom left his post at the door and helped untangle the mess of ties at her neck. He had noticed when Sara was donning the gown earlier that she didn't bother to tie the back. "It's tangled." He informed her as his large fingers attacked the knot.

Feeling his fingers and parts of his hands touch her neck caused her to panic and sweat visibly. She pulled away, forgetting that she was still stuck in the autopsy gown, and the neck tightened, slightly chocking her.

"Sara, stand still." He commanded gently, his eyes shifting from the knot to her neck.

When she felt him stop moving, she knew what he was doing. She stepped away from him and yanked the neck hard with her left hand, pulling the gown ties free. "Thanks." She murmured, making a hasty exit.

Grissom stared after her.

"And you thought it was going so well too." Al chimed, not looking up from his work.

Grissom sent him an annoyed glare before going after Sara.

Grissom rushed past reception and burst out the front doors of the lab. His head twisted this way and that, trying to find Sara. He spotted her walking towards her car. He dashed forward, trying to catch up to her. "Sara!"

She turned. "Yeah?"

For a moment, he forgot what he was going to say. She looked like a completely different person from a few minutes ago. She seemed distant. Grissom looked around and gently grasped her left elbow and motioned forward with his free hand. "Break, remember. Breakfast, my shout?"

Sara sighed tiredly. "Grissom, I'm tired. I figured I'd just head home before coming back and casting the wound tracks."

"Hmm." He nodded, but still guided her towards his car. "Good idea, but what about breakfast first?" He asked again as he unlocked the passenger door.

"Now?" She questioned, staring at his open car door.

Grissom shrugged and checked his watch. "It's morning. Might as well eat early-" He paused and looked up. "Unless you're not hungry?"

Sara stared at him for a long moment, contemplating what to do next. She was tired, but she was also suddenly hungry and to make up her mind, her stomach rumbled.

Taking that as an answer, Grissom chuckled quietly and moved to the driver's door.

Settled with a coffee and a plate of pancakes each, they ate and thought, barely speaking to each other at all. Grissom was trying to think of some conversation opening, but found none, whilst Sara was trying to think of an excuse to go home.

Finally hitting something that could open a can of worms, Grissom sipped his hot coffee after sticking a forkful of pancake into his mouth, chewing and swallowing. "How have you been?"

Sara's hand froze as raised her fork to her mouth. She was slightly bent over her plate and her eye's looked up when he spoke. "Fine." She waited a moment before raising the fork again and stuffing the contents into her mouth.

Tilting his head thoughtfully, he stabbed nervously at his food. "Really?"

Focusing on her food, Sara nodded. "Yeah."

Grissom sighed and dropped his fork as he pushed his plate away, only half eaten.

"Not hungry?" She asked, worrying slightly that she had somehow done something wrong.

He shrugged, trying to ignore the lightly coated hurt in her voice as she spoke. "Lost my appetite."

Looking back at her plate, she too gave up on eating and both sat staring into their coffee. Sara was worrying more than ever that she was the cause, not thinking for one second that it wasn't her fault.

"Sara," Grissom broached a full six minutes later. "I know things, haven't been good between us lately." He glanced up at her, nervous as hell. "All the times I cancelled breakfast, and opted to work, or see Catherine, than spend time with you. I never once thought I was hurting you. I'm sorry."

Swallowing hard, Sara rubbed at her left ear nervously, trying to come up with some kind of reason why he was apologising. But none came. The only thought was, "Where'd that come from?"

He looked off to the side for a moment and sighed. "Well, I've been thinking… today, actually." His hands wrapped around his coffee cup in hopes of it giving him some sort of courage boost to continue talking. "That maybe… if you don't mind… I mean… if it's possible-"

Sara's face crinkled up in confusion as she tried to follow what he was saying. "Grissom, you're making no sense."

He chuckled nervously and looked around the small diner. He turned back to her and leaned casually against the table, feeling a little more confidant knowing that no one was around. "You remember that seminar I was scheduled to attend a couple months back?"

"Yeah, so?" She furrowed her brows as she watched him.

Thinking quickly, he tried to organise his thoughts together so he wasn't looking too much like a fool. This, granted, might be a bad idea, but it was the only one he had.

"It was postponed for a few weeks because of bad weather." He scratched at his chin and fixed his eyes on hers so he could see her reaction to his next question. "I need a second body with me." He cringed and rephrased. "I mean, uh, I would like you to come with me and teach along side me."

Sara's eyes widened quickly. "Wha-uh." She cut herself off and looked down at her hands that were resting on the table, cradling one in the other.

"It's easy." He smirked, suddenly thinking this was a great idea, forgetting his current worries. A bit of travelling, time away form the lab and Vegas, was exactly what she needed and if this was the only way, under the pretence of work, then he'd give it a try. "I teach half day and you teach the next half. If there's anything you're not sure about, I'll help." He was winging it, which was something he rarely, if ever, did. Al was right, he needed to help Sara and to do that; he needed to get her mind off work and onto something less stressing.

Shaking her head in slight confusion, though it was easy enough to understand, Sara was still in shock at the offer. "What would I have to do?" She asked, looking up for an answer, surprised at herself for being interested in what he was saying. She knew, inside, that it wasn't the real reason he wanted her to go along.

Grissom pushed their breakfast plates and empty coffee cups out of the way and laid his forearms on the table so he had room to gesture and explain. "It's a forensic seminar. Something we both know a lot about I should hope." He smirked briefly when she smiled a little, both forgetting the past few weeks for a moment.

"I teach the importance of entomology and other areas of my expertise while you take the actually importance of crime scene collection and the means to make and break a case. It's easy." He explained with a few hand movements and touches.

Sara seemed oblivious to his contact. Her mind was elsewhere to notice. She was intrigued by the idea of teaching. She'd envied that Grissom got to travel once a year and teach. It was something that she'd always wanted to try.

But was it the right time?

Sitting back with a deep sigh, she was about to say no when she saw his face fall and his smile fade. His whole cheeriness vanished. Staring at him for a moment, she could see that this was something he really wanted to do.

A thought struck her brain as she looked into his blue eyes, something she hadn't done in a long time. Maybe he was asking her because he had asked Catherine to go with him and now Catherine wasn't here, he needed someone to fill the gap of teaching. It was suddenly painful to think that he had taken so much time and care in planning this seminar that he could have been planning to use it as a few days to spend alone with his girlfriend.

That wasn't going to happen now though and he needed an extra hand. Why her though? That was a good question and she felt the need to know the answer, though she felt guilty and uncomfortable asking.

Shifting, Sara broke eye contact and looked away. "Why ask me? Warrick would be the first choice. He's been a CSI longer than I have…" She shrugged and glanced at him. "Or Nick, he's got seniority and experience."

"I don't want Warrick or Nick, I want you." He stated simply. Waiting a beat, he continued. "You have the head for it and you understand me." He cocked his head with a thought. "And you've seen me teach, so you know how I work. You would be my first choice out of the team."

Sara stared at him. "Wasn't Catherine going with you?" She saw him flinch and realised it wasn't the implication, but the name. "I'm sorry Grissom. I didn't mean-" She hurriedly apologised, shrinking under the brief hurt and deep loss in his eyes.

Grissom shook his head and reached out to grasp her hand. "It's ok. I'm still trying to get things straight in my head." He looked down at his hand covering hers. His hand was resting on her right and he felt her stiffen at first contact. "Sara." He said her name softly as his fingers curled around hers. Not normally a touchy feely kind of person, Grissom was surprised at his own actions, but hid the emotions and kept talking. "If we are going to teach together, I need you to trust me."

Struggling against her stiffness, she forced herself to relax, albeit barely. "I trust you Grissom, it's just…"

He listened to her trail off. His other hand curled under hers so her hand was trapped between both of his. She was going to talk to him sooner or later. He needed her to know he was there to listen. "When we go, we can talk. I don't want you to think that I'm forcing you, I'm not. I'll be there with you and if you want to tell me anything, I'll listen."

Sensing something else, Sara stared at their hands for a quiet moment, no doubt making him even more uncomfortable. It was odd that he was even touching her, though she had always dreamed he would reach out to her one day, just not now, or ever after Catherine and especially now. She nodded. "I-I," Sighing, she looked up at the diner clock, it was all too much for her to take in. It was all too confusing and painful, so she panicked and fled. "We should get back to work."


	8. Chapter 8

****

Chapter 8

Only two days back at work and the logged hours were pressing down on her tired body. Both Nick and Warrick had voiced their concerns, which were starting to pressure and really aggravate Sara more than she would like.

"Hey, you are the one that wanted me here Nick. I can go home if it'll stop you mothering me." Sara snapped, sitting at the break room table in the middle of shift.

Nick looked at Warrick for help, but only got a 'you got yourself in to this mess, you're on your own' look. Turning back to a tired Sara, Nick swallowed hard. "I'm only looking out for you Sara."

Pushing her chair back, Sara nodded. "So now I have you and Brass giving me the same line." She turned to the other man in the room with a glare. "You want to say it too Warrick?"

He shook his head and went back to reading the paper.

"Good, now if you don't mind, I've got work to do." She left the room and headed towards the layout room that housed all the evidence to hers and Grissom's case.

When Sara entered the room, she noticed Grissom studying something under the microscope. "What did you find?" She asked, walking across the room to stand beside him, her pissed off attitude fading to nothing.

Grissom sighed and raised his head, pushing his glasses on in one motion before stepping away from the scope to let her look. "David cast the wounds for us and found a fleck." He shook his head, trying to think. "I can't make it out."

Sara bent over the microscope to get a better look. She adjusted the magnification and studied the fleck. "Metal?" She voiced, adjusted more knobs.

"Could be. I sent a sample to Hodges, but he won't have anything until next shift." Grissom rubbed the back of his neck as he watched her stare into the scope lenses.

"Could be from the knife, OR whatever was used to stab him." Sara mused quietly.

Grissom nodded to himself.

"Hey," He began, thinking it was as good a place as any to discuss the seminar. "I got a call from a friend of mine an hour ago. He said that the seminar was rescheduled for three weeks on Monday."

Sara turned with the slide in her hand. She nodded for him to continue.

"And though the weather knocked out some pylons and the electricity was down, classes start on the Tuesday." He paused and glanced up. "You're still up for this, right?" He didn't wait for an answer because he knew she wanted to have a go at teaching. He had known ever since he went to Connecticut last year for a three day seminar. "Cuz, I'm looking forward to working with you."

Slightly amused and confused, Sara's brows raised questioningly. "Don't we already work together?"

Grissom quirked an eyebrow. "We do, but not like this. We're going to be teaching a class of possibly 30 to 40 students-"

Sara's stomach flipped. "40?"

Sensing her stage fright, Grissom shrugged. "Could be less. It depends on the weather. A storm and lots of rain flooded the hotel grounds and local tourist attractions."

"Yeah, but 40 students?" Sara asked again, suddenly feeling numerous butterflies taking residence inside her. She placed the slide she was holding back on the scope before turning back to Grissom. "Griss, I don't know about this."

"About what? Teaching hoards of forensic geeks?" Grissom joked. "It'll be fun. We can introduce a demonstration into the lecture. It'll be fine Sara. We can talk through what we are going to do." Thinking about the seminar in more detail, Grissom shrugged and leaned back against the layout table. "You can come over mine after shift and we can start going over the things you're not sure about. Start reading up and even plan this demonstration. I wasn't going to have one originally…"

Sara rubbed her hands together nervously before folding her arms over her chest. "I don't want to change what you've already planned Grissom. It must have taken you months to sort out. I can't do this." She shook her head and looked down at the floor.

She knew it had taken him months to organise and going to his home, was out of the question.

Grissom sighed. "Sara, it's ok." He stepped forward and touched her left arm. "We can discuss this over coffee and you can read my notes. Don't worry about what I've already planned. I can always use the help even if you decide not to go up on stage." He explained gently, not wanting her to back out.

Taking a moment to collect her thoughts, Sara was torn between backing out and forgetting about the seminar completely or breaking out into a grin and going for it. Teaching was something she never thought she'd get the chance to do. Sure, she'd given Greg some pointers on crime scene collection when Grissom had him with them sometimes, but a lecture?

"I'm still unsure about this Grissom, but I'll do it." Sara shrugged. "Can't hurt to try." She paused for a minute, trying to think before she spoke. "But I won't be able to get out the lab for a few more hours. How about the diner?"

He nodded. "That's fine. I'll go home and get my notes after shift."

Sara leaned back against the table, waiting for him to leave. "Around 8?"

Grissom gave a lopsided smile. "Great." He turned to leave. "And you never know," He said as he reached the doorway. "This might be a good opening for you to do seminars every year. That's if you like it."

Sara turned to the microscope and looked down at the evidence with a thoughtful expression.

Pushing an extra bottle of body lotion into her hold-all, she pulled a sweater over it to keep it from moving around. Reaching for her long sleeved shirts and placing them on top of the sweater, Sara looked around the room once again to see if she had forgotten anything.

Grabbing her wash bag and walking into the bathroom, she found her toothbrush, soap, shampoo and anything else she'd need. Her fleece gloves were already packed along with her high neck jacket and two sweatshirts. All she needed now was something to eat and drink before she met Grissom at the airport.

It was nearly 9am on the Monday morning and Grissom was supposed to be waiting at the entrance to McCarran Airport. He was nowhere to be seen.

Sara waited ten minutes, then twenty, then half an hour before she finally caught sight of him pulling off the road and into the airports large car park. He looked like he was still in his clothes from the night before and he hadn't showered by the looks of him either.

"You ok?" Sara asked worriedly as he jogged up to her with a large holdall and small knapsack in one hand and a laptop case in the other.

Grissom struggled with the knapsack. "I got called into Ecklie's office for a meeting about some budget." He grumbled. "All the jerk wanted was to make me late. He did it deliberately."

"How'd you know that?" She asked, reaching for the knapsack to place it on the cart with her bags.

"There was no meeting. He wanted to grill me about taking you with me. Apparently the lab is short staffed as it is and that I should have notified him." Grissom shook his head and stacked his bags on the cart with hers.

Sara looked at him concerned. "I thought you said it was cleared for me to come along?"

He nodded and took the cart from her to push it into the airport. "You are. Since Cath died, shifts been short staffed, but that doesn't mean that Warrick, Nick and Greg can't handle shift for a few days without us."

Suddenly this wasn't such a good idea anymore. Sara stopped and shook her head. "I should stay then Grissom."

"Sara-" He sighed, not wanting to argue. He'd just had a few rounds in the ring with Ecklie and he wasn't in the mood.

"No, Griss, listen." She interrupted. "If it's just Warrick and Nick in the field and Greg in the lab, then who's actually going to run the lab?"

Grissom shrugged. "That's not my concern. Not now anyway." He turned back to pushing the cart towards the check-in desk. "We're going to miss our flight."

Sara didn't like this. She knew she wasn't needed on this trip. She could easily stay at the lab and help get the lab work done. "Grissom-" She almost whined.

Stopping short of the line, he turned. "Ok, how about I ring the lab regularly and get updates? If things get too behind or out of control, I'll leave you at the seminar and I'll rescue my lab." He paused to emphasise. "My Lab, Sara. Warrick and Nick will be just fine. Greg's going to work beside Warrick until we get back. He's got help in DNA and the other lab techs have volunteered to pull doubles if needed. Now stop worrying and help me get these bags onto the plane."

Staring at him through narrowed eyes, her shoulders dropped and her resolve dissolved. "Fine. Your choice."

"Yeah, it is." He replied with a hidden smirk.


	9. Chapter 9

****

Chapter 9

Settling in their seats and waiting for the plane to take off, the whole cabin was taken through emergency procedures in case of an emergency and the captain gave an introduction to the flight and its destination, just in case some sorry soul was on the wrong flight.

Their seats were on the left side next to the window, which gave a great view as the plane took off. Sara sat in the window seat while Grissom sat in the aisle seat beside her. The middle seat was empty, which gave them both room to spread out for the slightly long flight.

Sara had a copy of Grissom's notes and was alternating from reading them again and staring out the window. It had been a long time since she was inside a plane and so high up. After the explosion she didn't think she'd be in much shape to travel, but with only burns and her nightmares bothering her, she was otherwise in perfect health and one lucky person.

"What are you thinking?" Grissom's gentle voice broke through the silence between them just twenty minutes into the flight.

Shifting the file on her small table, she shrugged. His concern was concerning her. The thought that he was doing this all for some closure for his loss, worried her more than she liked. She looked at him and noticed he wanted more than a shrug. She sighed. "The explosion."

He watched her turn back to stare out the window. "What about it?"

Sara watched the clouds and the blue sky mingle together. "That I'm lucky to be alive."

Silence followed.

The stewardess served them drinks and light snacks after the flight was underway. Most the passengers entertained themselves with puzzle books, newspapers, laptops, cell phones, while other's watched the in-flight movie.

The chime of the attention bell woke Sara up abruptly, her nightmare fading quickly into the clouded sky outside.

"This is the captain speaking. Please fasten your seat belts. We are now landing at Colorado Springs Municipal Airport. Thank you for flying Airtours."

Grissom had been watching her sleep for the past hour and a half. He had taken the open file from her so she didn't drop any of his copied notes when she moved to a more comfortable position. Since the explosion, he knew she was still tiring easily. It was a good sign really; it meant her body was healing.

What wasn't a good sign was how she was closing in on herself and locking him out. He had to think fast to try and pry the doors open before she let the explosion, her nightmares, her injuries and her fears, consume her before he got the chance, and the courage, to face them with her.

Once the plane landed, they collected their bags and waited for their rental car to pull up. All the time Sara was fidgeting while Grissom was growing more concerned. He was going to develop an ulcer with all this caring and emotional restraint if he wasn't careful.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

Sara stuffed her right hand into her pocket. "Nothing."

Grissom didn't by it and moved closer. "Sara, I know something's wrong, what is it?"

She stared into his blue eyes for a moment before moving them to look over his shoulder, occasionally glancing back at him as she explained. It was no use ignoring it and he would more than likely notice later.

"It itches." She sighed and struggled to say any more. Embarrassment would be an understatement right now. Just admitting something was wrong didn't boost her confidence. She was scared of everyone's reaction to her if they even saw her healing scars. Seeing the surprised looks on peoples facing after coming out of the hospital gave her the answer she was asking herself all the time now.

__

Would I even be normal again?

Placing his bags on the ground by their feet, he took her right elbow in one hand and pulled her arm up with the other. "Rub, don't scratch." He advised, gently rubbing her fingers, palm and wrist before she started to get frustrated and did it herself and rubbed at her forearm, trying to turn and hide from him. "Slowly Sara. You don't want it to hurt."

She bit her bottom lip in deepened embarrassment and as soon as the rental car arrived, she pulled away and helped load their bags into the back.

They had arrived at the hotel in time to get settled in their rooms and get dinner before finding Grissom's friend.

"Ok, two rooms, adjoining." The bell boy unlocked one door and pushed it open to place Sara's bag inside the door. "Sir is in the next room." He moved down the hall to the next door and unlocked it. He handed the key card to Grissom before leaving them both to get settled.

Sara closed her door and moved her holdall onto the double bed. She unzipped her bag and started unpacking the essentials for a shower and change of clothes. Just when she was taking off her long sleeved shirt, a knock on the adjoining room door startled her. She quickly pulled her shirt back on and intently checked to make sure every part of her was near enough covered.

"Sara." Grissom called through the door.

"Hold on Grissom." She moved to the door and paused to take a deep breath before unlocking and opening it. "Hey." And then she witnessed something she'd never seen him do in her presence.

He chuckled. "Hi."

Quickly thinking, she glanced around her room, the back at him. "Guess you want to get going?" She asked, letting herself smile a little. It was nice to hear him emit a sound other than his normal distant distance tone or his professional attitude.

"No," He shrugged. "Just checking on you. Want to meet me in half an hour?"

Sara nodded. "Sure. In the lobby?"

"Yeah. I'm just going to make a few phone calls." He smirked, again, something he rarely did. "And check in with the lab."

"Ok." She leaned against the door. "Say hi for me."

He hesitated a moment, not wanting to move anywhere. Just being away from Vegas seemed to bring back some of the old Sara. The Sara from years ago. He'd missed her smile, even though it made his heart ache.

Jared Collins, a teaching professor at Colorado Springs, waited for Grissom to get off his cell phone. As he waited, he ordered fresh beers. They were sitting in the bar discussing old times and talking about the seminar. It was going to be a long two days.

"So," Jared started as soon as he had his friend's undivided attention. "Two days, four parts. You sure you're up for this Gil?"

Grissom rolled his eyes and shook his head knowingly as he reached for his beer. "You know as well as I do Jared that I wouldn't give up on an opportunity to teach."

"And your CSI?" Jared questioned curiously.

Sensing his friend's questioning tone, Grissom swallowed down some beer and sat back, absently wiping his mouth with his thumb. "Sara's my best CSI and she's also my friend," He paused briefly before continuing. "You could say, my best friend." He eyed Jared suspiciously. "I taught her forensics eight years ago Jared. She knows her profession as much as I know it. Sara lives and breathes forensics."

Jared smiled at his friend, noting the dark rings under his eyes. He knew about the circumstances that his friend was here under and didn't want to dwell on it much, for his sake and for Grissom's. "I hear some admiration in your tone, Gil."

Grissom nodded slowly. "Yes." He left it at that and turned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, Sara appeared in the doorway to the bar. She nervously looked around. Though she was supposed to be meeting Grissom in the lobby, not a few feet away, she figured that he must already be around some place as he wasn't in his room.

Feeling slightly out of place with scientists of an older generation, she strayed back into the lobby and waited for Grissom. She'd seen his talking to someone at the bar and didn't want to interrupt. She didn't know these people, so she was wary on what she was supposed to do. She wasn't a teacher, professor or a scientist of their stature, so she wasn't sure what they would think if she entered a bar that hosted mostly men talking about anything forensics and education, plus she didn't feel well enough to stand amongst a large crowd.

__

Too many eyes.

As she watched and waited a few minutes, she decided to wait. It was nearly the time they had agreed to meet, so she didn't want to interrupt anything.

Grissom looked away from Jared's continuous babbling about his fund raisers and spied Sara leaving the room. Sliding off his stool, he glanced at his friend. "Hold that thought Jared." He left his friend staring after him.

Sara was waiting by the gift shop nervously. Why wouldn't her nerves settle down? She felt as though she might just explode. Was it the room? She didn't know she was claustrophobic. That couldn't be it, could it?

She jumped when a hand snaked out from some place and squeezed her good shoulder. She spun around and jumped again. When she realised it was Grissom, looking rather concerned all of a sudden, she tried to smile and laugh off her nervousness and jumpiness.

"Sorry, you just startled me." She smiled and looked down at her hands.

"Why didn't you come in?" He asked, motioning to the bar.

Sara looked past his shoulder, swallowing convulsively, still trying to catch her breath. "You had company; I didn't want to barge in."

Grissom's concern didn't fade, but tripled slightly when he noticed she was shaking. "I didn't mean to scare you, Sara." He quickly looked around before lightly grasping her left elbow and guiding her towards the lobby waiting area where dozens of comfy chairs were set out. "Here, sit for a minute."

Sara sat down and sighed, rubbing her face. "I guess things just got to me, you know."

He nodded, but wanted to hear it from her. "Things like?"

She looked at him as he sat beside her. "I-I," She shook her head, unsure what to tell him. This side of him was new to her. "I don't understand what goes on sometimes. Just now, I was thinking…" Her eyes narrowed in concentration. "How can a room get so small all of a sudden?"

"Claustrophobia?" His eyes darkened with worry. "You never used to be. At least, not before the explosion." He thought carefully about this and sudden unwanted images invaded his mind. Was this going to compromise her work? Would it be too much for her? And the last thought that twisted his gut was, would she leave?

Not liking any of the many answers to those questions, he took her hand and squeezed reassuringly. "It could be nothing Sara, a part of the healing process."

Sara nodded and looked past Grissom to see the friend he had been talking to at the bar. "Your friend's waiting." She looked at the back of Grissom's head as he turned. "You still want to eat?" She asked, suddenly wanting to spend some time with him, but she knew what was going to happen next.

He turned back to her with a tired sigh. "I need to talk to Jared about the preparations. The three days plan was reduced to two days." He squeezed her hand again and held her eyes. "Why don't you order in, get some rest and we'll eat together at breakfast? First seminar isn't until the afternoon, so we'll have plenty of time to go over things."

"Sure." Sara shrugged and nodded unsurely. Though she wanted to talk to him and spend time with him, she knew she was asking too much of him. He shouldn't have to put things on hold because of her. She knew how important this time away was for him. She just hoped she didn't mess up like she knew was eventually going to do.

She watched him leave. The two professors talking amicably as they walked back towards the bar.


	10. Chapter 10

****

Chapter 10

Getting comfortable, Sara flipped another page of her book. She had gone straight back to her room after Grissom left her in the lobby. She didn't feel that hungry anyway. All the people and the fact that she was still unsure about the seminar, was making her nervous as hell.

Turning another page, her eyes fell from the page she was reading to her right hand. She flexed her fingers, staring at the scaring. Though it had been 9 weeks since everything happened, sometimes she still felt like her arm was burning.

When this happened she would close her eyes and try to relax, telling her body to calm down. She had only had one or two panic attack since she left the hospital and she felt she now had everything under control, though it would feel like that control was slipping lately.

Noise from outside her door got her attention and before she could listen further, a knock on the door meant someone was behind it.

Scurrying to cover herself, she banged her elbow on her nightstand. "Shit." She whispered a curse before rubbing the sting as she slid to her feet. When she opened her door to the person that knocked, her eyes had fallen to what they were holding.

"Hi." Grissom raised the foil package that he held in his hand. "I thought we could eat and talk about tomorrow."

Sara looked up at him as blankly as possible. She was trying so hard to hold herself together and with him doing these nice things and being nice to her, she felt that tightly held together control, slipping quickly.

"Uh, sure."

Grissom sat on the bed as there was no other seating, and unwrapped two plates full of salad and salmon steaks. Both of which looked utterly delicious. He pulled out two sets of knives and forks from his jacket pocket and placed them on the bedding.

Sara stood by her nightstand and looked down at the plates. If she sat down, he'd see her hand and her neck. When he was standing at the door, it was easy to conceal them, but she only had a terrycloth dressing gown on. It was something she had purchased after the accident. Usually she didn't need one, she never went anywhere nor had anyone over to use one. She was wearing sweats and a t-shirt underneath, hiding most of her skin from sight. But her neck and hand were still visible.

"Come on, it'll get cold." He encouraged, kicking off his shoes to bend one leg and stretch out the other on the bed so he was more comfortable.

His relaxed state confused her to a degree to think he might have been drinking. Trying to push the thought from her mind, Sara sucked in a breath and lowered herself onto her bed, trying to keep her hand in her pocket and her hair strategically hiding her neck. "Weren't you talking to your friend?" She asked, trying to shift her uneasiness as she ate her newly arrived food.

"He's drunk. I walked him to a taxi and left him there." Grissom chuckled, stabbing some lettuce and eating it.

"You talked about the seminar, right?" She asked, wondering why he was being so uncharacteristic. Where was Grissom; the Grissom that was too closed off to emotions that it took an ex-stripper turned CSI, long time friend turned girlfriend to open him up a little? Only he didn't open up to anyone but Catherine and a few times during shift to other's in the lab.

He nodded as he swallowed a baby tomato. "I did. It's going to be in the afternoon, around 2 o'clock. Gives us time to run through any last minute changes, if that happens."

Sara tentatively pulled some salmon from the bone with her fork. "Anything I should know about?" If she can just keep the conversation tuned into the conference, then nothing can go wrong.

"Well," He started as he cut up his fish. "Jared thinks that you should go first. As in, you start the lecture." Noticing that she had barely touched her fish and was just pulling at it, he leaned forward with his knife and fork in hand and cut it up for her as he continued, like it was the most natural thing in the world. "I was thinking that we could do the introductions and start together, setting up the slides and alternating at first. Then I start my creepy crawly talk while you prep for the scene intro; walkthroughs, pictures, witnesses… and so on." He sat back and started eating his salad again.

Sara stared at his plate for a moment before focusing her eyes on her own meal, shocked at what he had just done. Feeling vulnerable and utterly embarrassed, she silently ate her fish.

Grissom glanced up at her before going back to his food. "You don't have to be embarrassed Sara."

"Huh?" Her head snapped up, shocked he had noticed. "I'm not."

"No?" He questioned, looking up at her. "You don't have to hide in front of me."

She swallowed hard and abandoned eating, to push her food around her plate, this wasn't quite the 'tuned in' she was thinking about. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Grissom wiped his mouth on his jacket sleeve, something a child would do and something that sparked something in her that she was trying to erase, for everyone's sake.

"Sara, listen," He titled his head slightly down so he could see her and still eat his fish and salad. "I know you must be feeling really alone, right now, but you're not. I'm here, whenever you want to talk."

Sara shook her head and pushed her plate away so she could stand up without spilling it. "I don't want to talk about anything." She sighed heavily and walked a few steps away from the bed. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. He was her boss, a friend in terms of just a colleague, he wasn't comfortable asking anything remotely personal, but something didn't sit right and it made her on the defensive.

"You have no idea what I'm feeling. I don't expect anyone to."

"You're not in this alone Sara." He insisted, watching her. "Let me help you. Maybe if you talk about it, then the claustrophobia and whatever else is happening will go away."

She knew it was going to happen sooner or later and the sooner was a damned inconvenience. Tears threatened to slowly trickle down her cheeks, but she took a deep breath to hold them back. It was his kind voice that was reaching inside her and her flicker of anger faded.

"You don't understand Grissom." She whispered. "None of this would have happened if I wasn't there. Nothing would have changed; everything would be as it was. I ruined that. I messed up and I got a person killed." She clamped her mouth shut and looked up mortified that she had even spoken.

"Sara." His voice was concerned and strong as he called her name.

She quelled the whirlwind of emotions inside her to a shaky breeze, trying to silence herself, but what came out next was a shock too, as she couldn't seem to shut up. "If I didn't respond to the call that night, we'd all be at work right now, none the wiser. Nick and Warrick would be playing games on their playstation in the break room. I'd be working on a case or helping out Greg in his lab. And you and Catherine would be away…would be…" She stumbled. "Here." Sara's face was wet with tears and her voice was shaking.

The silence was deafening and she wondered if he'd left. She wouldn't blame him if he did. He didn't want to, or had to listen to her. He had more important things to think about. He was still mourning the loss of his girlfriend and all she could do was pour out her pity.

"I'm sorry Grissom. I shouldn't have said that." She hurriedly tried to wipe her eyes and any traces of her crying. "I guess I'm messed up." She dropped her hands and dropped her shoulders in defeat. "Maybe you should do the seminar like you originally planned. I'll just go home."

Sara was so closed off that she didn't notice Grissom standing behind her, his face full of sadness and pain. Blame had no place here. She was not responsible for anything, especially not Catherine's death. It struck his heart that she even thought it.

His hand reached out and closed around her arm to turn her. He moved too until they were looking at each other. He was about to speak when she turned her head away.

He's going to confirm all her thoughts, that it was her fault. Her mind was racing with guilt. She'd taken a mother from her daughter and she'd taken a loved one from Grissom's life. And that was one thing she never wanted, not to Grissom, not to anyone.

All the time she had wanted him, all the moments she'd thought they'd shared… she had learnt the hard way that they were nothing but co-workers working closely together and that it was unavoidable. He was with Catherine and the very thought plagued her because she knew she'd lost to someone who was everything she wasn't and everything he wanted.

"I'm so sorry Grissom." She hiccupped, tears now pouring out with her painful memories. "I _never_ meant to take that away from you."

His heart was now broken beyond repair as he watched her break under the pressure of guilt. He hadn't realised all that was rushing around inside her. He had no idea.

At the sight of her breaking down, he gently wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her. Nothing but tears and heavy ragged breathing was heard for some time. Even Grissom's eyes had misted over at the strong emotions emanating from her tense body and his own pain.

After the sobs and heavy emotions had subsided slightly, he turned his head into her neck and sighed before placing the lightest of kisses against her warm skin, trying to comfort both of them, but obviously it was the wrong thing to do.

"Don't." Sara whispered, pulling away. She turned and reached up with one hand to cover the invisible mark of his kiss.

"Sara." He stepped toward her and reached out slowly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

She nodded. "S'ok."

He covered the hand on her neck and gently pulled it away as his chest touched her back, his emotions so strong he couldn't think of anything more to do but hold her, to help ease her pain. "No, I mean… I don't want you to hide from me. Not this." He ran the back of his hand down the side of her neck softly, making it tingle under his touch.

"Griss-" She whispered desperately, his name sticking in her throat as she tried to pull away from him.

His hands travelled down her arms to wrap around her waist. "Don't hide from me Sara. You've got nothing to be afraid of and you damn well have nothing to apologise for." He needed comfort too, and even though his brain was telling him this wasn't right, his heart was aching for her.

She shook her head and tried to move away from him, but he held her tightly against his body, trying to storm her attempts to close off.

"Whatever you're thinking, it's not as bad as you think." He whispered. "I've seen you hiding from the others. I've watched you try with all your might to hide the scars, but…" He breathed out a rush of air close to her ear. "God Sara! You have _nothing _to be embarrassed about. You were nearly _killed_; you are bound to have scars, both mentally and physically."

He ran one hand over her stomach to her hip to slide down and capture her hand in his. "Best friends don't hide things from each other." He told her in the softest voice she had ever heard as his hand gently stroked the scarring on her palm.

Sara's breathe hitched in her throat as she processed everything, but was still having trouble believing him. He was mourning and it was his way of reaching out in a stressful time, though she knew he wasn't like this and that she was the only one here for him to talk to. If there were someone else, like his incapacitated friend, he'd talk to them instead.

But it didn't stop her from selfishly taking something from him in his time of need. She turned and buried herself into his very core, trying to hide from the world and ease the pain that was camping out in her heart.

Grissom wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her as she cried silently into his chest. His fingers weaving through her silky hair and down her neck, trying to soothe her with his presence.


	11. Chapter 11

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You are sooo going to hate me for this, but it's straight onto the next day, but I swear to you we'll come back to chapter 10 soon. I've not even started chapters 12 and onwards, so you'll have to be way more patient with me for a while.

****

Chapter 11

"The whole collection thing, is important." Sara added for levity to wake up the room. Her attempt did awaken a few brainiacs. "Whether it is something as small as a skin cell to as big as a car or an entire lorry. It's all evidence and it all has to be processed."

Clicking the projector button in her hand, Sara turned to the students. "Here we have a prime example of evidence collection."

The picture showed a racing horse in an enclosure with two people wearing CSI flack jackets and two police troopers off to the side. "As with all scenes, big or small, there is a trooper there to guard both the scene and you."

Off to the side, Grissom stood and watched, in awe with the lecture and the lecturer.

"Now we move onto the more detail of evidence collection." Sara flicked off the projector and motioned for the lights to be turned back on. "The things that need specialist involvement," She raised her right hand to point out Grissom. "Dr Gil Grissom here is not only a CSI and an Entomologist, he's my boss, so be good and make what I just said sound really important."

The room burst out into light chuckles and laughs.

Stepping onto the podium, he offered her a smile and a chuckle. "Eating out of your hand." He told her as she passed by to let him take the stage.

Grabbing the notebook they were sharing, he looked up at the crowd. "Let's move onto my favourite part. Bug analysis and the importance of being able to give a timeline and time of death."

"Excuse me?" Someone from the group spoke up.

Grissom's eyes scanned the crowd to land on a girl in about her 20's, sitting in the third row on the right. "Yes?"

The girl stood up, clutching her notepad and tucking her hair behind her ear. "I have a question for Miss Sidle."

Grissom turned to look at Sara before nodding for her to continue. "Ask your question."

Waiting a moment, the girl looked at Sara. "In the photo, there was a guard at the scene."

Sara nodded.

The girl continued. "If we have suitable safety to continue working a scene, there must be times when accidents do happen." Waiting a moment, the girl looked from Grissom back to Sara. "I was wondering if you, yourself have been in a situation where a trooper has failed to secure a scene?"

Sensing an unasked query in that line of questioning, Grissom stepped forward to address and answer, but Sara cleared her throat, getting his attention.

"That's a good question," Sara answered. "Though it's not always a case of the officer failing to do his job, but it's the suspects. In some cases, the suspect _will _return to the scene, for a range of reasons and sometimes you come across them, but that's why there are officers on site at all times and the training you are given in hand to hand combat and firearms always ensures you that if something _should _happen, you can deal with it _appropriately_ without panicking.

Sara paused for a moment, knowing she hadn't answered the girl's question. She took a steady breath and continued on bravely. "You asked me if _I'd _been in a similar position and the answer is yes. A few times I've had a gun pointed at me. I was with an officer or more at each time, so I wasn't in any danger."

The girl nodded and shifted slightly, unsure of how to continue. "Thank you." She offered a small shy smile and sat down.

Grissom breathed out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding and smiled across the room at Sara, giving her a brief nod of praise.

The seminar continued for almost an hour before it finished. The final few minutes gave them enough time to answer any questions, though they would be available to answer more questions if they had them.

Sara was sitting at the desk on the podium, going over notes in her notepad and writing things down while Grissom answered some of the more advanced Entomological questions. She looked up from time to time to see the group get smaller and less loud.

Looking up one last time before packing up, she noticed the young girl who had stood up in the middle of the lecture to ask her question about crime scene safety. This girl, was, seemingly, flirting with the professor. Grissom, however, was preoccupied with writing something down.

Sara could see how the girl was looking him over. The way her body swayed slightly from side to side and her hands playing with the corners of her books in her arms. It was like she was holding herself back from touching him.

Of course she noticed this, because the first time she met Grissom was at a similar lecture and she had stood in front of him, holding her books close, but she actually asked questions and made notes, and he looked at her when he spoke. Something inside her sparked and she had to thrust it away before it grew and all her efforts to hide those emotions would be worthless.

Gathering up the last of the slides and files, Sara glanced around the room. Trying to distract herself from the display, she turned her mind to other matters and nodded almost to herself with the feeling she had achieved something with these students.

Leaving the room and walking towards the front doors of the lecture theatre, she pushed through the door with difficulty, trying to balance the box under her left arm and her briefcase in her right hand. It wasn't long before she knew things were going to start falling and she just managed to walk across the courtyard and through the, thankfully, open doors to the hotel and headed towards the elevators.

Once she stood, waiting, she managed to place the box on the floor and her briefcase was switched to her left hand so she could check her glove. It had been hot, but with a nice breeze, giving her and everyone else the warm atmosphere and the cool that came with it.

As usual, her hand felt clammy and warm inside her glove. Sighing and looking around her quickly, she pealed back the glove at her wrist and dried her palm on her blouse. Pulling the glove back, she picked up the box once again and juggled it, only to have it slip from her grasp and land on the floor with a resounding thud.

The elevator doors opened and two people got off. Sara was reaching for the box when someone else picked it out of her grasp.

"I thought you would have waited for me." Grissom's voice was tinged with sadness as he stepped onto the elevator. He looked at her as he pressed their floor number. "You didn't need to carry this." He lifted the box in his hands for a second.

Sara shrugged and held her briefcase against her chest and hugged it to her. "I didn't want to butt in or anything, just to tell you I was heading back. There wasn't any need."

He sighed. "I was only answering some questions."

"You were being ogled by that girl." She muttered, instantly stiffening and growing nervous. "Anyway, you have a lunch meeting."

Grissom stared at her for a moment, then registered what she had said. He nodded and looked up at the lights highlighting the different floors in their assent. "It's just lunch, really. Catch up on old times and talk." He looked back at her and smiled slightly. "We won't be there long. We can do something afterwards if you want?"

Sara's eyes widened with surprise. "I thought it was just you, Professor Collins and some colleagues?"

Waiting a beat, Grissom furrowed his brows in confusion. "You're not hungry?"

Her own face shone with confusion at this line of questioning. "It's for Entomologists only."

Looking at her, he sensed there was something more and had a good idea of what it was. "It's a lunch meeting. Nothing says you can't be there."

"I'll be fine." She assured him with a brief fleeting smile.

Watching her turn away from him, he couldn't help feeling like she didn't want to be seen with him. But why would that be if she was assisting his lectures with him? He was confused, and worried.

"I'd like you to come." He said softly, staring at her profile, waiting for any kind of response.

Sara looked down at her hand worrying away at the catch on her briefcase.

Turning to her fully, he stepped closer to touch her. Though he had touched her the night before to try and give her the comfort she wouldn't allow herself, he felt the nervousness of all those years seep back into him, only slightly to stall him, but he soon covered the hand that was playing with the catch.

"Don't hide away Sara. Remember, I'm here. Come with me. It's only lunch." He paused for a moment, gently rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb. "You need to eat. I know you're hungry. You barely ate breakfast."

"I wasn't hungry." She pathetically protested, sighing tiredly.

"Fine." She breathed, looking up from their hands to see his blue eyes trained on her.

"Don't hide from me honey, please." He pleaded, knowing deep down that she needs comfort, but so did he.

She shook her head sadly and looked at the doors as they finally opened. "I won't." She assured him.

Sitting at the large rounded table in the large room of many other professors and teachers of all areas of forensics, Sara couldn't help but feel like an outsider once again. She didn't have the qualifications they all had, or the experience. It was unsettling to sit and listen to people talking and not know what half of them are saying.

Mostly it was about Entomology, but there were brief introductions of forensics that Sara could understand and even comment on, now and then that is. She was surrounded by four Entomologists, Grissom included, with three other women, also in some area of forensics that Sara didn't have much knowledge over.

"So, Sara," One of the women decided to rouse her of her thoughts. "How long have you been a CSI?"

Looking at the sudden collection of audience, Sara returned her glass of water to the table and clasped it under the table with her right. "Um, around eight years I suppose."

"What's your area of expertise?" She asked.

Sitting up straighter, Sara squared her shoulders. Though she had listened to their conversation and was included, she couldn't remember all their names, so just answered the questioned with a small smile. "Materials and Element Analysis."

The smile faulted when she felt someone cover her hands that were nervously mashing together below the clothed table.

"You'll be well into computers then?" One of the professors laughed. "Personally, I can't get my head around then. I suppose I'm old school."

Sara's smile returned when she remembered a similar line from a best friend long ago. But that was at the back of her mind right now. Her hand was starting to shake as she realised it was Grissom's hand prying both hers apart with his one big hand.

She looked up at him, but he was talking to Jared. The others fell back into light conversation, but Sara was battling with what was currently happening to her.

The panic really started to set in when he managed to pull her glove off. A second later, his palm was pressed against hers as his index finger and thumb lightly caressed the side of her hand. She was frozen with fear almost. She hadn't taken her glove off in public, ever, at least since the explosion. Only her doctor and herself had seen her hand, and the rest of her injuries.

Grissom had seen them last night, but only her neck and hand. Briefly as it was. Now he was holding her hand, in public, without the glove.

"If you'll excuse me." Sara stood, tugging her hand free from Grissom's and stuffing it hastily into her pants pocket so no one would see when she left. "I think I need to rest. I'm still not feeling too well."

The woman, who had asked her the questions, looked up concerned. "Will you be alright Sara? Do you want me to come with you?"

Sara's eyes suddenly had a flash of seeing her mother asking the same question. Shaking her head with a small hesitant smile, she declined the offer. "That's ok. Thanks. It was nice meeting you all."

Grissom quickly wiped his mouth on his napkin before pushing back his chair. "I better make sure she's ok."


	12. Chapter 12

Ok, it's not my best and I've had to re write it twice already after losing all my work on the computer. It's long, so enjoy. It's a sad chapter though.

****

Chapter 12

Pushing his hands through the closing elevator doors, Grissom managed to trigger the sensors that reopened the them. "Hey, you ok?"

"Sure." Sara nodded, reaching to push the button again.

"No, you're not." He sighed, moving to lean against the wall beside where she was standing, stiffly, with her hands stuffed back into the confines of her pockets. "I'm sorry." He said with a hint of true apology.

Sara huffed, seeing right through his lie.

Grissom looked at her with a stern glare. "It's true."

"Yeah." She turned so she was leaning sideways against the wall, avoiding him the best she could in the confined space.

His good cop, bad cop plan crumbled, realising that forcing her to come back to the world was a very bad idea. He'd been sitting at the table, trying to engage himself in conversation, but his thoughts were mostly on Sara, whom was silent almost the entire lunch.

"I didn't mean to upset you." He said sincerely.

She nodded, but still avoided him.

"Sara." He whined, "Please."

"I know what you're trying to do." She said forcefully. "You don't know what it's like-"

"Then tell me." He demanded gently. "Tell me what's it's like. Tell me why you won't take that glove off.

Tell me why you button up your shirt, all the way. Tell me, please, why are you trying to hide the scars."

His tone gradually got more demanding, pushy even. He was only trying to break down the barriers she was so far building with great strength and swiftness. It was starting to make him look back, his own walls were weak as it was and Sara was somehow the reason why they were still wobbling. The only way to get into her head and help her would be to make himself vulnerable as well, though, at the moment that was pretty easy after all that's happened.

Sara's eyes clouded over as she let the words sink in. "I'm ugly." She would have closed in on herself and hidden if she hadn't heard the pain in his voice when he spoke.

"Oh honey." He moved closer and showed her just how the scars didn't bother him one bit, by taking her hands and pulling them apart from there tight clamping hold and gently stepped close enough to pull her against him. "Have you been thinking that this whole time?" He asked her softly, resting his cheek against her ear as his arms held her against his chest.

Her fingers were gripping the fabric of his shirt at his biceps and her eyes were filled with tears are she took in his warmth and let it fill her chilled soul. "I am." She whispered brokenly against his neck, trying not to think that he was so warm she could melt just standing there in his arms.

Grissom pulled back from her and cupped her face tenderly, brushing the tears away with such lightness her heart ached. His blue eyes were dark and intense as he looked into her eyes one minute before focusing on her neck.

Sara closed her eyes and turned her head away just as she brought her hand up to cover up where her collar had pulled from her skin. Before she could reach her neck, one of Grissom's large hands enclosed around her wrist to stop her.

"Don't." He commanded quietly, keeping his eyes on her neck as he released her hand and gently pulled back the collar and lightly let his index fingertip glide over the rough skin. "Does this hurt?" His eyes snapped to hers quickly. "Am I hurting you?" He asked worriedly when she drew in a laboured breath.

She shook her head ever so slightly, her eyes still closed, trying her best to ignore the flutter in her stomach and the immense ache now returning to her heart. Of all the lectures he could give her, he had to touch. Didn't his mother ever teach him never to touch things that were icky!? Who was she kidding? He's an Entomologist. He loves icky things.

"Beauty is only skin deep Sara." He told her in his deep tone. "These are only scars, scars that heal, that fade-" The pad of his thumb replaced his index finger, to gently stroke along the tiny scar lines where the telltale signs of moving her neck had caused nearly hidden overlapped scarring.

"They won't go away completely." Sara whispered sadly, her eyes opening to lock onto his. When she did catch his eyes, she could see a certain, tender, look in them. Something had just happened and she missed it.

The elevator door's announced it's arrival with an electronic ding before opening to reveal their floor.

Grissom broke away first, but slipped his hand into hers, her right hand, and led the way to her room. He watched her pulled her key card from her pocket and unlock her door before opening the door himself and walking inside, still holding her hand.

Once the door was closed behind them, he turned to her and sighed. "Take off your shirt, Sara."

Somewhat shocked by the request, she wrapped her arms around her midsection in protest.

Grissom smirked, well, almost. There was no amusement in this, but the thought that he was positive just flashed in her mind, was only partly true. He amended. "I know you've got a vest on underneath Sara. I just want you to take your shirt off. That's it."

Sara stared at him, then shook her head. "I don't think so Griss." Though if it was any other day in any other timeline, she would have gladly taken her top off for him, but not this timeline. Not after all that's happened.

Sighing heavily, he sat down on her bed, looking up at her. After a moment of contemplation, he stood, only to move towards her slowly. "Sara." He said her name almost in a whisper as he placed his hands on her arms. "Trust me. I'm not going to do anything that's inappropriate. I promise. I just want to show you that it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Taking my shirt off construed as inappropriate in my book Grissom. And the answer is still no." Sara broke away from him and walked towards double doors that opened onto the balcony.

"Hey, if it makes you feel any better I'll strip my shirt too!" He joked, trying to ease the tension that had settled around them since the elevator.

A nervous tick appeared on her face and she couldn't help by let out a short laugh as she opened the balcony doors.

"I'm serious though Sara." Grissom continued, moving out onto the balcony. "Let me help you."

She glanced at him as she leaned over the railing.

"I won't hurt you. I promise." He whispered against the warming air now filling the tension that started to appear around them again.

Taking one last look at her surrounds, Sara moved back inside and as she walked across the room, she slowly unbuttoned her shirt, really slowly.

Grissom appeared at the double doors and leaned against the open frame. He watched her back as she fumbled nervously with the buttons. Though his words could be looked at as intimate, his only wanted to help Sara get her life back, then perhaps he could start getting his own life back.

But the instant her shirt came off, his whole helping his friend monologue fell out the window and all he could see was flesh and bone. All very down to earth primitive emotions hitting hard and hitting low. Before Sara even turned, he was behind her, his hands touching her arms, neck and shoulder blades.

Though the fire barely touched her back, the scarring clinging to her sides could be seen in the semi darkness of Sara's room. Grissom's hands skirted around the edges of her vest before gently grasping her shoulders and turning her to face him.

As he continued his exploration, his voice rumbled from deep within his throat as he spoke. "You said the scares will fade and that the doctor will recommend you for skin graphs in a few months." He was basically just repeating what she had told him, but he needed to fill the building silence between them.

"Or I could be scarred for life." Sara said self-depreciatingly, turning her head away to keep from looking at him. His eyes were focused on her body and it was becoming her undoing. She may feel and look ugly, but the feeling for this man were still there, no matter how much she tried to bury them.

"Sara." He called her name. "Look at me." His eyes caught hers as she turned her head back to him. "Do you trust me?"

Sara's eyes were crossed between indecision and fear. After all, there had been those times before he started dating Catherine that could have been looked at as flirting. Nothing came of it and the trust line between them had been blurred a great deal over the recent years. But now, he was pushing his broken heart and lost loved one away to help her. How could she not trust him a little bit?

His fingers caressing her collarbone broke through her waging thoughts. "What scares you most? What has you hiding from everyone?" He reached down with his other hand and started to remove her glove.

The feel of his warm palm pressed against hers caused her to shudder. Through her befuddled thoughts, she opened her eyes to see his watching her. She opened her mouth to speak, but couldn't find the answers to his questions and slowly closed it again in defeat.

Raising their hands, Grissom gently spread her fingers with his and laced them. "Are you afraid that people will stare and talk?" He asked her. "Because I didn't think you were the sort of person that was bothered by gossip."

His challenged tone hit her hard and she pulled away from him. "This is different!" She snapped, and struggled to get her hand free from his. "Let go Grissom." She told him, unsuccessfully trying to get free.

"Why?" He questioned quickly. "So you can run away?"

Sara turned back to him. "I'm not running, that's your MO, remember?" She broke away from his hand when his grip weakened.

Struck with the proverbial stick, he frowned. That, he wasn't expecting.

Seeing what she had just done, she tried to fix it, apologising and approaching him. "Oh god, Grissom. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry." She had completely forgot about her current state of dress and turned the table of comfort in his direction. Both knew instantly what she was referring to and it was a low blow on her side.

Grissom shook his head slowing and took in a shuddering breath to relax. He felt her hands on his arms and then his chest, trying to comfort him. It was a shock, being thrown back in time to before everything had changed. The flirting, the obvious attraction between them, but that all ended when he turned around and rejected all her advances and later moved on to another woman, that woman being Catherine.

The heavy pain in his heart came back and his thoughts were swamped with Catherine and their time together. It had been like any other relationship, even the arguments. Then his thoughts threw him a curve ball and images of her burnt body flashed before his eyes and sent him reeling backwards, almost losing his footing.

Sara grasped his jacket and held him still.

Regaining his balance, he moved forward a step. He raised his arms to move around her and hold her as his face buried itself into her neck and tears quickly fell.

"I'm so sorry Gil, I didn't mean to say that. I never meant to-" She sighed heavily and wrapped her arms around him, holding his shaking body against hers. When she heard him sniffle a few times and shift in her arms, she gently ran her fingers through his curls to sooth him.

It was one thing to face her own demons, but his were more important to her. He had lost Catherine because she hadn't done her job properly and called in to tell him that she had taken the case. If she had radioed ahead, none of this would have happened and losing Catherine would only be a nightmare to him and not a constant horrible tragedy that ripped his life apart.

She had told herself in the hospital that she would never ask for forgiveness or expect it because she was the one to blame. If she could be so cruel as to throw her own failures in his face, then she didn't deserve any kind of forgiveness, not from him, not anyone.

Thinking back to the time of friendly banter and teenage flustering in the lab, Grissom knew then that what had happened to end things between them had been his own fears. Fears of a rejection from a pretty girl who was still young and alive. He hadn't thought about it in so long and he didn't think that it had meant so much to Sara. Mentioning it now must have been a slip because he knew she'd never intentionally hurt his feelings.

Feeling her hand in his hair, touching his scalp, his eyes opened and closed slowly, taking in the sensation and letting his emotions completely run away with him, because at that moment, he couldn't think about the past any longer, it was too painful a memory.

"Sara." He sniffled, trying to draw strength to forget, for one night, that he was in a living nightmare.

When she sensed a change in the tension, she became very nervous. "Griss? You ok?" She asked, pulling back to look into his damp eyes. "I'm sorry… I-" She sighed, letting her hands drop from his shoulders. She hoped he had caught her apology, on more than one level. The way she had acted years ago, the way she had been since and the explosion, she was sorry for it all, but knew not to expect anything.

Clearing his head, his only thought was to forget and the only way he could think of that was to do something he had dreamt about so long ago, but hadn't since. He knew that deep down he was about to do a very bad thing in terms of taking advantage, but he knew that if he did this, if he let himself just forget for a while, that he could show her that she was still pretty, then he could start the healing process himself.

Before she could go anyplace, his hands were reaching for her face and his body was close to hers. The shock and the worry in her eyes was clear for him to see. "Grissom?"

"Ssh." He whispered close to her lips, his eyes still held tears and she was still standing in her vest and jeans.

Closing her eyes the moment his lips touched her, she felt a tingle of what she felt for him seep into her soul, but the second time their lips touched, she knew it was wrong. He was upset and it was her fault. "Griss, stop." She sighed quietly, knowing he wasn't thinking rationally. When her eyes opened and held his, she could see something in them, but not what she had hoped. On some level she knew he probably wasn't even seeing her anymore. His emotional state was probably manifesting Catherine and she just happened to be in the same room.

Soft blue eyes closed and his lips were on hers again, and this time she had to struggle to pull away. His warmth was seeping into her, filling her. "This isn't right." She groaned helplessly, turning completely away from him.

"No." He sighed. "Maybe it isn't right. But maybe it's what we need right now, Sara. Maybe it'll make this all go away-"

"It won't." She stated firmly. "We're both upset, both angry and both very vulnerable, but we can't sleep together." She shook her head. "We just can't." Her thoughts were once again in the past, thinking about the time she had been willing to give up everything for him if he'd asked. The times she had dreamed about sharing a bed with him, sharing their days together… He hadn't wanted her then, so why would he now if he was thinking about someone else?

Grissom moved to stand behind her. "Remember when I said that beauty was only skin deep?" He asked, taking her shoulders in his hands to hold her still, his fingers lightly dancing over her skin.

"It won't change a thing Gil, please stop this." She pleaded harshly, turning angry.

He wasn't going to give up on her. "I'll stop this, but only when you start believing that what I'm saying is true. Beauty, without a doubt, is standing in front of me and I'll prove to you that no matter what others say, there's only one person you need to know the truth. And that's you Sara."

Caught in his grasp again, she sighed heavily, her shoulders dropping in defeat. It was like going around in circles. His pain, her pain, his pain and then hers again. It was a cruel world.

Gasping suddenly, at the warmth moist lips against her neck, Sara closed her eyes. As his assault on her neck began, her right hand moved to cover his on her shoulder. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't turn around and say no. He was pushing, yes, but he was the one saying they needed this. Seduction should be one of his fortes, because he had it down to an art.

Turning very slowly, she felt his lips glide across her skin before meeting hers in a soft joining that was hesitant at first, but gradually faded into, dare it be said, longing and loving. Never had she been kissed so tenderly before.

Breathing the warm air coming in from the open balcony doors, she turned her head, unconsciously nuzzling the nose pressed to her cheek. His body was still wrapped around hers and his face was held in the crook of her neck, his breathing deep and shallow.

"Gil?" She whispered, trying to judge if he was sleeping or just relaxed.

Moving closer to her, his arm tightened around her waist, his face softly brushing her hers. "Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That is all you know on Earth and all you need to know."

His soft words were breathed on a whisper close to her ear, tugging at her heart strings and making her curl up to him some more as they both let the exhaustion claim them.

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Extracting himself from her sheets, he sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at her, his eyes still half closed in sleep. Lightly, so not to wake her, he ran his fingers from her neck down to her hand, burning what they had shared into his brain before moving and standing to collect his clothes.

Sara's eyes fluttered open when the dip in the mattress beside her was no more. She watched his back as he walked to the dresser to pull on his shirt and retrieve the rest of his clothing before moving to the adjoining door.

Turning when he reached the door, he saw her eyes on him. Just looking at her for a few silent moments, he could recall every sound, every smell and every touch. Blinking to break the spell, he let a small sad smile slowly pull at the corners of his lips before closing the door and cutting the connection.

Standing in the lecture hall, Sara was beginning to think that he wasn't going to turn up and when the last person took their seat, she knew he wasn't going to. Trying to stay calm, she busied herself with the projector for a few moments to buy herself some courage to stand up and do this alone.

Motioning for the light to dim, she turned to the students and took a deep breath. "Evidence." She announced as her opening and raised the remote in her hand to click the first slide to appear on the big screen over her shoulder.

"Crime scene collection and processing. These are not only the key to opening a case, but it's the key to closing it."

Walking through various simulated scenes and throwing out difficult questions, Sara was pleased to see everyone that she called upon to answer, was listening.

Leaning back against the desk, she clasped her bare hands over her stomach, twisting the projector remote with her thumbs and index fingers. "Processing isn't like you see it on the television. It's real, its vital and it's time consuming. You think it will take a few minutes for the Mass Spec to spit out a result, well, you'd be wasting a good few hours, even days, standing in the lab, twiddling your thumbs when there are other leads and other evidence to follow."

Taking a moment for them to scribble down notes, Sara pushed herself up and moved to the front of the stage, standing near the edge. She watched them a moment, casting her eyes over the group slowly. Once she was satisfied everyone was listening again, she held up her hand for silence as a few in the back started muttering.

"I'd listen carefully." She advised them like a teacher would. "Before I finish, I want to ask you all a question."

Sara placed the remote on the podium beside her and looked back up. "Most of you in this room are CSI's, some are techs, detectives, even college students. Let me ask you this question and I want you to think about it for a few minutes before answering. But don't tell me your answer." She told them, raising her eyebrows slightly. "Tell yourself the answer, when you have it."

Waiting a minute, she spoke. "Why are you in this job?" She looked around the room, watching their reactions. "Don't answer it right away. Whatever your answer may be, think about this…"

"… This job isn't easy. Working doubles, even triples can be bad for your health. Working on lack of sleep and food can be bad for your health too, and, it can alter your perception on things, including your patience. In this job you need to know your limits, your boundaries and your fears. Because if you don't, you'll have a problem with this job."

Feeling the air suddenly fill with questions, Sara smiled. "Confusion, I've been told, is the best place to be."

Answering a heap of questions as she packed away, Sara felt a sudden belonging. She didn't know if she was going to be able to complete a whole session by herself, but she had and it was very satisfying. The attention of her students was warming to her heart. They wanted to learn and they were going to her for the answers.

Once the room started to become empty, she looked up to see him sitting in the middle row. "Hey. I didn't see you there."

Grissom sat back and lifted his feet to the chair in front of him. "I was listening, in the back. I especially liked the last bit… Funny, I didn't know we'd added that to the seminar."

Sara closed her case and grabbed the box of slides, placing them in the large box. "Yeah. I know I missed some bits out, but I figured we could push them into the seminar tonight."

"Sure, it shouldn't be too difficult." He nodded to himself, mentally going through the nights seminar notes.

Walking towards the door, she hesitated, looking back at him. She knew there was probably a reason why he didn't turn up, but she didn't want to push and she didn't want to start an argument.

"Sara." He called out to her, his voice soft. He waited until she had stopped before going on. "I know this afternoon was mistake, but I don't regret it." He stated, a long pause, then a sigh. "It was wonderful, in more ways than one. I-"

She turned her head slightly to look at him. "It's ok Grissom, I understand. Wrong place and wrong time. I just want you to know, that I don't expect anything."

The eyes told all before she left the room. He had seen a sadness that was trying to work it's way into his heart, but he refused. What happened, happened. It may have been a big mistake, but it brought them both back to life and brought them both back to reality. They could now move on to a new future, one where they left the past behind.

Catching their flight back the next morning was an easy affair, except for the fact that there was a silence between them that put off the air hostesses from approaching them.

"This a protest silence?" Grissom asked as the plane journeyed into it's twenty minutes.

Sara let a small smile form as she turned her head away from the window to glance at him. "No."

Nodding, he clucked his tongue. "So?"

"I'm thinking." She told him in a hushed tone, casting her eyes back towards him.

He shrugged, looking at her. "About what?"

Smirking at him before turning serious, she leaned into the armrest that separated their seats. "Why did you stop teaching?"

"Hmm, well." He thought about it and in the end he didn't have an answer for her. "I just stopped."

Sara nodded, accepting his answer and turning back to the window. "Oh."

If he had answered, the real reason he stopped teaching was that his hearing had decreased over the years and another reason was that he had met Sara at one seminar in her first year at San Francisco. If he allowed himself, he would have taken a trip down memory lane, but chose not to. There was no place for it now.

Absently, he let his fingers run over hers of her right hand, which lay resting on her knee. When he realised what he was doing, he snatched his hand back and excused himself to the bathroom.

Sara hadn't moved her hand, because she didn't want to give the little hope she held, a chance to fade away. Before the explosion there was always a small piece of hope that he would see her as something more than a friend or co-worker, but now, she didn't want to think about it anymore. Things changed and it was definitely time to just let go.

The first night back at work was slow and while cases were pending, Sara did some personal research. She had been thinking about her job, even more so after hearing many others at the seminar telling her their answers to her unplanned question.

Somehow the question gave her the out she was looking for. A place to start. With almost two dozen answers, she knew she had her own answer to her question.

Why was she in this job? Forensics? A CSI? It was easy for her to answer now. She went to college intending on becoming a Physicist and turned into a Forensic Pathologist instead. She travelled a road she hadn't expected and it ended where it was now beginning. After coming out of hospital, she had told herself that she needed to start fresh, that the job she was in was holding nothing for her anymore.

With all that in mind, Sara started scouting for job positions in various locations. She didn't have to look far before one popped up. A local position at LVU's Forensic and Physic's Department was looking for a professor. The qualifications weren't specified, but Sara guessed that she'd have to have a teaching degree of sorts, though that didn't shun her a bit. She was willing to take the classes and earn the qualifications so she could move on with her life and start afresh.

Even if she got the job, she'd still be in Vegas, which would mean she'd be close to her friends and still in a good couple of hours driving distance from her parents. It would be perfect. She didn't need a new place to live, which saved on money and all she needed was to apply and wait. There were probably many others with better and more experience, so she wasn't going to hold her breath.

After applying to more than four applications, Sara continued working along side her friends, though she was still a little unnerved about working without her gloves or polo necks. She had shopped a week after getting back from Colorado, buying new blouses and shirts with buttons in case she had an anxiety attack at a crime scene where spectators and news reporters were hanging around. Her injuries sustained in the fire were still evident and with good reason, she just didn't feel comfortable being alone with anyone unless it was Grissom.

When time came to give in her notice, everyone was surprised, though they were more surprised she was staying in Vegas to teach. Nick and Warrick were pleased, Greg was ecstatic and Brass was happy too. Grissom on the other hand just signed the papers and handed them back to her without much of good luck or a congratulations. Though she tried not to think too much of it as she was trying to push her jumbled feelings for her, soon to be ex-supervisor, to the far reaches of her heart where she was hoping they would stay and not torment her.

Her last night at the lab finished quickly, her mind already on her new job. Nick and Greg organised a small leaving party at a small casino a short distance from the lab. Warrick and Brass chipped in and all that was left was for Grissom to show up, which, in the end, he did.

"Here's to new beginnings!" Nick grinned, holding up his drink and clashing it with Greg's, Warrick's and so on until he turned to Sara and pecked her cheek in a brotherly way. "I'm sure I speak for everyone here," He looked around the large table quickly. "We're glad you're staying in Vegas. It wouldn't be the same without you."

"Thanks guys." Sara blushed and sipped her white wine.

After more talking and drinking, Warrick led Sara to the dance floor. Being an early Friday morning, soft music filtered from the speakers. During the second dance Warrick stepped back from her and smiled.

"Mind if I cut in Warrick?" Grissom's deep voice rumbled behind her.

"Sure Griss." Warrick sauntered off the dance floor and joined Nick and Greg chatting up the waitresses.

Sara slowly slipped back into her dance partners arms, though a different man completely. She let herself feel just a bit as she absorbed the warmth of his hand as he took hers and the warmth of his body as he pulled her gently against him. Though, as soon as they started dancing, she tried to push the feelings away to save herself embarrassment.

Still dancing, quietly and timely, they moved around the small wooden floor effortlessly. It seemed like an eternity before anything happened and when it did, she felt his fingers splay over the small of her back so lightly it made her shiver against him.

"When is your first lecture?" He asked her, his voice still neutral as ever.

"Monday." She sighed, though you couldn't tell. She was staring at his hand grasping hers the entire time they danced, telling herself not to enjoy the simple touch.

"I'm going to miss you." His voice dropped to an almost whisper. When she looked up into his eyes, he spoke as though he hadn't spoken such soft words. "I talked to the dean, he assured me that your studies wouldn't interfere with your teaching." He shrugged causally at her startled look. "I know how much you like to learn."

"Thank you, but you didn't have to do that." She told him gently, trying to hide the confusion.

He shrugged again and turned them. "If you need anything, you know where I am."

Taking his offer kindly, she nodded, unconsciously leaning more against him. "I'll miss you too." She whispered after a single heartbeat.

Grissom's eyes gazed into hers as they came to a standstill in the middle of the floor. A soft and tender look was there, showing her the tinniest bit of the self he'd shared with her that night alone. As soon as the music stopped, the trance that had bestowed upon them, broke, and he slowly released her and escorted her back to the table where their friends were still teasing waitresses.

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

****

Chapter 14

Closing her text book, Sara grabbed her bag and jacket. She was already in her sixth week and things were still so new, to everyone. Her students were already getting used to her and she was beginning to look on like a proud mother hen. It was a new feeling and she liked it.

Passing the entomology lab, which was small compared to her physics lab on the other side of the building. She needed a text book for her course and had to pass by to get to the library. It was a poor excuse and a foolish one.

"Miss Sidle!" Henry Giles greeted excitedly when he looked up from his marking. "It's good to see you again."

Sara smiled and made her way into the room. She had befriended the older professor one evening at a late night coffee run. She was making an all-nighter to study for her first exams and he was trying to stay awake long enough to finish his evening seminar papers.

"Mr Giles. You're not still working on those damned papers from last week are you?" She asked good-naturedly.

Henry laughed, his voice being absorbed by the many books and wall hangings. "Goodness no. Please, sit." He quickly stood and cleared a chair of books.

"Thanks." She smiled.

Settling back in his seat, he sighed. "It's good to take a break."

"What are you still doing here anyway? It's nearly eight p.m." Sara inquired, checking her watch.

"Oh!" His face crinkled, showing signs of wrinkles and evidence of what gravity had done over the years. "A good friend of mine, and yours I imagine." He smiled and nodded. "A Mr. Grissom."

Sara's eyes widened briefly, before turning her head to casually look around the room. "He's the Night-shift Supervisor for the Crime Lab."

Henry chuckled and sipped his lukewarm coffee. "I know. He said to pass on a message if I by chance saw you." He watched as she looked at him with something he could not tell lingering in her eyes. "There is a celebration of sorts, at the Tangiers. He asked me to remind you to check your email."

"Oh." Sara smiled softly. "I haven't checked it in about a week."

"Well, he seemed troubled by something when I saw him this morning, but knowing Gil, it's probably just work."

Sara stayed awhile and talked about the university. She had already met quite a few professors, male and female. Her students were surprising her everyday and she studied at night. This gave her less time to seek out many none work related friendships and she hadn't seen anyone from the lab apart from Brass.

Two weeks after she had left the lab, Brass turned up in her seminar and asked about a student that was reported missing. After talking about work, they sat for half an hour and chatted about things happening around them. They both worked like always, but they still missed a social life.

* * *

Logging into her email the minute she returned to her apartment, Sara waited patiently as the page loaded. She hadn't heard from Grissom, and wondered what kind of email he had sent. It could be a number of things, but mostly, she hoped it was something on a personal level, like asking how she was. But when she located the aforementioned email, her mouth dropped into a frown of disappointment.

'**From**: Gil Grissom, Nightshift Supervisor

**To**: Mr. N. Stokes, Mr. W. Brown, Miss. S. Sidle, Miss S. Curtis, Mr. P. Marlo,

Mr. G. Sanders, Miss J. Francs, Mr. B. Dolton, Mr. A Johnson…

Subject: Congratulations Dinner and Drinks

Recent changes have taken place at the Crime Lab and celebrations are warranted. As I've been directed

to notify those of the Crime Lab, you are hereby invited to dinner and drinks at the Tangiers on the 5th

December 2004. The attire is black tie for the gentleman and gowns for the ladies.

Dr. Gil Grissom, Nightshift Supervisor.'

Sara leaned back in her chair and stared at a blank spot on her desk. Obviously it was intended for Crime Lab employees only. So why send her an invite? Surely she couldn't still be on the mailing list? It had been over a month since she started her Uni courses and teaching.

But, what if it wasn't some computer mistake and she was truly invited and she was just over thinking the whole thing?

She sighed and decided to let Grissom know she could attend, just in case it was a mistake. Even though there weren't any other emails from Grissom or the lab, and the fact that Grissom mentioned it to Professor Giles, perhaps the invite was legit.

'**From**: Sara Sidle SidleS…

**To**: Gil Grissom GrissomG…

Subject: Re: Congratulations Dinner and Drinks

Hey'

Sara's brow furrowed as she tried to think what to say. It was suddenly more difficult than she first expected. They hadn't spoken a word, not really. The first real conversation, be it short, was at her leaving party. He hadn't tried to contact her, but neither had she for that matter. Thinking about picking up the phone, or typing up an email, or dropping in for a visit at the lab, wasn't exactly doing those things.

'Hey,

I thought I'd email you and let you know that I don't actually work for the lab anymore. I figured you'd

remember that. Guess not. Or maybe you did and you just want to see me, but not alone. I can

understand that. You don't want to be left alone with me. I can't understand why you wouldn't want that,

but I guess it's because you think I might do or say something to make you feel uncomfortable…'

And **Ctrl-A** and **Delete**.

Skulking away from her computer, she busied herself with making something hot to drink and a sandwich.

* * *

"Turn to your notes from yesterdays talk on analysis and theory." She instructed as soon as she switched the lights back on. "Analysis and theory." She began.

"You've been given your assignment. You've arrived at the scene, wherever that might be. And you've either done the walkthrough or the lead CSI has given you the rundown. From the notes taken by the on scene officers, the paramedics; if they were called, and your own notes."

She paused and picked up her old, now empty, pocket sized notebook and held it up. "You can begin to piece together, roughly, what happened. This is called a theory." Placing the notebook on the desk, she crossed hers arms over her chest and leaned back against the heavy pine. "Now, you can share this theory and you may find clues or evidence to support it, but usually the evidence, after processing, gives you a completely different theory to the first. This is a good thing though. Not everyone can be right and it's always a good idea to keep your minds open to other possibilities."

A student on the fifth row shot a hand into the air. "Miss Sidle."

Sara smiled and glanced at the setting plan. It was still early days to know everyone's name. "Yes, Alex."

Alex straightened in his seat and pushed his glasses up his nose. "Um. Is…" He flushed red with embarrassment. "Isn't a theory an assumption? And, if so, wouldn't that be going back on what you've been telling us, 'Assume Nothing'?"

Chuckling, Sara shook her head. "No Alex. Even if you don't assume, there is always going to be a theory running around in your head. It's interpretation of the crime and theory of the why and how. Though they can be the same, but they're different also." Seeing that she needed an example, she moved around her desk to search for a projector slide. Once she found one, she placed it into the machine and walked across the room to turn the lights out. The picture came up clear in the dark.

"Ok, here's a picture of a reconstruction. You've got your evidence, you've got your crime scene. Now process it with your eyes and brain before even thinking of moving around the room. Picture yourself standing at the door to the room and think about what you see. If you were really there, you'd use your sense of smell and sound, but use your eyes for me."

Standing by the wall, she waited a few moments to give them time to be pulled into the picture. Sensing the quietness of concentration, she spoke softly, but loud enough to be heard by all.

"I'm standing in an unknown room. Already I'm thinking, 'What happened in here?'. 'Who could have done this?'. 'Why?'. Already my mind is thinking dozens of scenarios and trying to piece together what I see to find some answers. I might see some evidence or blood stain or disturbance that doesn't look right, that doesn't work into my already forming theory, but I note it down just the same to work on later. I wait and learn. I wonder why the bloody knife is on the table and not on the floor or there at all. I wonder why the body is on it's back and not it's front. I wonder why there aren't any stab marks on the body if there's a knife sitting not far away. I wonder why the room is almost torn apart, but the body is near enough intact."

She swiftly switched the light back on, dulling the image on the white screen. Walking back to the projector, she turned it off. "Theory without assumption." She finished, looking up at Alex, seeing him scribbling notes.

* * *

"Miss Sidle?"

Turning from her desk, Sara smiled. "Henry. What are you doing this side of the campus?"

Henry Giles chuckled and set his briefcase on the desk beside Sara's. "I come to give you an invite."

Sara took the creamy envelope from his thinning bony hand and opened it. "I sure am getting invites at the moment aren't I?"

"Are you attending the celebrations at the Tangiers tonight?" Henry asked, smiling as he tucked his hands into his blazer pockets.

"I haven't decided yet." She politely informed him. "I've still got my 'reconstruction and assessment' papers to mark."

Henry nodded to the invite and reached for his briefcase. "I would like you to attend this small gathering. It's just a few of the professors."

Sara sighed and mustered up a smile. "Of course. I'll be there. Thank you for inviting me Henry."

* * *

Not sure what she was doing standing there in the corner in the first place, she was debating whether to find anyone or leave. At the moment, she stood clutching her black purse in both hands and trying not to slouch. Her long black dress matched her shoes and wrap perfectly. Wispy bits of curly hair hung close to her face and her makeup finished the look completely. All she needed was a date and the butterflies in her stomach to fly away before she lost her bottle and left.

After a few minutes, the crowd dispersed slightly and a gap between bodies showed a clear view of Grissom standing by the tables lined up close to the wall. His crisp black tux and his short curls took her breath away.

This was the first time she had seen him since her leaving party and she could see clearly the changes he had undergone. He looked like he had lost some weight, but built some muscle in his chest and shoulders. Something about filling that tux with muscle made her stomach flutter. He looked good, really good in fact. The last time she had seen him looking so relaxed was when Catherine had arranged a dinner for two at one of her father's expensive casino restaurants, though she didn't know he was her father at that time.

Checking herself quickly, she made a small step forward, but was stopped by someone's hand on her arm and her name being called and questioned.

"Sara Sidle?"

"Yes." Sara turned slightly, though trying to keep her eyes on Grissom so she didn't lose him. "How can I help?"

The tall woman stood just about an inch taller than Sara, most likely due to her high-heels, and wore her blonde hair long and loose down her back. Her dress was red and her purse matched. Dangling ear-rings and perfect make-up. She looked like she dressed in formal-wear all the time.

"I'm Sophia Curtis, the new CSI on Nightshift." She held out her hand to Sara and smile. "I thought I recognised you. It's finally nice to meet you. I've heard so many things."

Sara smiled genuinely and took the offered hand. "Well then, I hope whatever you heard was all good."

Sophia chuckled lightly and nodded. "It was." Glancing around the room, she sighed. "I guess you heard about the party from one of the guys. I was told no non-lab personnel were attending. It was all in-house." She shrugged and smiled. "But I guess that doesn't go for ex-non-lab personnel huh?"

"Oh." Sara's smile faded, suddenly she didn't like this woman so much.

Turning quickly, Sophia laughed. "No! I didn't mean it like that." She laughed again and patted Sara's arm. "Goodness no. I was just curious." She sighed with a small smile. "I apologise, I tend to say what's on my mind."

"No no, that's fine." Sara quickly fired back, trying to come up with something to say. "I got an invite."

"That's alright then." Sophia grinned. "Ok." She sobered and looked around again. "It was so nice to meet you, but I have to find my date before the speeches begin."

Sara nodded and watched her walk away. Guess that went well. How come you can never take back first impressions? That would have been just one of the moments she'd love to erase.

Settling back into silence, Sara made a move to walk down the steps, but stopped. Only this time it wasn't from someone holding her back, but this time is was from what she was seeing. She suddenly didn't like her new acquaintance, change that to bordering close on didn't like at all.

Sophia was standing with whom Sara guest was her date for the evening. What struck Sara was that it was Grissom. Unsure what to do, she stood close to a crowd on the steps and watched as the two talked. A sinking feeling started to build up and the butterflies seemed to die off, because all she could feel was her heart beating rapidly and her whole body temperature drop a few degrees.

Sophia's right arm was hooked with Grissom's left and her hand clutched his.

Taking that as her cue to back out, Sara turned and proceeded to leave the room. She made it to the cloak desk and collected her coat. It was only a few minute walk to the elevators and as she walked, she pulled on her coat and tucked her purse into one of the large pockets.

It was like a sledge-hammer in her gut. She couldn't explain what just happened. If she could think straight, she might have stayed and stuck it out, but seeing him and this woman on such intimate terms made her heart ache.

Just what had she been doing for the past few months? Working to get on with her new life and struggling to juggle work and Uni, and most importantly, she had been trying to forget just how much she missed Grissom and how much it hurt to move on without his presence in her life.

Reaching the elevators, she pushed the down button and waited. Her eyes were fixed on her manicured hands as more thoughts rushed through her head.

"Are you going?" Came a familiar voice from behind.

Sara turned and smiled. "Hey Greggo."

Greg smiled brightly and moved forward for a hug. It wasn't something he'd do normally, but he hadn't seen her in months. "Hey Sara."

She welcomed his hug and sighed lightly. "How you been?"

"I should ask you that." He chuckled, stepping back and stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets.

"I'm good." Sara looked him over, noticing his normal but spiky brown hair.

Greg frowned. He glanced at her coat, then the elevator doors. "Are you leaving? The party hasn't started yet."

She nodded sadly. "I just found out it was lab only. So, I'm gonna head out and finish up some work."

"Oh." He looked down, disappointed, but his head snapped up with a thought.. "You got an invite though, or you wouldn't be here. That means you can stay."

Sara chuckled. "I guess so."

"Cool." He straightened, but his shoulders dropped when the elevator doors opened and she took a step toward them. "You're still going though?"

"Yeah. Sorry Greg. I've really got things to do, but you know what?" She asked, turning when she stepped into the elevator and looked at him. "You call me tomorrow and we'll have lunch?"

Greg's eyes light up and his head jerked up and down excited. "Really? Yeah, I'd like that, I'd like that a lot."

She laughed and pressed the ground floor button. "Good. Tomorrow at the diner on 5th at 11."

"I'll be there." His voice flew through the closing doors.

… TBC …


	15. Chapter 15

****

Chapter 15

Sara stepped off the elevator, her hands in her purse, searching for her keys, though she knew she really didn't need them. When she bumped into someone, she looked up quickly. And gasped.

"Grissom." Her voice cracked and she desperately wanted to cough, but instead just cleared her throat.

"Hi." He smiled a little and took a second to look her up and down. "You look wonderful, but you're heading in the wrong direction for the party." He took her elbow and steered her back into the still open elevator doors. Surprisingly it was empty.

Trying to say something, anything, she stared at his face in pure shock. She could see the sweat beading from his hairline and his chest raising up and down fast enough to tell her he had just run down quite a few flights of stairs.

Not really conscious of her actions, her hand slowly reached up to touch his cheek, close to his ear. She pulled her hand back just as he flinched and turned his head to look at her hand. "You run a marathon?"

Grissom puffed out an exhausted breath and chuckled, his left hand covering hers to wipe her fingers. "Something like that."

Silence hit them and their eyes seemed to stay where they were. Grissom smiled again, but Sara broke away and looked down at their hands, still in front of them. She slowly pulled her hand from his and stepped away from him, noticing that she was almost leaning against him.

"I heard you had arrived." He spoke casually, moving to lean against the mirror wall to look directly at her. "Greg told me you were leaving. Something about work?" He inquired.

Sara nodded. "Yeah. Things to do, you know?"

"Oh." He looked down for a moment. "You didn't say hello, or anything… I…" He shrugged, knowing she could see him in the mirrors reflection. "I wanted to see you."

"Well." She smiled faintly, though she didn't feel like smiling at all. "I couldn't fathom why I was here in the first place." She glanced at him briefly in the mirror. "Not being part of the lab any longer, nor the LVPD. It didn't seem…" She sighed and confessed, but only a small portion of her true reason. "I felt uncomfortable."

"It is rather crowded." He nodded. "Not really the best place for a large amount of people, but it's working out."

Sara dropped her head slightly to look at her purse and hands. She fished for her keys again, just to do something as another silence hit them.

Grissom pushed away from the side to check the level they were on and realised the elevator wasn't moving. He reached out to his right and pressed the button for the floor they were heading for. When it didn't do anything, he raised a tidy eyebrow. Pressing the button again, he tilted his head in contemplation.

"What's wrong?" Sara asked from behind him.

"The elevator isn't moving." He informed her.

She looked around, as though she could see through the steel walls, then listened and moved her feet. Once she was fully aware that they were not moving, she turned back to Grissom and watched as he removed the emergency phone from the wall locker and waited for someone to pick up.

"Yes." Grissom answered the person who picked up on the other end. "I'm stuck in elevator four between floors 34 and 35." He turned and looked at Sara. "Two." Waiting a few seconds, he nodded to the instructions being given. "Thank you."

"How long until they get here?" She asked the minute he replaced the phone.

"About 15 minutes." He answered, unbuttoning his tux jacket.

Sara watched his hands as he finished the last button. Her mind was quickly travelling down a route not safe and forced herself to turn away to block out the images.

She cleared her throat and stared into the far corner, just right of his polished black shoes. "Guess we wait."

Grissom slipped his jacket off and pulled out a white handkerchief simultaneously. He wiped at his brow and neck. "Think of it this way," He suggested. "We have 15 minutes to talk."

"Great." Sara breathed, trying not to be heard, but realised it wasn't good enough when his head turned towards her.

"Sara." He began, taking a step forward to stand beside her, looking at her reflection rather than at her directly. "I think I understand why you left. And I completely understand."

Sara stared at his blue eyes in the mirror. "You understand? What?"

Taking a breath, he sighed. "Yes, I have a date for the party, but that doesn't mean any-"

"Grissom." She interrupted him gently, closing her eyes to wipe her sight clean of his blue eyes looking at her. "I'm uncomfortable as it is, so please, don't continue."

Stunned by her admission, he pressed on anyway. "It doesn't mean anything. The reason by all this," He referred to the party. "Was Conrad's Promotion and Cavallo's Retirement. Sophia has been moved to nightshift. She didn't have a date and she asked me. I didn't have a date, so I accepted."

She looked back at him to see that his eyes were down, looking at the floor or his shoes, who knows. What she didn't know was the reason why she was at the party at all. "Why invite me?"

Grissom's head came up slowly and his body turned towards her, giving her his full and undivided attention. His eyes shifted from parts of the mirrored walls, the railing at hip height and parts of her face. It was all very distracting. He finally answered, though it was vague. "Would 'I wanted to see you' be a good enough reason?"

"Not really." She replied instantly, turning away.

Raising both eyebrows curiously for a moment, only to frown after a second past. "Not really? I guess you're not happy I invited you then?"

"Of course I'm happy." She snapped, turning back towards him.

"Then," He shrugged. "What's wrong?"

"Despite that fact you could have called me, or emailed," She shrugged helplessly. "Nothing's wrong."

"Sara." He said firmly, though he tried to tone it down a bit. "I didn't want to intrude on your life now you've got settled. I thought you'd want to be left alone."

"Alone?" She scoffed. "Yeah, sure." Her voice was mocking and her eyes watched as he carefully pushed his jacket over the wall railing like a towel on a towel rack in a bathroom.

Grissom stepped forward to take her hand, but stopped himself. "What's happened to us?" He asked himself, turning his back to her.

Sara stood close to the side, brushing against Grissom's jacket. She sighed, her thoughts and her right hand was focused on his black jacket. Her fingers brushed over the lapel and over the buttons.

He sighed and moved to stand in front of her, leaning against the rail with his hands stuffed into his pockets. "Everything changed Sara. Everything." His voice was soft.

"I know."

Hands getting restless in his pockets, he reached for his jacket, halting her fascination. "I-I tried to call, and email, but I didn't know what to say."

Her hand slipped from the soft fabric as he pulled the jacket from the rail and held it by the collar in his fingers. "Sara-" He whispered as he took a step closer, trying to see her face and get close to her. He had been thinking a lot lately. The weeks apart felt like an open wound that refused to heal.

After days of trying to forget and push the thoughts from his mind, he had given up without much of a fight and picked up the phone. But he didn't dial her number. Something was holding him back and his gut told him it was wrong. What he felt that night in Colorado was need and comfort, nothing more.

Well, that was what he kept trying to drill into his brain, but it didn't work and every minute of everyday since, he couldn't get her out of his head.

The elevator shook suddenly, causing Grissom to sway forward and crash into Sara. They were backed up against the mirrored wall when the elevator started moving again. Sara's eyes fixed with his as soon as the weight of his body pressed against hers.

"I know what happened can't be taken back," Grissom's gruff voice spoke close to her face. "And I'd never want to," His eyes strayed down to her lips and back to her eyes slowly. "I just wish I could do something about it."

Sara's brow knitted in confusion. "It?" She sighed, thrown back in time. "First _this_, now _it_? God Gil, make up your mind already. I'm not getting any younger." Her voice hit a teasing pitch briefly and Grissom spotted it quickly before he let his lips brush across hers.

The elevator stopped, it announced it's arrival on the ground floor and the doors pulled open. All this happened before anything further than one single kiss could be shared.

"Ah, I see you found something to do Mr Grissom." Came an amused voice.

Grissom turned his head to see the maintenance man he had spoken with on the phone. His head turned back to Sara for a moment. "Can we talk? Somewhere else?" He asked, letting his hands linger on her a little longer.

Sara was caught between two worlds. She felt too much for this man to be left alone with him for long periods of time. On the other hand, she felt she had to let him talk to her. Like it was some obligation from the explosion. After all, she had lived and his girlfriend had died. How much more debt was she to give before the whole thing could be forgotten?

The maintenance man cleared his throat. "Anytime."

Looking into her eyes for one more minute, he took her hand and guided her out of the elevator. "Thanks." He nodded to the man.

Grissom slowly escorted Sara through throngs of gamblers and groups of people, towards the front of the building.

"Where would you like to go?" Sara asked, nervous that this was going to turn into a similar night that Colorado did. She didn't want to wake up to see him walk away and act like nothing happened. It broke her heart the first time, she didn't want it shattered beyond repair.

"How about your place?" He suggested, handing the parking attendant his ticket. "Did you drive?"

"Um, no. I took a taxi." She looked out at the busy traffic and tried to push the very thought of being abandoned again, but in her own home where she would have to walk around as if nothing happened.

As he drove them towards the university, Sara couldn't help but think that she was being presumptuous and petty. It was a relief the first time. That's all it was. They were both hurting and both reeling from a conversation they would never have had if things were like they were. It wasn't like he was going to confess a love that was never there.

No matter how much she tried, she loved him, but the thought of never having that love returned, hurt beyond words. And the possibility that they could be friends after what had happened, the explosion and Colorado, was very much not going to succeed.

Before long, Grissom was pulling into a parking space reserved for visitors. "Which is yours?" He asked, looking out of the window at the line of fancy ground level buildings.

"Oh er, that one." She pointed at a door lit up by a lamp hanging on the wall above it. "Number 6."

They sat for a few minutes before Grissom made a move to climb out. Sara followed and took the led when the met in front of the car. She checked the road in both directions, though it was late, it was still Vegas, the city that never sleeps. Making it to her door, she reached into her purse and pulled out her keys.

Hesitating at the keyhole, she took a steadying breath. "It's not really tidy." She excused. "I've been trying to study and mark." She let them in and flipped the light switch on the wall as Grissom passed her into the hall. "Just hang your jacket over the chair."

* * *

Checking her watch against the wall clock, Sara began to get fidgety. She had been trying to make conversation, but it ended after a few exchanges. A coffee times two was already out of the way and they were sitting in the living room with the TV on mute. They had been sitting for around 35 minutes and it was becoming more unnerving than the first ten minutes.

Feeling his eyes on her in the dim lighting, Sara tried not to look at him, but it was difficult when he moved closer to her and touched her hair.

"I don't know about you," He said throatily. "But this kinda feels like my first date."

Sara's head turned towards him and her eyes looked into his.

His fingers played with her hair. "Sitting in the living room at the end of the date, sitting at the opposite ends of the couch, avoiding looking at each other."

"Griss," She sighed breathlessly. "Why did you invite me? What's the real reason?" She bravely asked. Though she was feeling anything but brave right know, she needed to know what his intentions were. She was standing on dangerous ground and didn't know where she stood with him, like always.

Still playing with her hair, his fingers drifted to the nape of her neck. His voice was soft, but deep, sounding very close to her ear. "Truthfully. I really wanted to see you." He pressed forward and placed a kiss to her neck.

"No Griss. This isn't right." Pushing up from the couch she shook her head, picked up their cups and returned them to the kitchen.

It took him a few minutes, but he soon followed her and blocked the entrance. "How's this wrong?" He asked, confused, but knew by her reaction that she was emotional and emotionally invested in anything that happened between them. He had noticed that a long time ago, but never let himself believe it.

Shaking her head, Sara rinsed out the cups. "Griss, you're still in mourning. You can't do this. I know you think you want this, but you don't. Not really. It's a release, that's all it is to you." She turned and looked at him with a soft look, though she was hurting tremendously on the inside. Trying to hide her true feelings was a lot harder than it looked.

"Sara-" He said her name gently, almost tenderly. "Don't think that. Please."

"I have to. For both our sakes." She told him quietly and looked down. "Catherine, wouldn't want you doing this. She would want you to get on with life. Move on to better things. Stop living in the past. Move on. She would want that for you."

The mention of her name struck a nerve and Sara tried to say something, but knew it wouldn't do any good. She knew they were in love while it lasted. Catherine had penetrated the walls he had built and she had found a way to love him and be his friend. Sara didn't know how to penetrate that wall, because she had tried for years.

At first, she had felt bitter that he had let someone else into his life, but not her. When she found out about their relationship, she knew that she wasn't the one for him, because he had not chosen her, he had chosen Catherine. It was a poisonous sting with no cure. There would be no happy ending with Gil Grissom. No riding into the sunset and no closing scene with dimming lights and them in each other arms. It wasn't going to happen.

Sara just had to come to terms with that while she helped Grissom come to terms that she wasn't going to let him ruin his life and be sorry for his actions after it was over. They may have shared something that night in Colorado, but whatever it was, it was left there.

Stumbling back to the present, Sara looked up to see the doorway empty. A sinking feeling hit her stomach and she couldn't help but feel guilt and pain at the same time.

… TBC …


	16. Chapter 16

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Chapter 16

She stared at his back. He was standing, facing the door. Clearly, he was battling to choose between going, or staying.

"Gil," She whispered.

He took an unsteady breath. "I don't know what has gotten into me." He breathed, confused. "I can't believe I tried to seduce you." Angry at himself, he clenched his fists, but refrained from punching the door. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I understand." She swallowed hard, not sure if she did.

He turned. "That's just it Sara. I don't. I don't understand what's going on." His voice broke. "I was thinking about you and then I remember Colorado." He looked through her distantly. "It's like I know what I'm doing, but I don't. It's like, I'm trying to rationalise everything I do and make excuses." His eyes focus on hers. "I saw this woman a few times since, and I knew, I knew it was wrong. But I couldn't stop myself. I used her Sara." He growled, angry and frustrated at himself.

"I used her. Just like I used you." He released a shaky breath, trying to gain some kind of control after his emotions seemed to explode in on him.

Sara's eyes misted when she saw his glisten in the flickering of her lamp light.

"I'm sorry." He whispered hoarsely. His head hung low and he heaved in a deep breath. "God I'm so sorry Sara."

"Shh." She shakily whispered as she walked to him.

"I'm sorry." He broke down.

Finally, he had given in to the loss he had been bottling up inside him. Everything that had happened since the explosion and before. It was all too heavy to hold alone anymore.

"I don't know who I am anymore." He whispers into her shoulder, holding on to her like a frightened child.

He cried for all the pain he had caused and all the pain he had endured. And she cried for him.

* * *

Taking it slowly, Sara had settled Grissom on the couch and left him there to make some tea. Coffee was the last thing they needed with their already frayed nerves.

When she entered the living with two cups five minutes later, Sara found Grissom on his side, stretched out on the couch, fast asleep.

Trying not to make a sound, she set the cups down on the coffee table. Reaching over him, she grasped the edges of the Afghan that was folded over the back of the couch. Pulling at the corners, she gently draped the blanket over him.

Stepping back, she watched him for a few silent minutes, unsure what to do. She looked at his loafers and sighed. Carefully, she cupped the heel of one shoe and pulled. With both shoes off, she placed them under the coffee table so he didn't trip up on them when he woke up.

Quietly turning out the lamp and the main lights in the living room and kitchen, she sat in the armchair, watching him sleep. Only making out an outline of his body, she could hear his steady breathing.

Drifting off to sleep without realising it, Sara's head dropped. The second it did, or so she thought, she jerked up. Seeing a faint strip of light rest on the Afghan, she checked the time and found it was almost five.

Without making a sound, Sara managed to reach the kitchen and put a new filter in the coffee maker and pour water into the reservoir. Once the machine was set, she retrieved the cold cups off tea to dispose of before standing in front of the fridge to stretch and yawn.

Feeling a tad better, and the coffee was filtering through, Sara opened the fridge and pushed her hair out of her eyes to see what looked edible. Grabbing a hair elastic from the pot on top of the fridge to tie her hair back, she reached into the cold and pulled out a bowl of left over sliced fruit and the milk.

Glancing over her shoulder to see Grissom still sleeping, she pulled open a draw to her right and retrieved a fork and spoon. Listening to the coffee maker bleep twice, she poured one cup and added a healthy dose of sugar and a measure of milk. Putting the milk away, Sara moved to her dining table and set out to finish marking some papers.

Marking a final paper, a groan from the couch registered to her ears. Sara looked up to see Grissom turn inward and bury his head into the couch cushion. Setting down her pen and pushing her empty bowl and cup back, she stood and moved to kneel on the carpet beside the couch.

"Grissom." She called softly, gently placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Hmm." He moaned, obviously responding to her voice.

Lowering her hand to the small of his back, she lightly rubbed. "Hey. Time to wake up." She checked her watch before returning her hand to massaging his back. "It's nine o'clock. You got places to be?" She asked, trying to push any thoughts that this was anything more than what friends did. The touching, the soft words and the seemingly intimate atmosphere.

"Not till one." He moaned sleepily.

"Ok." She sighed and moved her hand to push herself up. "You want some coffee?" She asked, turning and heading to the table to collect her dirty dishes.

"Yes please." He yawned and stretched, finally turning onto his back. He let out a low groan as he uncurled himself.

Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes. Listening to the noises outside the window, Grissom could hear some traffic from the road and a lawnmower being used. It was a bright Vegas day and the temperature was already reaching a stuffy climate, though it barely registered in Sara's apartment with the air conditioning.

"You hungry?" Sara called from the kitchen.

Sighing and dropping his head into his hands, he didn't answer. Nothing had changed. Sleeping off the emotions had done nothing to quell the urge to dull the pain he still felt. For months he had tried to find the one thing that would give him his life back.

He had found many things that quelled the pain, but it didn't last. No matter what he did, he couldn't find peace with himself. Since that night in Colorado, he had sparked a war between his brain and his heart. He had selfishly taken advantage of Sara in her time of need. And to top it off, she was hurting just as much as he was. He didn't know if he could forgive himself for what he'd done.

"Grissom?" Sara asked with a concerned tone.

Snapping out of his musings, he looked up to see her standing in the doorway with a dishtowel in her hand and concerned brown eyes.

Taking a quick breath he stood and nodded. Before she could turn, he sighed and shook his head, changing his mind. "I'm not sure. I. I don't think I could eat."

Sara stared at him for a moment. Blinking, she looked away. "Ok." And she turned back to the kitchen.

Something inside him snapped and it made him angry the way she was acting with him. She should be angry with him too. "Damnit Sara." He growled and marched into the kitchen.

"What? What is it?" She spun around, spilling some coffee onto the floor.

"Stop being so damned understanding." His voice rose as he spat out the words, his eye wild and his hands clenching at his sides, unsure what to do.

Staring again, she couldn't think quickly enough to catch up with the sudden argument.

Realising he was making a scene, Grissom groaned at himself and turned away.

"Hey." Sara called, grasping his arm. "What's going on?"

Sighing heavily and shoulders dropped in defeat. "Sara." He paused and turned when she released him. "Look, I'm a wreak right now and I'm confused. I can't even think straight…"

"No." She shook her head, stepping around the coffee on the floor. "Something set you off. Tell me."

He looked at her for a moment before looking away sharply. "It's nothing." God was he turning into a coward. He truly was lost if he couldn't talk to a friend anymore. But perhaps that was what was wrong. She was more than a friend and though it felt wrong to even think it, he couldn't help but remember the night they shared and the emotions that poured between them.

Not buying it, and getting ticked off by his avoidance, Sara placed her hands on her hips and glared at him. "All I asked was if you wanted something to eat. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing." He replied curtly, only to sigh and continue more curiously. "How can you be so understanding? After what's happened? After what I did?"

"Oh." Sara's eyes fell to the floor and a moment later she moved to rinse a floor cloth to wipe up the coffee spill.

"If it was Cath, she'd have yelled at me by now." He murmured softly, not trying to sound accusatory.

Hiding the hurt expertly, she crouched to mop up the mess. After rinsing the cloth out and pouring more coffee into the cup, Sara sighed. She knew what he was getting at. It was hard not to. Catherine would have been up front and clear, but she wasn't Catherine, nor did she want to be. It was hard enough being seen as a temporary replacement in his eyes than it was seeing him lost and afraid.

"I messed things up, didn't I?" He put the question out there when he took the cup she held out to him. His eyes holding hers for a fraction of a second, because she turned away almost instantly.

"No harm done." She said casually, much more casually than she was feeling. In her head, she was telling herself to just make it out that nothing was wrong and everyone was going to be fine. It wouldn't do any good leaving this conversation open for discussion in the future.

Grissom followed her out of the kitchen and stood as she sat at the dining table. Waiting for her to settle, he moved to sit on the end chair, facing her. "Sara. There was plenty of harm done. Hurt and pain. For both of us and it was my fault." He looked into his coffee briefly. "I'm confused." He confessed.

"Nothing to be confused about." She sighed. "Griss, can we just not talk about it?" Her eyes pleaded with him. "It's in the past. I guess the only good thing that came out of this was…" Focusing her attention on the notepad on the table, she played with the handle of her cup. "The only good thing was, that we both got what was needed at the time. Nothing more, nothing less."

Looking up at him, she shook her head a little. "It was nothing."

Staring was beginning to be the common reaction.

Grissom rubbed his eyes and sipped his coffee slowly. Setting the cup back down, he frowned. "Was it?"

Both heads raised slightly to regard each other.

Slowly reaching for Sara's right hand, he stroked her long fingers. "At the time, it was too early. Too soon. But…" He stalled when her hand slipped from his.

"I've got class at eleven." She said hesitantly.

Not liking the hint or the halt in conversation, Grissom turned away and stood. "I guess I should go then."

"I think that would be best."

"Before someone says something they might not want to hear?" He looked back at her as he reached under the coffee table for his shoes.

"Something like that." She said quietly, her eyes still on the notepad.

After slipping his shoes on and standing, he located his coat and stood for a silent moment, just staring at the floor. "Who would have thought it would be like this."

Sara's eyes stung as she listened to him leave. Who would have thought that she would fall in love with her best friend, witness her best friend start a relationship and be there when his love lost her life. Who would have thought she would sleep with _her_ love, only to be thrust away because of the circumstances and then have to live with only the memories of bliss of those short hours.

If she had done something wrong in this life or the past, she wished her punishment wasn't so painful and cruel.

* * *

Setting out the final paper, she returned to her desk and shuffled through a pile of folders to find the one she was looking for. While she was kneeling on the floor, trying to retrieve and fallen file, she heard the lecture room door open and several sets of footsteps enter.

"Can I help you?" She called, grabbing the file and swinging her arm to land the file on the desk above her head.

"Dr. Sidle?" A familiar voice asked.

Sara smiled and pulled herself up. "Not yet, but I'm working on it. Hello Jim."

Brass chuckled. "Sara. It's good to see you. It's been a few days."

"Funny, I was about to say the same thing. How are things in PD?"

"Good. What about school?" He teased, looking around the room.

"Busy." Her smile faded slightly when she finally noticed the other two people in the room.

Greg was serious faced and Sophia Curtis was sombre and professional.

Brass pivoted on his foot to look back at the others. "I'm guessing you've all met?"

Sara nodded. "We have. Hey Greggo."

Greg smiled a little. "Hey Sara. You look good."

"Thanks. Sophia." She nodded to the woman standing away from them all. Sara took in their blue CSI flack jackets and their badges that hung from around their necks. She turned to Brass with a slight worried expression. "Why are you here?"

Sophia stepped forward to answer. "We're here because we have some questions."

"About?" Sara asked.

"Two of your students." Brass answered, looking at Sophia pointedly. "Can you give me a minute? I'd like to ask Miss Sidle some questions."

"On behalf of the Police Department, I'm guess?" Snarked Sophia.

"Good guess."

When Greg and Sophia had left the room, Brass moved to sit down on a front row seat, where a student would be sitting in less than an hour. He had a troubled look about him.

"You're worrying me Jim. What's going on? Did one of my students end up a case or something?"

"I'm afraid so." He sighed.

Sitting down slowly at her desk, Sara stared at him. "How? What happened?"

* * *

Brass had explained the details and asked several questions about attendance and class schedules. Sophia and Greg didn't come back into the room until Brass called for them. They both stood there quietly for a few minutes.

"How can I help?" Sara finally asked. "That's obviously why the Crime Lab are here."

Greg was the first to speak, in a neutral tone. "Your name was found at the crime scene. We just need to ask some questions."

Sara stared at them. "My name?"

"Yes." Sophia pulled out a crime scene photo and held it at arms length. She continued to talk as Sara took the photo and examined it. "Among the textbooks in that photo is your card and your number." She watched Sara's reaction. "Your home number."

"My what?" Sara walked behind her desk and opened a drawer. She pulled out a magnifying glass and zeroed in on the card. Brass waited, but Sophia seemed to have her own agenda, which was puzzling Sara.

"I'd like to get a statement from you Miss Sidle. Preferably at the station." Sophia looked at Brass before looking back at Sara, waiting for the police officer to step in.

"She's not a flight risk." Brass intoned.

"Never the less, I'd like to get a statement."

Sara handed back the photo and nodded. "It's ok Jim." She pulled out her cell phone. "I just need to get some back up to cover my class."


	17. Chapter 17

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Explosive Love

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Author: Moggie / **Pairing**: GCR & GSR Will be GSR / **Rating**: Pg13 / **Category**: Drama/Romance. / **Spoilers**: Mentions of Hank & Eddie. Maybe some from Season 4. / **Disclaimer**: I do not own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, nor do I do character bashing. This is for the enjoyment of others and for my restless mind.

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Summary: GCR & GSR Character Death. A big bang and chaos. Will be GSR

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WARNING: There might be Grissom and Catherine scenes that may discourage you. I cringe writing it, so I apologise for what I'm about to do, but it's all in the name of Grissom and Sara's Love.

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Chapter 17

Never did she imagine herself to be sitting on the suspect side of the interrogation room. The worried feeling was creeping into her soul as she watched Sophia Curtis and Brass take up positions that she had once been accustomed to. With Brass leaning on the wall between the door and the two-way mirror and Curtis seated in the interrogators seat opposite. Once upon a time, Sara had been seated in that same seat, readying to question witnesses, suspects and killers. Never did she think that she'd be in the predicament she was in right now.

"Feel's different, doesn't it?" Curtis asked, her head bowed as she perused her notes.

Hearing the sickly sweet voice the investigator used, Sara couldn't help but think why Curtis was treating her like a suspect or with such obvious distaste.

Sitting back slowly and as casually as she could, Sara looked from Curtis' head to Brass, offering him a small friendly smile, which he returned. "Definitely gives you a different perspective of this room. I never did notice that mirror before."

Brass chuckled, admiring her attempt at levelling the tension.

Curtis looked up, not amused. "This is a serious matter Miss Sidle."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "I'm well aware of that, Miss Curtis." She returned a neutral look. "I've been in that seat many a time, so I don't need talking to like a rookie, or a suspect." She snapped back.

"Let's get this over with." Brass interrupted. "This is a questioning and Sara came willingly. Let's not make this out to be a blood bath. I do have better things to do."

Curtis gave the detective a quelling look before starting the questioning.

* * *

Sara expelled a long breath as she walked out of the interrogation room. Curtis practically marched towards the exit, while Brass lagged behind to accompany Sara.

"Well, that was intense." He commented cheerily.

Sara smiled at him. "Guess she doesn't like me much."

Brass scratched at his chin thoughtfully. "There have been some rumours of late and they have… mentioned, your name… here and there."

"My name?" She echoed, looking at him. "My name is popping up a lot. First this case, now at the lab-"

"And here." He added.

"Here?" She looked around them and saw the odd eyeball in her direction. "Great. What did I do to deserve such interest anyway?"

Brass cocked his head to the side, looking off to the waiting room where some witness interviews were taking place.

Sara followed him and looked through the glass wall. She stopped dead in her tracks when her eyes settled on the one investigator that stood off to the side as a detective talked to a group of young woman dressed in short skirts and low tops. She final spoke up when Brass cleared his throat. "You have got to be kidding me."

"It would seem that knowledge of your time in Colorado and him leaving Conrad's celebration party has come to light." Brass turned to her when she turned her back on the room.

"There is no way in hell that you're telling me that there are rumours of me and Grissom." She said through a worried tone. It wouldn't do Grissom's career any good if rumours started flying around that they had slept together whilst in Colorado or the sleep over at her place the night before. It just wasn't possible to know about last night.

Looking briefly over her shoulder, he sighed. "Sara, Gil was supposed to give a congratulations speech last night, but he vanished. Sophia mentioned that you had been there one minute, gone the next. Two and two put together and it makes out that you two left together."

Sighing and rubbing weary eyes. "That's speculation." She looked at him. "And for the record, I left on my own. After I spoke to Greg. That's it."

"Well," Brass hedged. "Looks like someone saw the two of you, because the rumour is that you and Gil were talking by the elevator and entered it together."

Sara shifted on her feet and looked around them quickly before leaning closer to talk quietly to the detective so no one close by could over hear. "Yes. He walked me out. He drove me home because I got a taxi to the hotel. That's it."

"That's it." Brass mused teasingly, earning him an angry sigh.

"He slept on the couch. End of story." She stepped back and bumped into someone behind. "Sorry." She apologised without turning.

"What are you doing here?" A surprised voice asked.

Sara turned and was caught between stuttering a reply or saying goodbye and leaving. She hated it when he caught her by surprise. Thankfully Brass answered.

"It's ok Gil. Sara was just about to leave. I'm sure she has to get back to her class." Brass looked from Sara's wide eyes to Grissom's clear blue ones. It was obvious the entomologist was pleased to see her.

"Ok." He acknowledged Brass with a nod. "What are you doing here?" He asked his question again, his eyes on Sara.

Sara shrugged. "Giving a statement… I think." She chuckled nervously. "To be honest, I'm not sure." Like taking a sudden cold shower at the thought of one of her students being murdered, her smile fell.

Brass answered again, this time giving an answer. "The case Curtis and Sanders are working? They found out that the vic attends one of Sara's classes."

"Oh." Grissom's tone was concerned. "But why are you here? I'm sure one of them could have taken a statement at the university."

"Um…" Sara began. "Actually, they found my calling card amongst a pile of text books at the scene. Guess they think I'm involved… Well, Sophia Curtis is bent on it." She added with a shudder.

"What?!" Grissom snapped and glared at Brass. "Why wasn't I informed?"

"Because you're involvement would be biased and you can't take the case either. You're too close. You know that Gil. Let the others do their job." Brass said sternly.

Grissom turned to Sara and tuned Brass out. "Do you need a lift back?" He asked.

"Er, no. I. I drove." She replied, surprised by his offer and by his candidness in front of Brass. If denying anything was going on between them was hard enough to explain, Grissom's kind behaviour would be impossible to explain.

He nodded. "How about I walk you out?" He offered, turning to start down the corridor.

"Uh, sure." Sara stumbled and glanced at Brass. "If you need anything else-"

"I'll call. Don't you worry Sara. We've got everything we need at this moment." Brass confirmed.

"Ok. Bye." She caught up with Grissom's slow strides.

* * *

Stopping beside Sara's car, a dark blue Audi hard top, Grissom looked around before letting out a deep refreshing sigh. "I'm glad you're here actually."

Sara glanced at him as she opened her door.

Turning, he looked at her questioningly. "Something wrong?"

Tossing her coat onto the passenger seat, she slipped into the car. "Was there something you wanted to talk about?" She asked casually, unsure what else to say to him. He seemed to forget what had occurred last night and this morning.

Moving to the opening of her door, he uncharacteristically crouched down to her level, his hands balancing against the frame and door trim. "There's a lot to talk about." He said evenly, watching as she stared out the windshield. "Sara?"

"Hmm?" She turned her head to look at him.

"I'd really like to talk to you. If I need to apologise for this morning, I will. I was only…" He sighed and dropped his gaze from hers briefly. "I know I lost it last night and I'm sorry you had to witness it-"

"You don't need to apologise for being human Grissom. You've been through a lot and I understand." She assured him, a slight lump forming in her throat as his blue eyes clouded somewhat.

"Yeah." The corners of his lips upturned a little in a slight smile. "You seem to understand a lot." He bounced a little in his crouched positioning, only wincing at the pain in his knees. "Which is why I'd like to talk with you some more. About some things that have been bothering me."

Sara sighed heavily, running her fingers through her hair, her elbow connected with his shoulder for a second and she smiled embarrassedly, earning her a small grin in return. "I doubt you really want to talk. I think you just want to spend time with me because you still feel guilty."

Grissom nodded slowly and glanced through the drivers door window at the police departments front entrance. "Perhaps." He turned back and shrugged. "Guess there's only one way to find out."

She shook her head and pushed the key into the ignition. "I'm a little, no… a lot, concerned about what's going on with you, but you can't keep expecting me to give in and let you take what you need from me and leave."

He stared at her for a moment before looking down. "That was…" He searched for the words. "Very… brave, gallant, of you."

"Yeah, well, it's been a long day and I'm more worried about what's going to happen if…" She paused and searched his eyes. "Grissom…" She stopped again.

"Yes?" He asked, shifting closer.

"Have you… have you heard any rumours lately?" She looked at him and waited. The look in his eyes were unreadable.

"Not that I listen to rumours… that was always-" He cut himself off when he realised he was going to mention that the rumour mill was always Catherine's area of expertise.

Sara nodded faintly and reached to turn the ignition key.

"Sara." He reached out and stop her with his hand on her arm. "Just listen to me for a minute, ok?" He waited and watched her. When her arm relaxed and released the key, he nodded his thanks. "What's going on in the lab and the police department, doesn't have any relation to you any longer. You're a professor. Soon to be a PhD. The rumours are old news and because I really, really didn't want to speak at the party last night, they are trying to find reasons why I would leave. You're the scapegoat, but." He said with conviction. "I know the truth and as long as you know that I know, we have nothing to worry about."

"And Sophia?" She asked, starting to worry about the sudden level of casual conversation they had elected.

"Obviously she is doing something for Conrad or she has a personal agenda, either way, I'll find out."

Closing her eyes briefly, she hesitantly brushed her fingers of his hand that still rest on her arm. "Just, don't get yourself into trouble over me. Ok?" She looked at him as she pried his hand from her arm and gently pushed it towards him. "And stop being this friendly in public."

Blinking owlishly at her, he cleared his throat. "I guess I can do that."

"Yeah, well, it's not like you." She stared at him and sighed. "I didn't like the way Sophia treated me-"

"Form a complaint." He said firmly but softly, trying to let her know he wasn't going to let Sophia intimidate her.

Sara chuckled with not amusement whatsoever. "I doubt that would put a dent in her armour."

"So? It'll be on her record. I'll get a form and drop it by this evening-"

"Griss-"

"Sara," He talked over her. "Listen, I'm going to go back in there and wrap up my case. Then I'm heading back to the lab to finished up some paperwork. What time will you be home?"

She watched as he stood and stretched his legs. "Probably late. I have a meeting until ten."

He nodded and checked his watch. "It's my night off seeing as I just pulled a double. I'll bring take out. I'm sure cooking isn't on the books." He smiled and reached out to squeeze her shoulder. "I'll see you later."

Sara watched his walk back towards the police department entrance and waited until he had disappeared from sight before closing her door and turning the key. Once the air conditioning had kicked in and the interior cooled, she sighed heavily and pulled out of the parking lot.

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Note: It's not the lack of ideas of writers block that's making this story slow to update. It's more of the energy to write and being awake enough to formulate a full sentence. I'll try and make the next chapter a bit longer and posted sooner. Thanks for reading. I love all the reviews.


	18. Chapter 18

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Chapter 18

Opening the door with her free hand, she held her home phone to her ear. Staring into the blue eyes that light up at the sight of her, Sara stammered into the mouth piece. "Um… Greg, I'll call you back in the morning, that ok?" She held the door open as she hung up. "Come in."

Grissom shredded his jacket and hung it over one of the dining chairs that Sara was using as her base camp for marking. He sighed and shook his head slowly, thinking that she really needed a desk and a decent filing system.

"What?" She asked, feeling like he was scrutinising something. "It's a little messy."

"I didn't say anything." He said wistfully, turning and walking towards the couch, where he dropped himself down to relax, his left arm stretched out across the length of the back.

Looking at him with a speculating look, she nodded and shrugged. "A drink?"

"Beer?"

Sara smirked. "I guess." She turned away and entered her kitchen.

Taking a moment to just look around the room, he raised his voice so he could be heard in the kitchen. "Was that Sanders you were talking to?"

After a moment of silence, Sara entered the room again with two glasses, one filled with orange juice and the other with beer. "As a matter of fact it was," she look down at him before extending the beer to him with a raised eyebrow. "Though its none of your business."

He pursed his lips and nodded, taking a sip of beer as he smiled. "I guess the lunch date didn't work out then."

Sara scoffed as she sat down in the armchair she had spent the night in. "Like I'm going to talk about that with you."

Grissom shrugged and sipped his beer again. "I don't see why not. We're not exactly who we used to be. We've both changed." He looked over at her with an obvious clear mind. "I don't see why we can't talk about things, about ourselves-" He drifted off when she sighed.

"I see." She nodded, cradling her glass between her hands.

"Sara," He set his drink on the coffee table and sat forward, his hands clasped together. "We can't change what happened-"

"You don't think I know that?" She snapped, then took a deep breath and sighed. "Sorry." She apologised when she saw the surprise on his face.

Grissom's eyes wandered for a minute, thinking.

"I just…" She sighed again and leaned into her right hand, her face hot against her palm.

"How about this," He suggested, looking at her intently, watching her reaction. "How about we just start again?"

Sara dropped her hand and stared at him, thinking furiously that he was joking with her. Seeing no humour in his eyes worried her. The break down the night before sprung to mind and she was instantly onto his brain. It was obviously in control. "You can't honestly think we can start over?" She narrowed her eyes and leaned into the side of the armchair, trying to figure out what else his brain was up to.

"No. I don't." He frowned and closed his eyes, his hands coming up to rub his forehead. His voice was strained and it concerned Sara.

Taking a leap of faith, she tilted her head thoughtfully for a second before taking the actual chance to move and sit beside him. When he didn't move, Sara knew exactly what was going on. How she hadn't seen it from the beginning was beyond her, but she had a fair idea why she hadn't seen it before.

"Gil," She began, using his first name not only because she felt she could, but because she wanted to get him to see that she was trying to help him. "Have you talked to anyone?"

He snorted into his hands. "I don't need a shrink Sara."

Swallowing the nervous lump in her throat, she tried again. "Gil," She reached hesitantly for his left hand. "Just hear me out."

Feeling her fingers slip around his, he squeezed them and held her knuckles against his cheek, not moving.

Taking that as her cue to continue, she allowed her fingers to relax in his. "Think about it ok?" She deliberately kept her voice calm and soothing. "You didn't do anything after Catherine died." His back tensed and his breathing stopped. "You didn't mourn. You worked, you looked after me." She paused when he let out a rush of air and his back tensed more.

"Gil, you bottled your emotions up. I didn't see it at first because I ignored it." She sighed, not knowing if what she was saying was going to help one bit. "When we went to that conference, I had a vague idea why we were there and I went along with it, though it wasn't exactly settling at the time, but again, I ignored it."

"It was a bad idea." He said through his fingers. "I shouldn't have taken you."

"Yeah, maybe." She sighed, a little relieved that he was listening. It gave her the courage to continue. "But what happened there was something I haven't stopped thinking about since we got back."

They were both silent for a long time. Grissom let out a shuddering sigh. He squeezed her fingers and gently rubbed his cheek against her knuckles, his whiskers tickling her skin. "I've been thinking about it too. It's eating away at me. I can't stop thinking about it and it's really confusing me."

His confession caused Sara's stomach to cramp and her chest to tighten. But she wasn't sure if he was talking from the heart or if it was his brain over thinking. His head was a mess and she was worried he was going to break down again or carry on with what he'd been doing to survive the several months since the conference and almost the year since the explosion.

"I'm sorry." She said honestly, though she wasn't entirely confident why she was apologising. It seemed the right thing to say. He was still struggling with Catherine's death and somehow she had managed to complicate that. Inadvertently. Though she was never comfortable with the idea of Grissom dating in the first place, she would never have wanted him to be like this. Alone and emotionally falling apart.

Turning his head, he looked at her with nothing but a plain stare, perhaps a little confused, but said nothing. Thinking back to moment he met Sara and the time in Colorado, he was suddenly stunned at how she had grown from an inexperienced CSI, to a top in the field forensic expert with all the knowledge of what can happen when doing what they did every night. The dangers, the risk, it all made her who she was at this very moment, and to think that the explosion had taken something from him, but had left something, someone, behind, who he could still see growing and adapting to the horrors of their work.

At one moment, in Colorado, he had seen her almost crumble from the low self-esteem and the guilt. Even now, he could see that she had adapted to her injuries, which he hoped, deep down, that he had something to do with it, because he hadn't wanted to see her crash and burn with the aftermath of the accident.

Back then, seeing her and being with her, had almost torn himself apart. He was angry with himself for many things and he was angry with Sara most of all, but he didn't show it to her, or anyone else. He knew it wasn't her fault, but something inside of him wanted to break through and blame her. At the time, Sara said she wouldn't have blamed him if he did blame her. After hearing her say it, and left the opportunity open, he had been tempted, but he had stopped himself when he saw in her eyes, just how much she was already blaming herself.

Lowering his gaze to her neck, he saw the scaring that still persisted. Looking lower, he noticed her right hand still held the same scaring as it had done when he showed her that it didn't matter. That the scaring was nothing but a small reminder and that beauty was skin deep. Deeper even. That if she believed beauty was all she needed to know and didn't forget it.

Flickering his gaze to her eyes, he sighed and looked away. "You still feel guilty."

"A little." She reluctantly admitted, standing to walk to the window to look out at the small green garden and the school playground that was situated along side the university. She folded her arms and rested her right fist under her chin. "I guess I can't stop feeling a little guilty."

Grissom listened as he stared at the coffee table, staring at his warming beer and the condensation dripping down the glass to collect at the bottom, leaving a wet sugary puddle on the wood.

Sara sighed. "I still have nightmares. Even when I think I've put it all behind me, I dream about what I could have done to prevent it. I could have done something different and maybe it would end differently." Her voice was sad, heavy with sadness and regret. "I keep thinking that it 'should' have ended differently."

"How?" He asked on a choked breath, not looking away from his glass.

Closing her eyes to see the images, the dreams, more clearly, she tried to tell him without letting her voice waver. "I have this recurring dream, and I 'still' think it should have been me instead." She paused, opening her eyes to seek out the sunning grass. "Why should I live and Catherine die? It's not like I had something to keep me locked in this world. I didn't have a daughter, the loving family, someone to come home too. I didn't have any of that, but I came through it with scars for life and a thousand to one chance of anyone actually touching me again." Shuddering from the intense feeling of loneliness and guilt, she shook her head pitifully. "God was obviously too busy to check out who he was letting live, because life sucks."

"God doesn't choose who lives and who dies, Sara." Grissom sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah, well, he should have that day." She scoffed, unfolding her arms to hug herself. "I know it sounds stupid and pitiful, but that's how I feel and that's what I think."

Pushing to the edge of the couch, he stood and walked towards her. "I can't tell you to stop feeling guilty. I can't tell you the whys and the what ifs." He stood behind her, though not close enough to invaded any personal space. He was battling with his own emotions and his own guilt, reaching out my just tip him over the edge again.

"I…" He hesitated, suddenly unsure if to continue. Sara turned to him as he looked up, her arms still wrapped around her stomach, her shoulders hunched up as though she was cold and shivering. Deciding to just say what he was going to say and leave it at that. He just hoped it would make him feel better.

"I don't blame you." His voice hitched, his eyes blinking and his shoulders shrugging just slightly it was barely visible. "I don't."

Sara shook her head sadly and looked down at her toes. "I'd like to believe you Grissom." She sighed and looked back at him. "But I know you blame me. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here, or trying to make yourself talk to me."

His brow furrowed. "I'm not-"

"Grissom." She interrupted. "I was a CSI for a long time. I still do some consulting, profiling. I know what you're doing here. I know now, what this is all about. I'm just trying to go along with it and help you." Sara dropped her arms at her sides and turned to open the window slightly. Some fresh air would help clear the suffocating atmosphere that had been created.

… …Taking the half step to touch her, he raised both his hands to rest on her shoulders. She tensed as he began to lightly run his hands over her shoulders and down her arms to her elbows. Guiding her to turn to him, he stepped closer and gently pulled her against him. His voice was soft and shakily emotional. "This is why I'm here Sara," He kissed her cheek, whispering against her skin. "and it's why I'm so confused." He sighed, warming her cheek as he descended to her lips, kissing her chastely, once, before pulling back to look into her cloudy brown eyes… …

Blinking back the image, he cleared his throat and retreated back to the couch. He took a long swallow of his warm beer and with both hands, rubbed his face vigorously.

Sara looked over her shoulder in time to see him drain his glass. "You want another?"

Staring at the empty glass, he leaned back to try and relax. He nodded. "Yeah." He sighed, raising one hand to pinch the bridge of his nose while the other gripped the arm of the couch.

Walking over to the table, she reached for the glass and headed into the kitchen to refill it. "Who needs a shrink huh?" She said in jest, trying to lighten the dark and uncomfortable air.

Surprising himself, Grissom chuckled. "Yeah." He smiled down at the glass in his hand. "Better keep the alcohol to a minimum. Don't want to be crying on your shoulder again."

Sara smiled and sat down in her armchair again. Distance always helped when talking with Grissom. She had a strong feeling that he wasn't going to talk to some shrink, so she'd just try and help him, the best she could. Who knows, talking about it could help her too.

Grissom stared into his glass as he cradled it in his hand, resting on his thigh. The image, the daydream, had been a shock, but he guessed it was probably just the stress and the conflicting feelings he was feeling. But he knew one thing, he wasn't going to use Sara again, not like that. He needed to talk and the only person he could talk to was dead and since he'd crossed the line with Sara, he was sure she was the only one he could talk to. Besides, she was the only one who knew what was going on, and he didn't have to fill her in on all the details or relive what had happened. He only needed to confront his nightmares and his anger, and he'd be fine.

Not privy to Sara's thoughts, Grissom wouldn't have known that she was thinking along the same lines. Though she was thinking more about what he needed, rather than what she needed. She was telling herself that if he came through this and got his life back in order, she'd just say her goodbyes and she'd be able to live her life without the burden of guilt.

All they had to do now, was to talk and get everything out in the open.


	19. Chapter 19

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Chapter 19

When a knock at the front door startled both Grissom and Sara from the silence that had unknowingly crept upon them, both knew it was going to take more than just waiting for the other to start before anything was going to be resolved.

Sara sighed as she got to her feet and approached the front door. She checked the peephole before twisting the knob and pulling the door open. "Henry, sorry, Mr. Giles." She smiled forcefully. She wasn't in the mood for another administration talk about the science department.

"Sara," He chuckled. "You've been here how many months? Call me Henry for goodness sake."

"Right." Her smile widened. "How can I help you?"

Henry held up a file in his left hand while his right clutched his briefcase. "My top students asked me to convey a proposal to you. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to look it over?" The hot rays of the sun had broken a sweat over his brow and his brown tweed jacket that hung over his arm was lightly speckled in sand from the Vegas desert winds of the afternoon.

Sara took the offered file and chuckled. "Gee, I am popular with the students. I've already got three proposal's waiting for me to look over."

"Ah, well, that would be your teaching method's Sara. They all like you." He chuckled with a deep rumble. "You're a likable person my dear. I have many students in my class that are interested in extra credit."

Wincing at the unspoken suggestion, she sighed. "Mr Giles, I've already gone over this with the other professors. Until I get my PhD, I'm not going to stretch myself too thin. Besides," She leaned sideways against the door. "I've got to sort out some personal things before even thinking about extra classes and students. But, please, let them know that if they have questions, I'd be happy to answer them, after class. You know I give a twenty minute questioning period."

Henry nodded. "I do. And very practical it is too." He shook his jacket and swapped his briefcase to his other hand. "Well, I'll leave you to look this one over." Nodding, he turned and walked along the short path before turning and heading up to the administrators parking lot on the other side of the houses.

Pushing the door closed with a soft sigh, Sara looked back at Grissom, who was watching her with a small smile and a glint in his eye. "What?" She asked with an innocent smile as she made her way to her 'desk'.

Chuckling, glad to be given the opportunity to stray way off topic and away from what was now looking like a difficult subject to broach, from both ends. "I'm seeing you in a new light."

Scoffing quietly, she set the file on the table and pulled out her chair. "I'm seeing myself in a new light, Griss. I'm turning into one of those stuffy professors."

Barking a surprised laugh, he stood and walked over to the table to sit beside her. "Sara." He sounded offended. "Are you saying what I think you're 'hinting' at saying?"

Grinning with her head lowered as she read the first page of the proposal, she couldn't help like the sudden change. The emotional talk that was yet to come, was going to be hard on them both, but at least they could still talk, in some level of comfort.

"Sara." He demanded childishly. "I take offence to this line of thinking."

"Go ahead and take it how you like it." She looked up and chuckled. "Grissom, I was there, remember? I was one of these kids and I'd like to think that you taught me something back then on how to encourage smart kids like these."

Nodding slowly, he reached for his glasses and slipped them on. "May I?" He gestured to the similar files that were piled in a separate corner of the desk.

"Sure. Just don't expect me to get all excited about it. This is a lot more work than I can handle right now. I'm not even sure why I've been given so much when I've not even finished my teaching course, let alone my PhD." She grossed, sitting back to tie her hair up with an elastic that had been wrapped around the end of her pencil.

Clearing his throat softly, Grissom concentrated on the file he was holding.

Sara looked up and stared at him. After a minute, she dropped her pencil with a sigh. "I wanted to achieve the respect and praise from my peers and my students by myself Grissom. So please tell me you had nothing to do with any influence towards the faculty or the boss."

Flipping over the first page to read the second, he pointedly kept his nose buried. Not saying a thing.

"Grissom?" She stared at him with surprised shock. "Tell me you didn't?"

Flipping to the third page, he continued to read. Sensing her anger building, he closed his eyes and pulled his glasses off. Setting the page on the open file, he sighed.

She nodded, upset. "I see." She pushed her chair back and stood. "Great." She snapped, stiffly walking to the coffee table and collecting their glasses to wash in the sink. "And here's me thinking I actually had something as a teaching professor." She said depressingly.

Realising he'd stepped over the mark, Grissom sat back. "I didn't say, or imply you didn't, Sara." He said in a steady tone.

"No?" She questioned as she filled the sink. "Guess I've really started to slip, huh Griss? I'm obviously doing something wrong or you wouldn't have felt the need to step on my toes and basically build a reputation for me, instead of allowing me to learn from my mistakes and building it myself. Great. Thanks Grissom. Thanks a lot."

Frowning at her snapping words, he stood and entered the kitchen, careful not to get in her way or startle her. "Sara," He said softly, almost too quiet for her to hear. "I didn't do anything like that. I swear."

"Really? Because I'm now starting to question my work all of a sudden. Guess I've really lost what it was to be a CSI, because you managed to pull the wool over my eyes and I had no clue."

"Sara." He said strongly. "I would never get in your way. I swear to that. You have to believe me when I say it wasn't my intention to discredit you, in any way."

Setting the second glass and the plate from breakfast on the draining board, she sighed. Her shoulders slumped low and her hands hung over the edge, sitting in the dirty water.

"All I did was put in a few good words. That's all." He continued, pleading with her to believe him.

"Really?" She asked quietly.

"Yes." He said empathically, stepping towards her, but stopped and held himself back. He silently cursed at and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Believe me when I say, we still have a lot of things to work out, but Sara, I'd never want to see you out of work or unhappy with what you strive for. I'd never let that happen." He continued, softer still. "I'm your friend, and I'd do anything to help. And as your former boss, I wanted to give you more than a written recommendation. I wanted to express how much I was saddened that you were leaving, and going off on your own. Doctor Henry Giles is a long-time colleague and he was happy to learn that the university was acquiring such talent and drive."

"He's an entomologist Grissom. Of course he's going to think your word is gospel." Sara turned to him, wiping her hands dry on the towel that hung from the oven door.

Grissom grinned. "I doubt that. But he was the person to talk to. Henry does like to talk." He tilted his head sideways.

Smiling at the truth behind the words, she nodded. "Yeah, he does like to talk. And so do you. That was a lot of praise coming from someone like you." The smile faded. "I appreciate it."

He nodded, as serious as her. "I'm glad.

Looking down at her hands before checking the time, Sara cleared the nervousness from her throat. "It's almost dinnertime. Would you like something to eat?" She watched his confusion, then he struggle to answer, but she had been on the receiving end to that look a mass of times. This time was no different and she wasn't going to let him struggle. "No. I guess it is going to start getting late. Um…"

"Actually," He spoke up, retreating to find his jacket.

Strange as it seemed, she was saddened by the sudden feeling that gripped her stomach. She may want him to come to terms with his loss, but she couldn't help feel the gaping hole that was still present in her soul and her heart. She knew they'd have to get the whole thing out the way soon, so they could both, or at least, he could get back to his life.

"I was wondering if I could help you with you student proposals?" He asked as he lifted his jacket and shrugged it on. He looked back at her and pulled a folded sheet of paper from his pocket. "And I have that complaint form."

"Right." Sara breathed out a heavy breath. For some reason, that hole was filling with bits of hope. Though she knew it wasn't going to come from anything but his kindness. Perhaps friendship was the one thing they could rebuild.

"So?" He asked, looking at her strangely.

"So?" She furrowed her brows in confusion.

Pointing at the front door as he picked up the four proposal files, he gave her a small smile. "Want to go out to eat? Talk about these? Like old times. We can go to the diner across from the lab if you'd like?"

Sara's eyebrows shot up. "Oh." She spun around looking for her jacket. "Of course. Um… Let's go." She said, grabbing her purse and stuffing it into her jacket pocket.

Forty-five minutes into one burger, one salad and two servings of coffee, the conversation about the proposals was well underway and getting into more depth, though Sara wasn't sure about accepting any of them, she was willing to listen to Grissom's ideas.

Strange as it sounded, 'listen to Grissom's ideas', it was a welcome change. A long time ago, so it felt, Sara remembered bouncing ideas and theories about cases off her former boss and was always eager to await his opinions. Mostly, while he spoke about extending her assignment criteria's and adding a few field trips, she was listening to his voice.

Casually she would glance up when his eyes were on the request forms. The little changes about him were slowly sinking into her mind. The unkept beard, that looked like it was trimmed a few days ago. Or his curling hair that needed a cut itself. Most of all, his skin was pale compared to what it once was. A slight golden tinge from the Nevada sun had been avoided and the dark rings around his eyes gave away the sleepless nights.

Anyone who knew his history, the recent events, they'd probably not notice the changes, but Sara noticed and not only because she had seen him act differently, in more ways than one, she felt it.

"… I'd think about it Sara." He pulled her attention back sharply, his eyes still on the student request. "It would be a great opportunity and it wouldn't hurt to build that reputation." His eyes lifted as hers flickered to his.

A lengthy silence surrounded them and for some reason, maybe fate, a waitress wasn't around when you needed an excuse to break the eye contact or the thick air that was making it difficult to breath.

Moving her fork that was paused over her plate, she swallowed. "I guess." She said with a slight croak. Reaching for her coffee, she took a hesitant sip. All this while her eyes were still fixed to his. Something was happening, but she couldn't read it. His eyes were a dark blue and something in them spoke to her, but she couldn't begin to grasp what that was.

Blinking, he stuttered. "I could help, if you wanted?" His right hand moved and knocked over the salt pot, only to quickly right it and grasp the corner of the file. He blinked rapidly and looked down as he straightened the papers and closed the file.

The quivering in her belly made her smile. It was suddenly too amusing to not smile. "I think I should fill in that form."

Grissom saw her smile and chuckled lightly. "Yeah." He picked up his jacket from beside him and rifled through a pocket. "I'm sorry you've been pushed to do this Sara," He apologised as he draped his jacket over the seat again and unfolded the form.

Shifting to sit up as she pushed her plate aside, Sara shook her head. "I don't have to Griss. I could just avoid a confrontation."

"That's going to be difficult if Sophia is bent out of shape trying to find something to pin on you." He looked at her as he searched for the pen he was writing notes with earlier. "I won't have one of my CSI's going on a vendetta. And I won't have her treating you like that." He looked down as he started filling out the basics. "I don't like it."

The diner door swept shut behind them as they made their way to Grissom's car. "I'll give you a ride home and then I better check on my experiments."

Sara was about to reach for the passenger door handle. "I can get a cab if it's easier?"

Grissom unlocked his door and pulled it open. "It's not."

Settling and clipping herself in, Sara glanced at Grissom as he twisted and tossed the files onto the back seat. She looked out the windscreen before looking back at him as he clipped in and turned the ignition.

"I'm glad I could talk to you about this stuff." She looked away then down at her hands, pulling at the cuffs of her jacket. "Sometimes I get this feeling that maybe I'm doing stuff wrong."

Grissom was looking at her.

She laughed and turned her head towards him. "But I guess it's just nerves of a new job and new things. I'll get used to it. It's a lot of fun really." She looked down again and smiled. "I'm enjoying myself. I didn't think I'd feel that way again about my work. About life. Not after, you know?…"

Reaching out to place his hand over hers, he gave them a light squeeze before returning it to the steering wheel. "You can talk to me about anything Sara." He released the handbrake and pulled out of the parking space.

Turning her head to look out the window, she sighed. A moment or two later, she nodded and turned back to him. "You can talk to me too Griss. About anything, anytime, ok?" She watched his eyes glance her way.

Ten minutes later, Grissom indicated and turned onto Sara's street. Indicating again he turned into her housing parking lot. He rolled to a stop in front of her house and pulled up the parking brake. His hands resting on the steering wheel were the only thing keeping him from reaching out to her.

He really needed to get a grip on his raging emotions before he said or did anything. He still wasn't sure what he wanted to say or do… well, the 'do' part was pretty obvious.

"Thanks," Sara said quietly before leaning over the console and pecking his cheek. She pulled back as his head snapped in her direction. "I'll probably see you at the lab." She shrugged, referring to Sophia's obvious obsession.

Grissom watched as she opened the door. "Sara?" Waiting until she had turned back towards him, he leaned forward and placed a light kiss against her lips. His eyes had closed at contact and he felt her breath on his chin as he moved back.

Climbing out of the car, she smiled at him and walked towards her door, fishing out her front door keys. From the open door, Sara watched the Mercedes drive away with an accelerated beating heart.

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TBC


	20. Chapter 20

Sorry for the delay in updates. I haven't been able to log onto this website. It wasn't letting me. I finally figured out why. My computer was at error. Stupid thing.

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Chapter 20

Thinking about the parting kiss was distracting her from marking the last student assignment. At least it was the last one. A distraction while still having not started would have been daunting. Forcing herself to concentrate on the last couple of pages, she sipped her tea.

Even with her mind on her work, she still couldn't stop the sudden picture of him explaining his ideas about extra credit for some of her students. As she watched him talk, with moments of animated hand gestures and small enthusiastic smiles, she could see him back in her home, helping with more ideas and proposals she was bound to receive if she went ahead with either of the four student proposals she had in her possession.

Sighing with a flick of her pen tip, she closed the smart file and dropped it onto the pile beside her. If only she could teach and not have the 'extra' paperwork to go with it, but alas, it's all part of the job. Though she didn't usually mind, much, but recent events have crept into her mind and preoccupied her.

Knowing she wasn't going to be able to not look, she searched her desk for the proposals, but was struck with panic when she couldn't locate them.

"Shit." She cursed under her breath, pushing her chair back to stand and look more thoroughly.

A sudden flashback hit her and she stopped looking. Remembering the diner and remembering that Grissom had the files in his hand, and then seeing him put them on the back seat of his car.

Grabbing her keys, she checked the time. It was just approaching two in the morning, but she knew the nightshift timetable and knew Grissom would be at work. She hoped to catch him at the lab.

Walking down the hallways of CSI, talking to Sophia about pending cases, Grissom kept looking up from his clipboard, noting what people were doing in each room as they passed. Checking for updates on evidence as he talked with barely a stop in his words.

"It's going to have to wait until seven. The Judge won't appreciate being woken up this early in the morning." He advised, turning to Bobby's lab as the young man set up for a test fire.

"Two Shots!" He announced clearly, squeezing the trigger of the .34 Colt. Nick and Warrick both waited for the ballistics' tech to retrieve the bullet for comparison as they removed their ear protectors and glasses.

Grissom looked back at his clipboard and signed something below the forms on top. He glanced behind him before moving forward, still listening to Sophia sprout an argument about wasting time.

"The suspect could leave town or destroy evidence." She said hotly. "It's imperative-"

"Look," He stopped and turned to her, tucking the clipboard under his arm and capping his pen. "Like it or not, Judges sleep too. And Brass doesn't think your suspect is a flight risk. He's scared, yes, but he's got two teenagers and a sister-in-law that depend on him, he's unlikely to skip town."

She scowled at the floor. "We don't know that."

"No, we don't. That's why we process the evidence we have and wait until morning to request a warrant. Until then, we get on with the case or move onto something else in the mean time." He advised, looking up and away. "While you're here, could you take a break in half an hour?"

Sophia turned sideways to him and nodded.

"Good. Come to my office. I have something to discuss with you." Grissom broke away from her and was about to continue on to his office when he caught sight of Sara walking towards them.

"Hey." Sara smiled easily at him, but avoided looking at Sophia for a moment before remembering she hadn't anything against the woman nor did she want there to be. "Hello Miss. Curtis." She said professionally. Might as well stay that way in case the young woman really did have something out against her.

"Sara." Sophia walked away with a final nod towards Grissom.

Moving a step closer for some semblance of privacy, he mustered a shy smile. "Couldn't keep away?"

Sara couldn't help but laugh quietly at him. "No." She grinned and rolled her eyes, leaning away from him.

It was funny how one minute they could talk and the next it would be tense, only to be able to play banter into a simple greeting. Had things changed so much in a year? Obviously they had. It was only slightly shocking that he was acting casually with her in a place he had practically ignored her for five years. He was either a changed man or he was going through a midlife crisis, and though Sara had seen evidence of the latter, she didn't think that was what was going on.

"You have my student proposals." She turned with him to let some techs and a detective pass by.

Grissom looked up and down the hallway nodding his head. "I do." He looked back at her with a questioning look. "You've changed your mind?"

Sara raised an eyebrow. "I didn't say that."

"But you're thinking about it." He stated, catching a glimpse of several techs looking their way. Reaching up his hand to grasp her elbow, he guided her in the direction she had come. "Why don't you meet me by my car in ten minutes?"

"Okay." She looked at him oddly, wondering what had brought on the question and his sudden physical contact. "You ok?"

He nodded and released her elbow once they rounded the corner of reception. "I'll be no longer than ten minutes. Office, men's room…"

"Right."

Leaning back against the wall outside the reception door that led into the CSI building, Sara had her arms crossed over her chest, her right leg pulled back to rest on the wall and her head was pointed down, her chin lowered to her chest.

This was how he found her when he stepped through the door. His professional attitude and friendly demeanour from only a few minutes ago, was gone, vanished, and in it's place was a sudden softness with an urge to just take off and go some place to talk.

Shifting to stand on both feet, Sara looked up and smiled at him. They shared a brief moment with their eyes before walking together down the three steps to the pavement and the parking lot.

Being the Head of Nightshift, Grissom headed for his designated parking spot close to the wall that cordoned off the employees and visitors parking spaces. With keys in hand and a gentle hand on her elbow, he guided Sara around the front of his car. Pressing the button on the keypad, the door locks popped up.

Taking a moment to clear his throat as he opened the rear drivers side door, Grissom glanced up at her every now and then as he reached in and down to grab the files.

Sara flinched at the sound of his voice. She was watching his hand through the drivers window and hadn't realised that everything around her had suddenly filtered away.

He shuffled back and stood up straight, the files in his hand, but oddly untidy. It was obvious that Grissom's driving hadn't been as steady as it usually was. The files had intermingled and spread across the back seats. Sara's eyes widened, and panic set in. "Oh my God." Her voice was barely there as her lungs froze. This wasn't what she needed. Her nerves were already shaken by the turn of events concerning herself and Grissom.

Swallowing and averting his eyes from her to his hand, Grissom closed the door with his elbow and moved past her to the hood of his car. Calmly laying the mess of papers on the metal, he bent and pushed the files back into some sort of order. "It's not as bad as it looks." He assured, looking up at her quickly over his glasses.

Sara rubbed her eyes and looked up at the sky. Unable to stop it, a small chuckle emanated from within him and she couldn't stop herself from sighing in frustration. The sound making her look at him, only to look up at the very dark cloudless sky once again. "Grissom." She said his name sternly.

"Sorry." He chuckled, lifting the files as one and tapping the bottom against the hood. "All fixed."

"You sure know how to get my heart racing." She grumbled, walking towards him and snatching the files. A small blush creeping across her cheeks. She resolutely checked over the files herself just so he wouldn't see her blushing like a school girl. Even after all that's happened and all that's about to happen, she couldn't deny that he was still close to her heart and that he made her smile.

Pushing his glasses back up his nose where gravity had tried to slip them off, his eyes were watching the shadows formed by the parking lot lights, flicker across her face. "Ditto." He murmured deeply.

Sara raised her eyes from her inspection of the files. Nothing seemed to happen for what seemed like an eternity. It wasn't the first time either of them had been caught in a moment. Sharing the silence and sharing a quiet gaze that could mean so many things. The spell was broken with Grissom's watch chiming the half hour. He blinked but didn't move. With his feet planted, he waited. For what? He didn't really know.

Confusion, a tirade of feelings and thoughts racing through his mind, making him dizzy with even the simplest moment alone with her. With anger still lingering, he knew things were going to get messy before either of them found some type of peace with each other and everything around them. Even though he still felt something for Sara, he was struck at the pull he felt when near her.

Knowing Catherine a lot longer hadn't dispelled the fact that he did in fact fall under the charms of the college student of so long ago. The mentor he was to her was just another excuse to be close to her. Someone to lean on and talk to. He hadn't factored in falling for her so hard and telling himself he hadn't panicked, but was going through a midlife crisis, he moved on and looked for a fresh start. Not realising he could love two, but also use both as a shield to protect his feelings from one and hide with another.

With time to think about such things over the last year, Grissom had come to the conclusion that he did still love Sara and even sleeping with her in Colorado didn't shake those feelings. They only made them become alive. It wasn't that he didn't love Catherine. He did. He had loved her. Pursued her and planned a life with her. Taking in Lindsey was a little difficult as he wasn't one for knowing what to do with a child, but they grew on each other. He knew he would never abandon her and he had promised not to move away so he could visit.

But the truth of the moment was, he loved Sara and he didn't know how to go about it. She was going through stuff he wanted to make go away. She still blamed herself for what happened and deep down, perhaps not so deep, he blamed and was angry with her.

True confusion. To be in love with someone and blame them for something was a confusion that had kept him awake many nights.

With nothing but a shouting match in the midst of their new found friendship, he wasn't really surprised or unwilling, when he stared into her brown eyes, darkened by the time of the night and the lack of parking lot lamps, of the struggle she was battling. He could see a war he was still plagued by, but she was braver than he.

Stepping forward, Sara placed her left hand on his chest, applying slight pressure as she leaned closer. In the darkness, brown and blue eyes locked and closed almost at the same time as lips met.

Chaste, but soft and firm, lips barely moved against the other. Little motions that allowed one set of lips to brush over the other, was returned in much the same way, both hesitate and both restraining an urge to rush in and vandalise this precious moment, or milestone, depending on how you looked at it.

A short circuit someplace made it difficult to speak in a coherent sentence, but somehow he managed. "Can… can we do this again… sometime?" His breath warmed her lips. Anguish of arguments and emotional wars gave way to something tender and sweet.

"Which?" She questioned, their proximity warming her soul. "Standing by your car or-"

"The kissing." He huskily finished her sentence, his eyes now open and wild. The mere thought of seeing her got his heart pumping, whereas the thought of touching her was close to proving human combustion. All of which still confused him greatly. A warring of emotions was strong within and was also bound to be the destroyer eventually. But neither had stopped part him from enjoying the moment a while longer.

Milking the moment for all it's worth, Sara's eyes were bright, oblivious to what the future held or what his part in it would be. "I was going to say, talking. Standing by your car or talking." She shrugged at his slow blink.

He breathed out shakily. "Funny." Leaning forward at her tug on his shirt, he immediately realised her fingers had formed a fist, and enclosed in her fist was a wad of his button shirt. No matter what had happened before this moment, it was all forgotten in the whirlwind of a kiss.

This kiss was different. Not your full on passion wielding kiss, but something innocent and clearly heart stopping. With lips barely parted, lip gloss from her lips melded gently against the moist lips of his in a silent meeting of souls, where a number of consequences or paths, were divided, waiting for them to take a step on one of those paths and create a future. Good or Bad? Long or Short? It was now completely up to them.

Taking a moment to breathe, Grissom pressed his forehead against Sara's. "I have to go back to work." He regretted breaking the incredible moment they were sharing, but he just remembered he had asked to speak with Sophia. Hating to even break away from the comfort of her body resting lightly against his, he sighed pitifully. "I should go."

Sara rolled her forehead from side to side against his, her eyes closed with her hand still clutched to his shirt. Both not noticing the meaning of the controlled grip she had. "We still need to talk. A serious talk we're both not going to like." She reminded him, her eyes opening to look into his, watching the shadow of evasion pass over them. "Gil, we need to talk."

He closed his eyes in defeat and nodded. "I know. And we will."

"Today?" She relaxed her hand and smoothed the fabric beneath. Sara noticed just how much she had controlled the moment. The hold she had on him prevented him from moving in or away. "I've been marking all night, but after my morning class?"

Swallowing hard, he shook his head, the held back emotions now falling back into place. "No. I Can't. I have a meeting with Ecklie and the Sheriff."

Seeing only evasion and possibly a lie, she didn't stop. "What time do you think-"

"I can't be sure on when we'll be finished." He talked over her, instantly putting some distance between them, having forgotten that only a few minutes ago he was willing to talk to her about everything.

"Before work?" She frowned when he only shook his head and looked down at his feet. "After work maybe?" Still getting no response, Sara grew angry, but knowing she didn't really have the right to. She knew she shouldn't push him, but reason gave way to hurt. "What about never?" She nodded stiffly. "Never sounds about right. Goodnight Grissom."

"Sara." He called out to her when she walked away.

Trying to calm down, she stopped. "I can't do this without you Grissom." She turned to find him closing the distance she had made between them. They were now standing at the rear of Grissom's car, stood in the lamplight. "As much as I want to believe I'm not responsible… I can't do this alone…" She took heavy breathes, trying to hold back the emotions and the tears.

Not stopping until he had her in his arms, Grissom held her as he spoke. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that." He took a shaky breath before speaking again. "With everything still so close to the surface… the feelings and the hurt, I just want to hide. If I hide it'll go away, but it's not. I'm scared too Sara. And I know that when we do talk, things are going to be said and it feels that when it happens, I'm going to lose you before I have you."

"I'm sorry." She whispered against his shoulder. "God, I wish I could make it like none of this happened. I really wish I hadn't shown up for work that night." Her voice broke.

Running his hands over her back, he pressed his cheek against hers. "We'll talk. I promise."

"When?" She hiccupped.

"Soon."

Sighing in acceptance of his answer, Sara wiped her face with her hand before pulling away. Blinking back more tears, she brushed the pad of her thumb against Grissom's cheek where a tear had escaped. His fingers closed around hers and his lips pressed against her palm.

A path had been taken, but not the easy one. With still much to talk about and emotions to overcome, both Grissom and Sara still had a long road to recovery.


	21. Chapter 21

****

Chapter 21

Arriving back at his office, Grissom closed the door and walked around his desk. "Sorry for making you wait Sophia."

"No problem. Just got here myself."

Settling into his chair, he lifted one case folder and dropped it on his right. Picking up a plain brown folder that was beneath, Grissom flipped it open with one hand as he replaced his glasses. He glanced silently over the tops to see Sophia sitting up straight in a visitors chair, her legs crossed and her hands resting in her lap.

Returning his eyes to the single slip of paper in the folder he held in his hand, he slipped off his glasses and rubbed at the corner of his left eye. "I have been updated on your cases of recent and your behaviour is something to be desired-"

Sophia bristled. "What is this about?"

Grissom placed his glasses on the desk and closed the folder. "A complaint has been formed due to your hostile behaviour in a recent interview."

"This isn't about Sara is it? Surely-" Sophia interrupted with a mocking laugh.

Ignoring and continuing, he pushed back his chair and folded his hands in his lap. "There were witnesses. I'm afraid I have to abide by the rules and pass on this complaint to the director. I can't get involved. I'm sorry."

Scoffing, Sophia stood. "I'm sure you can't."

Raising an eyebrow, he stared at her. "Sit down please. I am not finished." Once she had retaken her seat, he continued. "Thank you. This is a serious matter. You do not, no matter what happens, insult or single out interviewees or suspects. No matter what the seriousness of the case. Innocent until proven guilty. No evidence that you had in your possession even warranted for an interview-"

"That's ridiculous. Her name was at the crime scene-!" Sophia's outburst didn't seem to phase him.

"A calling card from a professor to her student is no motive for murder. You know that Sophia. If you asked any of those students, they would have an exact calling card. You follow the evidence that is collected and you follow it."

"I did that. And it led me to Miss Sidle." She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. "And I wasn't the only one following the evidence. Greg and Brass are working this case with me. Why aren't they in here?"

Sighing and reaching for his glasses, Grissom stood and walked to one of the filing cabernets. "The reason they are not here is because I have already spoken to them and I have an account of what happened. It's in the report I submitted before shift."

"And you only just asked for my point of view? Now?" She asked, agitated.

Grissom turned to her with a confused look. "No. Sophia, I'm not handling the complaint. I'm merely collecting together statements from all parties and passing them on to the proper hands. I chose not to get directly involved, which meant I wasn't to talk to you on this matter until you are called to the director, or the person in charge of this review. I'm sorry."

"Right." She stood and angrily matched towards the door.

Clearing his throat, Grissom closed the filing cabernet drawer loudly. "Sophia. I'm not finished."

Stopping with the door in hand, she looked over her shoulder and glared at her supervisor. "I am."

"You will sit down Miss Curtis before I write you up for insubordination." He snapped. Rarely was he able to pull out all his supervisory cards, but she was pushing her luck with her unprofessional attitude. Sitting down behind his desk once more, Grissom opened the file he had in his hand. Without waiting for Sophia to take her seat, he pushed on, wanting to get this over with.

"As much as I am against this disciplinary palaver, I'm afraid I have no choice but to flag your file and push for this complaint to be dealt with quickly." Pulling out a few forms that were looking aged, Grissom looked up. "This isn't the first complaint you have gotten since becoming a CSI, Sophia. If there is a personal problem you have with the job, I suggest you tell me, work it out or make an appointment with a PEAP counsellor."

Standing behind the chair she had vacate, she gripped the back with her hands. "Ok. You want to know my problem? The only problem I have is your attitude towards Sara Sidle. She is the suspect in a murder case and you are protecting her for some God knows reason." She spat with anger at the thought of Gil Grissom pawing over Sara.

Seeing the picture a lot clearer now Sophia was talking, he was a little uncomfortable. He hadn't really played my thought on why Sophia was acting the way she was. It still didn't answer the fact that she has complaints from before she was even put on his shift or moved to Vegas. It was a little puzzling, but the clear picture of her singling out Sara didn't put her on his good side. Sure, he and Sara had things to sort out, but it was no business of Sophia's or anyone else's.

"And if the evidence leads in her direction, I'll pull her in for more questioning. That's what I do. It's my job. If you have a complaint about 'that' then write me up. I don't give a damn." She breathed heavily with anger.

Grissom sighed and tapped his fountain pen on the folder. "Ok, this is how I see this turning out." He calmly sat his pen down and leaned forward, fixing her with a nonnegotiable stare. "If you can't find a suspect by the end of the week, you put the case to bed. If you hassle another citizen of this city with no cause, I'll have you fired. I don't like political bullshit, so I don't want to see you in my office again for anything but work related means. I will not have any of my CSIs out on a personal vendetta. Stop this at once or find yourself on suspension for a week. If you do not get yourself together 'Miss Curtis', I will not have you working for me until you can show you can work in this department with the respect for your fellow co-workers and those of the Las Vegas public. Do I make myself clear?"

Not liking the dressing down, Sophia nodded. "Crystal."

"Good. Now get back to work and expect a call from the directors secretary to finalise an appointment on this matter." Dismissing her by turning his back to her, Grissom grabbed his recent Entomology text book and settled back to read. Now he was tense and on edge from having found out exactly why Sophia was practically fighting with Sara.

She was jealous. And she was fighting over him for his attention.

Staring at the centre of the steering column, Sara's brow was furrowed in a deep frown. For the life of her she couldn't understand what possessed her to kiss him.

Hands hanging by the fingertips on the bottom of the steering wheel, Sara's shoulders and back began to ache. After all the progress she had been making with keeping a distance and telling him to stop showing PDA's, she went and messed everything up by kissing him.

She had controlled the moment entirely, and that was what confused her the most. There wasn't anything wrong with her… She hoped. Her psychiatrist had mentioned something about flinching or becoming uncomfortable with being touched, but this was different. It was like she didn't give him a chance to touch her. She had grappled onto his shirt and hadn't let go. That had to piss him off at least a little bit.

Sara blinked and looked up as a car light caught her attention and glinted off her eyes, causing her to close them briefly. Pushing back to ease the ache in her spine, she glanced at the digital clock on the dash and sighed.

She had been sitting outside her home for the last twenty minutes, completely confused by her behaviour. Maybe it was something about Grissom that made her act that particular way. It wouldn't be the first time she acted out of character around him, but then again, that was a long time ago. Her behaviour of recent was to ward him off and not get involved with anything involving her. He didn't need the gossip or the bad reputation.

Yup, hanging out with the person responsible for his girlfriends death isn't a good thing when you're a supervisor and a well respected CSI and Entomologist. She wouldn't do his career any good if she was around. It had almost caused havoc on various occasions in the past and she wasn't going to willingly and knowingly submit him to it now or in the future.

The quicker they talk out, or whatever, the real emotions behind the unspoken topic, the better it would be for all. At least he would still get a life to live and at least she would be able to do some good to make up for what she had done. Though she was no Christian, Sara felt highly responsible and largely guilty for the explosion. She just had to make sure Grissom didn't feel either.

Close to the end of the nightshift, Grissom was still sitting in his office, alternating between paperwork, a cold case and reading a text book. Though he had a case, he still needed to complete other administrative things. Though the cold case and the text book was just for distraction while he waited on DNA and Trace.

Just about to close up his book and think about closing up shop, a knock on the office door alerted him to Jim Brass looking through the glass of the door, waiting for an invite.

Nodding and waving the detective, and old friend, into the room, Grissom closed his book and sat up. "What can I do for you Jim?"

"I have some leads on the 'frat kids' case." Brass settled into the same seat Sophia had vacated earlier.

"I guessed as much." Grissom folded his hands on the desk and waited for the detective to continue.

Looking around the office for a moment, he focused his eyes on Grissom, a curious question on his lips and a personal question in his head. "Have you spoken to Sophia?"

Grissom raised an eyebrow. "I have."

"Good." Brass nodded, uncertain. "I just spoke to her. Giving her the heads up for the case and she was rather cool towards me. Just thought it might have something to do with Sara's complaint."

"I'd prefer if you kept that to yourself. No names. A complaint isn't public knowledge. Not in this case."

"I guess so. I'm just worried about Sara."

"We all are." Grissom looked off and away, thinking back to earlier. Shaking his head to focus, he looked back at the man sitting across from him. "So? What have you got?"

Brass tugged at his suit jacket and fished his hand in the inner pocket, pulling out his notebook. "I got Greg to do some background checks on the dead kids and there frat pals. Most were involved with drugs. All minor, nothing major. Selling and partaking in marijuana. The usual. That didn't really pick up anything."

"Kids these days." Grissom shook his head, sighing.

"Yeah. Well, the one thing that did draw me in was the hazing. Greg spoke to Nick." Brass smiled. "Apparently Greg couldn't relate to a lot of the frat hazing. Apparently he flunked out on a few occasions."

A brief smirk appeared on Grissom's face. "What did Nick have to say?"

"That he and Sara worked a case a few years ago. Even though he was a Jock in school, he remembers what frat guys are doing these days. The case him and Sara had was an accident, turn murder. Anyway," He continued. "I spoke to some of the kids and they said that they were all pretty desperate to get in. Fratting is a big thing apparently."

Sitting back in his chair, Grissom nodded. "It's the whole 'being accepted into the popular group' aspect. As strange is it sounds, kids are still looking for acceptance and getting the opposite in a majority of cases."

"Yeah, some die." Brass sighed bluntly. "I'm sort of glad Ellie wasn't into the college girl frat thing. I don't think I'd cope with what I'm seeing in schools these days."

Grissom looked at his friend. "Ellie's a good kid. She can look after herself. She knows you're only a phone call away if she needs any help."

Brass snorted, making himself comfortable. "You really think she'd call her old man?"

"I can honestly say that Ellie is everything her father is."

Chuckling at him, Brass shook his head in amusement. "It's so obvious you don't have children Gil. I think I'd be worried if you did."

Grissom nodded to show his agreement, but was wondering on the inside what it would be like to be a father, but then again, his thoughts threw him through a loop and his current dilemma with Sara and an unsaid issue, was ever present in his mind.

"Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that Sara doesn't seem to be linked with the case. A few of the frat lads are talking and have given us reason to suspect drug abuse in a frat initiation stunt. Doc still hasn't gotten the Tox back. I was wondering…" He looked at him with a pleading look.

"I'll see what I can do to push that along. I'll do it myself if it hasn't moved from the pile of debris that is the Toxology lab."

"Thanks." Brass smiled, pushing himself up. "I'll head back out. It's gonna be a long day. I need to head home for a fresh shirt, but I'll be on the streets asking more questions when you get those results."

Grissom reached for the telephone as he spoke. "I'll page you."

Greg stopped in the doorway to the Tox Lab and nervously smoothed down his court tie and jacket. "Um… Hey Griss." He entered the room and stuff his hands into his pockets. "You got a minute?"

"Is it about a case?" Grissom inquired as he tapped in some numbers on the Mass Spec.

"No no… Well, not really." Greg stammered. "It's about Sara."

His index finger hesitated pressing the 'Enter' button. "What about Sara?"

"Well," Greg murmured. "I'm not comfortable with the idea of Sara as a suspect… and thought I'd…"

Grissom made sure the Mass Spec was running and the samples on the counter were secure before turning and giving the young CSI his full attention. "Brass came to me earlier about the case you're working on."

Surprised that he had seen the detective, Greg nodded jerkily. "Anything?"

"Some leads. He'll probably page you when he has something concrete."

"So? Sara's been excluded?" Greg asked in a hopeful voice.

Grissom nodded. "Yes. I haven't spoken to her, as it isn't my case, but you can call her if you want. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you."

"Yeah. We missed out on lunch the other day." He sighed with a happy smile. "I feel better knowing she hasn't got that stuff to worry about. She's no murderer." Realising a moment later what he had said, Greg instantly found himself opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish.

Grissom frowned. "What's wrong?"

Unsure on what to say, Greg fumbled. "Oh Jeez. I'm so sorry Grissom. I didn't mean that."

Grissom finally registered the unease and the reason behind it. "Are you saying that I think Sara is a murderer?"

Shaking his head furiously, Greg back-pedalled. "God no."

"You really think-" He cut himself off, suddenly understanding what was going on. Breaking from his thoughts, he looked up. "Greg." Pausing, Grissom turned as the Mass Spec beeped. He turned and pressed a button before turning back and ushering the young CSI out of the lab so he could lock the door.

"Honestly Griss, I never meant to say all that." Greg was almost distraught.

Grissom started for his office, making sure Greg followed him. "Lets just get this out of the way so I can get home."

"Uh, ok."


	22. Chapter 22

****

Chapter 22

Finding Henry Giles walking in her direction, Sara stopped him with a smile and held out a single blue file that had several finalised proposals inside. "I'm glad I caught you." She turned and both walked down the corridor as they talked. "I was just coming to find you in fact."

Henry chuckled and balanced his coffee mug as he flipped through the folder. "I'm very pleased you looked these over. I couldn't believe it when I was mobbed by half my class this morning, inquiring after your answer."

Sara sighed, but kept smiling. "It wasn't easy and I did nearly hand them back to you, but I was given a good pep talk and talked it out, so that helped change my mind."

"And who do I owe the thanks?" He asked, stopping when he came across the credited and funding name for all four proposals. "Ah. Now I'm impressed with him."

"How so?" Sara was puzzled.

Chuckling and pushing forward to get moving again, Henry closed the folder. Tucking it under his arm, he took a sip of his coffee. "The renowned Gil Grissom refused a few of my proposals."

Sara stared at the floor. "Oh."

Sensing her embarrassment, Henry looked at her. "Sara, I might be jealous of your connections, but this is a great move in the right direction. At this rate you'll be the professor that all the students want on their lecture lists."

Laughing self consciously, she looked around. "I doubt that, but I can get Doctor Grissom to reconsider-"

"About the proposals? Hell no." He barked a laugh.

"Well, that wasn't what I… never mind." She smiled. It wouldn't kill to use Grissom's popularity with the professors or his reputation as a CSI, just as long as she kept out of anything that would involve tarnishing his name further than association.

Holding open the courtyard door, Henry couldn't help but ask. "I don't mean to pry, but how on Earth did you get the renowned Doctor Gil Grissom to look over these and volunteer funding and his time to lecture?"

Sara sighed and continued to walk at his side across the yard. "It was actually his idea. I was apposed to the whole business."

"Cold feet?" He smiled at passing students.

"Yes." She answered bluntly and shot him an embarrassed look.

Henry sighed and chuckled. "It's ok Sara. First time is a lot to take on board. I know you CSI's like solitude or whatever you do on your downtime, but here, it's different. You've got professors who envy you and want your job and you've got students who want to be taught by you and then want to be you."

Sara stopped outside her classroom door and turned to him. "Guess that's one way of encouraging me. Thanks Henry."

Happy to receive sarcasm from the new young professor to be, Henry grinned and tapped the folder he held on her head playfully. "Go get 'em tiger."

"Oh, go away." She cracked with laughter, shooing him with her hands. "Go talk to those bugs of yours."

"I intend to. And thank you Sara." He held up the folder and headed off down the corridor.

Pleased with her new budding friendship with the elder Entomologist, Sara entered her classroom and prepped for morning class.

* * *

Sophia didn't like what she saw, but it was clear as day. Though she could have done with something good to brighten up her day, she would have to settle with going in to work early and getting on with a case she was beginning to despise.

Standing in the break room with the case evidence log open on the table, she poured herself a much needed cup of coffee before resigning herself to working over the paper evidence she had while waiting on DNA.

Warrick and Nick wouldn't be in for at least another hour, as shift was still belonging to swing. Grissom, the mighty nightshift supervisor, was someplace. Probably still at home, or off romancing soon-to-be-professor Sidle.

Scoffing at the thought, Sophia couldn't bring herself to look at either of them as a couple. Perhaps a couple of idiots, but not as a relationship. At the party a while back, meeting Sara for the first time, Sophia hadn't even seen a friendship between old boss and old employee, but maybe she had been wrong. They had left together after all.

Rumour was, well, there were a few, but this afternoon the rumour was that Gil Grissom was heartbroken after Catherine's death and had filed a negligence report on Sara for not securing the crime scene, which resulted in the death of a colleague. But this was old news. Almost a year late, so she didn't pay attention.

What she did believe from all the gossip, was that after questioning Sara, Grissom had followed her out to her car and they were seen talking. Grissom had been practically all over Sara, holding her hand, talking, doing what people do when in a relationship.

Whether it was true or not, he wasn't doing anything wrong. He wasn't involved in the 'frat' case and Sara was looking less like a suspect with every piece of evidence.

She didn't have to like any of it though.

* * *

The sound of the locking mechanism on his supervisors door caused him to flinch. Not really expecting his day to go from pretty much ok, to worrying about Sara, to some how inserting his foot into his mouth in front of his boss. Greg really hadn't wanted to bring up anything to do with what was going on between Grissom and Sara. It had to be difficult under the circumstances anyway.

Motioning for the young man to take a seat, Grissom rounded his desk, but didn't sit down. He was a little nervous and didn't want to be seen fidgeting or fiddling with anything in front of his CSI.

"Griss-" Greg started, thinking that it was bound to be painful one way or another, and decided he might as well say something first.

"It's ok Greg." Grissom surprised him. "I'm not angry or anything." Thinking that it might be better to be seated, he pulled back his chair and slowly lowered himself into it.

Greg was relieved, immensely. "Oh good!" He left out a rush of air and smiled a little, looking around the room. "I was worried for a second. I swear, I was just worried about Sara and this case and… stuff." He stalled when he looked back at his boss and saw the look of deep thought in the older mans eyes.

Taking a quiet breath when he opened his mouth, Grissom's brows furrowed further. "You really thought I'd labelled Sara a murderer?"

Greg was taken aback at the typical Grissom question, using 'labelled' like he was talking about a case. He guessed it was just his way of separating himself.

"I guess I did… At one time." Grissom pushed out with a surprised laugh, making Greg nervous.

"Er, Grissom, you ok?"

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Grissom focused on the young man. "What?"

Greg sat forward slightly. "You ok?"

Furrowing his brow in confusing this time, Grissom nodded. "Of course. I've been better, but… you know?"

Nodding slowly, Greg sat back and folded his hands in his lap. "Good. Good." Still nervous, he started to tap his right thumb against the back of his left hand.

Starting to gather things more clearly in his mind, Grissom leaned into the side of his chair with a thoughtful expression. "You actually thought that I'd think Sara was a murderer?" He asked again, clearly more shocked.

Not sure what to say, Greg said nothing. He soon knew that he really didn't have to say anything. Grissom seemed that he was about to have an epiphany or something.

"I blamed her." He confessed. "I even told her so."

Greg watched as his boss seemed to look straight though him, giving him a chilled feeling.

"We need to talk. But it's hard, you know?" He asked rhetorically. "We tried a few times. Even got down to the soul of it, but I guess we both clammed up. I clammed up. She clammed up." His voice faded out.

Deciding he had a good enough question to inject into this newfound trust that Grissom seemed to have 'entrusted' in him, Greg took a small breath. "Have either of you mentioned what you're going to do once all this is behind you both?"

Grissom seemed to think about it before shaking himself out of his own head and looked at Greg. "I don't know."

"Didn't think that far?" Greg asked.

"No."

Nodding, Greg pushed himself forward and stood. "You know what? I think hearing about her exclusion from the case from me would be pretty cool, but I think it would be cooler, if it came from you. I'll catch you later tonight boss. Say 'Hi' to Sara for me."

* * *

"… We've covered a lot this period. So I'm going to give you guys a break and let you go early." Sara announced and smiled as the room erupted into joy filled comments and cheers.

"Just remember that I'll want you all to consider your next paper really carefully, as it will determine if you will pass. Guys," She paused and grabbed their attention by tapping her board marker on the desk. "Before you think that you can just study for an hour and pass this 'piss easy' think again. You fail this paper and you 'will not' be accompanying the field trips for the entire semester. Do I make myself clear in your binge drinking, partying brains?"

A chorus of 'Yes Ma'am' echoed in the room, causing Sara's smile to grow.

"Go on, get out of here before the hall inspectors do the rounds for truancy." She chuckled and turned to start clearing away her desk. Not that they had a hall inspectors anymore, but it was all a bit of fun.

"Miss Sidle?" A voice called.

Stacking some of the books on the desk, Sara looked over her shoulder. "Yes Charlie?" Shuffling with a nervousness that reminded Sara of Greg asking her for a lunch break together, she turned and gave him her full attention. "A question?" She ventured with a soft smile.

Charlie nodded and cleared his throat. "I was wondering if it was true that you are a suspect in a murder?"

Several students one their way to the door stopped and looked back.

Sara shifted her stunned gaze from the young man standing in front of her to the other students staring back at her. "Well," She stumbled over what exactly she should say. "Yes, it's true."

"Did you murder-" Charlie's voice was interrupted by a knock on the door. He looked towards it and became more nervous.

"No, Miss Sidle didn't and isn't." Grissom's voice almost echoed in the empty room. He walked around the group of listening students and approached the stage. "I've just been informed by the police and the CSI's involved, that Miss Sidle has been excluded as a suspect in this murder. So, furthermore questioning on this matter is better keep to ones self." He informed Charlie with a pointed look.

"Oh, yes! Of course." Nodding frantically, Charlie grabbed his bag and shoved it onto his shoulder. "Sorry Miss Sidle. I was…"

"Just curious?" Sara smiled and reached out to pat his arm. "No problem Charlie. Now go on. Study for that paper or you'll be staying here for the rest of the term."

"I will ma'am. Doctor Grissom."

Watching and waiting for the room to completely clear, Grissom leaned back against the desk, his hands curling around the edges. "Little intense for a minute there." He commented.

Sara went about gathering up several pages of notes. "A little." Taking a deep breath, she paused and looked up, looking into his eyes as he turned his head towards her. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugged and picked up a book from the pile she had made moments before Charlie had asked the ever tense question. "I came to tell you officially that you have been excluded from the case. Brass is following some pretty strong leads and Sophia is doing the same. Greg was a little worried for a minute." He flipped through some pages without looking at the contents. "We had a chat."

Licking her lips nervously, Sara snapped her briefcase shut and took the book from his hands to place it and the others into a small file box. "That's nice."

"The chat?" He asked slowly, moving to stand. "It was pretty confusing, actually."

Shoving her case under her left arm, she grabbed the box by it's handle holes on either side. "Coffee? Or are you going home?" She twisted her right hand carefully and glanced at her watch. "It is well past you bedtime."

Grissom shuffled after her as she started to leave the room. "I was working late for Jim. He needed some evidence put through the lab."

"So?"

"So… Coffee would be nice. There's a diner around the corner." He held the door open for her.

"Actually, I was thinking we needed to talk."

He sighed. "Sara, I'm tired. I'd really like to share a coffee with you, but I'm not in any state to talk."

"Grissom." She shifted her arms to angle around the box more comfortably and hold onto her briefcase. "I'm worried about you now more than I was before everything messed up."

Not sure what she meant, he asked. "How do you mean?"

She released the box when he reached for it and held onto her briefcase with her now free hand so she could open the next set of doors. "I mean, you're not the person you once were, which is understandable, but-"

"But what?" He asked quickly, not sure if his brain was just not accepting the conversation or he just didn't understand what she was talking about. Which is doubted very much.

Snatching a quick glance at him, Sara continued. "You're scaring me Gil. And this isn't the place for this pending - whatever it is - conversation." She looked around before moving towards the parking lot.

Throwing out his defences, he slowed his pace so he walked behind her. "I'll meet you at the diner."

Sara sighed and stopped walking, waiting for him to catch up, knowing he was just trying to avoid talking about what they had been putting off for a long time now. "No. You know very well that this is a private 'hash it out'. My place is walking distance."

Grissom knew she was right and he did have a little swell of pride at how she was now trying to face what demons were haunting her, and him. He was just unsure what to say, and still afraid that he'd say the wrong things. It wasn't like he wanted to hurt her, he was just worried about his own temper.

* * *

Uncomfortable and on edge, both stood stock still in the apartment. Sara was stood behind the couch, while Grissom was located by the table. Neither had really said a word, other than an offer of coffee and a snack, but that was it. The silence had encased them and soon one broke the standstill with a deep breath.

"Where do we start?"

Sara looked up from her hand, her fingers pulling absently at the ruffles on the blanket covering the couch. Grissom turned his head towards her. "The beginning." She stated the obvious.

"That's a good place to start." He agreed, though with hesitation. "But not a very comfortable subject."

"That's the point." She murmured. Grasping the back of the couch, her voice returned to normal as she continued. "This is going to happen now because I can't take it anymore."

He watched her blink once. "You can't stand what? Anymore?"

"The guilt, Gil!" Growling in frustration, Sara threw her hands up in the air and stormed around the couch to sit down.

While trying not to react in several different ways, he forced himself to talk. "You're not the only one feeling the guilt, Sara." He said slowly.

"How can you carry the guilt? When it's my fault Catherine is dead?" She asked curiously, almost not fathoming why he didn't understand.

"Circumstance don't-"

"I don't give a damn Grissom." She snapped. "I showed up at a crime scene I wasn't assigned to. And yet, I turned up to process and failed to secure. My guilt is justified."

"The officer on duty was the one who failed to secure the crime scene. And you being there was your job." He said evenly, his supervisor tone coming in to play.

Sara stood up with a dark look in her eyes, her face red and her breathing rapid. "Stop rationalising my actions and yell at me already!" She sucked in a quick breath. "Blame me Gil! I know you do. I can see it in your eyes! Every time I think back to that night and watch it ALL over again, I see the hate and the blame and the PAIN, every time you look at me."

Her eyes blinked in quick succession with tears and her breathing became slightly laboured with shock and anger. "I want you to be relieved of that anger so you can get on with your life. To find someone else or just be content. I want to know you faced the object of all the pain you were caused, all the pain you still feel, and not let it stop you from moving on."

Grissom's eyes softened, then closed as he took a seat at the table. His head hurt and so did his heart.

"I will not stand by and let you ignore it and make a huge mistake by being present in my life when you clearly have more to live for than a burn victim whose scarred for life and with NO prospect of EVER being touched by another human being again."

Clearly shaken by the truth of her own words, Sara's face went from outrage and hot to wide-eyed and a sudden comprehension of how terrified she was at admitting the complete truth out loud and to the one person she was afraid of losing and scaring off.

Grissom sat, unblinking. His shoulders were already tense, but now more so. Shaking his head after gathering only a thread of his thoughts, he blinked and let out a slow rush of silent air.

"Okay." He sighed loudly after a second, then raised his hand to rub at his forehead.

Sara looked up slowly from the carpet, where her brow was furrowed at, her thoughts lost in a deep abyss of self loss and her ears awaiting the anger she deserved.

Feeling she was going to have to either provoke him into an argument for peace of minds sake or she was going to need to talk this out, and still have the same conclusion. At least if they argued, Grissom would eventually point the blame and get it off his chest. Holding it inside would only lead to explosion, but she couldn't wait any longer with the guilt she felt. Knowing it would never go away was something she would have to learn to live with, but she knew how he bottled up emotions and how it affects him. His outbursts in the lab with tough cases was always a good example of bottled up emotion. His lack of already anti-social behaviour with the higher-ups was another.

She didn't want him losing his job due to her. She had already taken from him and had vowed never to do it again. Getting him to talk was never easy. His anger towards her was always simmering on the surface, but he would ignore or forget about her.

They used to be best friends. She had tried to fake friendship as he sort a life with Catherine and Lindsey. Which was yet another heavy dose of painful guilt. A daughter lost her mother because she was too eager to please and do her job, when all it led to was death and destruction.

All of a sudden, she got it.

She was looking for forgiveness when she shouldn't be. She had taken a life. She had taken a loved one from their family and worst of all, she had finished whatever was left of the Gil Grissom she once knew.

With all her studies and advancement, she had always thought of her mentor as more than a friend. More than just her mentor. She had fallen in love with him and in her quest to find if her feelings where returned, she witnessed heartbreak, rejection and loss. Three combinations that led her to the place she is now.

Changing careers was the right thing to do. She once looked at her job as helping others and being close to the man who held her heart. But in the end she realised she couldn't move on as a CSI. Not after Catherine died. She wasn't going to run, but she couldn't stay knowing that being a CSI was what had eventually ended her career and her life as it once was.

Being a teacher and showing kids what it was really like, she hoped to prepare the next generation about both the heart and the mind. Hers burnt out in the end. Both literally and figuratively.

Grissom closed his eyes for just a second, recalling a very recent conversation with the young Greg Sanders. This was it. The waiting was over. What was said and done in this room at this time, would lighten or darken either one of their paths.

"I realised something today." He started, the low voice gradually strengthening, knowing the length of silence could startle her. "I was working in the lab when Greg came to me about something. He was worried he couldn't be objective in his case because you might be involved. Anyway," He cleared his throat. "In the end, he said something that took me back. It didn't even register at first, but when it did, it threw me." He stopped, getting his bearings and trying hard to keep his eyes from bouncing off anything but her. He did look her way when he caught her move in his peripheral vision.

"He said 'She's no murderer'." Not seeing a reaction in her eyes, Grissom stalled for a moment. "He then back-pedalled, because of course, he realised I was probably angry or upset. But I wasn't. Not those reasons." He looked her square in the eyes. "I don't think or believe what happened makes you a murderer."

His eyes crinkled a little when she looked down. "I believe you were the victim. And if it had been different, if things had turned out opposite, I'd still be in the same emotional state."

After a moment, Sara took a shaky breath. "I doubt that."

Emotions were now in full swing. Rushing high and volatile.

"I wish you wouldn't do this Sara." Grissom sighed. "You want me to blame you?" He stood and paced the carpet in front of the coffee table. "Ok." He stopped and stared down at her with anger in his eyes. "I blame you. It's your fault. The world is round, not flat." He snapped harshly, sucking in and blowing out air quickly.

The sarcasm mixed with the exasperation was too much. Grissom turned when Sara sniffed. He watched, frozen, as she wiped at her face.

Trying had not to give into the sudden onslaught of tears, Sara rubbed at her eyes, but nothing could stop the feelings from overflowing and the tears finally came.

Stricken by what he had just said and what it had caused, Grissom moved closer and crouched on the floor, taking her right hand in his and his left hand on her knee. "Sara, I'm sorry." He whispered softly, sincerely.

She shook her head. "No, you're right."

"Sara." He squeezed her hand. "I do harbour some of the guilt and I did, at one time, blame you, but as I've spent time with you, I've thought more about Catherine and how lucky you are to be alive. I can't see you as anything but the victim, who has survived a life threatening situation. You have to move on too, or I can't."


	23. Chapter 23

****

Chapter 23

"Move on?" Sara shook her head with slow exhausted shakes.

"Listen to me. Listen to yourself. We've both been beating ourselves up over what needs to be said. But we are both scared Sara." He squeezed her knee and hand simultaneously. "Scared of hearing the truth."

"We have to stop?" She asked softly.

Grissom nodded. "No more hiding from the truth. We both know what happened. We know what could have been different. But this… delay, with…" He searched for the right word, his blue eyes clearer in the midday sun. "…delay with recovering, isn't going to help either one of us from moving on from the guilt, the pain and the night we spent together."

She looked into his eyes with a startled breathe. "Gil."

"Sssh." He whispered, raising his hand from her knee to cup her cheek. "We talked about that. 'You' talked about that." He added with a small smile. "But I didn't really say much of what was on my mind."

"It was a mistake." She said firmly, not comfortable with talking about the moment they shared. She had thought about it a lot and defined what it was. Anything more, it would shatter her trembling heart if he continued.

"Was is?" He asked, just like he had the last time they subject was broached. Taking her hand again, he sighed and shook his head. "At the time, we made a mistake. I know I was the one to pressure you-"

"I was scared Gil. Not pressured." Sara hesitantly told him. "It hadn't been long after the explosion. I was hideous. I still have my doubts on whether I'll ever look the same. Or even if I can look at myself."

"You are beautiful." He said on a whispered breath.

A self depreciating chuckle escaped her lips. "Right."

Grissom instantly frowned. "Sara-"

"I know I didn't have the looks before, but as least I had smooth skin, and barely any scars. But this," She roughly released his hand and pulled at her sleeve. "This is ugly." She paused, staring at the still scared flesh. "I'm ugly." She said softly.

He grasped her wrist quickly to stop her from hastily covering up. "Don't." He held her wrist tightly against the pull she made. "What I said that night, I said from the heart."

His index and middle fingers stroked the roughened skin with affection as his voice softly conveyed his words of truth. "Beauty is only skin deep Sara. These are only scars, scars that heal, that will fade. Only you need to believe Sara. Please. Believe."

With his blue eyes following his fingers for a moment, he soon raised them to her dark worried brown eyes. He could see the tremble of her lips and the unmistakable shiny splashes of tears against her cheeks. His resolve had already snapped the minute he'd crashed and burned with sarcasm and the sight of her tears. This time it only made him want to take away all the pain she had been through, both emotionally and most of all, physically.

"Come here." He whispered, kneeling on his aged knees to pull her forward and wrap his strong arms around her. _'Beauty is truth, truth beauty. That is all you know on Earth and all you need to know.'_

"I'm so sorry Grissom. For everything." She whimpered on a stuffy sniffle. "I'm sorry."

"I know. I'm sorry too." He held her tighter. "We can both get through this. I promise you."

Sara pulled back slowly, one hand wiping her cheeks while her other held onto his shoulder. Remembering her own promise to never get in his way again, or getting involved in his life, she shook her head sadly. "No. Don't make promises."

"Sara-" He stared into her puffy eyes.

"No." She said with a splash of conviction. "No promises. We have an agreement, professionally. I'd like to still have you as a guest lecturer, but don't stick around for anything more."

"Why?" Grissom asked quietly, completely confused.

"Your career at the lab, most importantly, your name and your reputation, would be tarnished greatly if you hung around me. It's already started. But I'm praying that it's not permanent."

Scoffing at the entire idea. "That's ridiculous."

"I don't see it that way."

"Of course you don't Sara. You are obviously still holding onto the guilt. It's stopping you from getting on with your life. Hell, your guilt is now holding me back. How can I not be around you? You're my best friend." Grissom's face pinched in bafflement and distress.

"I…" Shocked, she stared at him. "Really?"

Hating himself for the damage that had been caused to dispute their friendship, he nodded. "Yes. I lost your friendship a long time ago, but I'll be damned if I lose it for good after all that has happened."

Sara's heart broke, torn between pain and joy. "I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt you again. My life isn't going to get better than this. It's everything I've got left. Even though your friendship would mean the world to me, I can't let my involvement with you go any further than two professionals-"

"Sara. Stop. You're babbling. You're upset."

She erupted with hysterical tears. "Of course I'm upset!" She snapped. "And I'm babbling because I've lost all my energy crying and arguing with you." Bursting into tears at the absurd conversation, she willingly held onto Grissom when he again wrapped his arms around her.

He held on tighter as her cries increased. Letting her exhaust herself of all the tears, he smiled when a hiccup escaped. Pulling back to stroke her wet cheeks, he wiped a bit of the moisture away. His eyes always watching her. "Let me get you a glass of water, ok?"

She nodded silently, using her sleeves as a tissue to dry her cheeks and her eyes.

When Grissom returned with the glass of filtered cold water, he sat beside her, releasing the glass when she had a firm grip. He then lifted his arm up and over her head. "Hey." He said quietly before pulling her into his side, all the while she slowly sipped her water and sniffled.

"Thanks." She said, all stuffy and choked up.

"Anytime." He whispered.

They sat together in silence for a long time. Each gathering themselves in their own way.

"Once you open your mind to other possibilities, the answers become very clear to you."

Sophia inwardly sighed and her shoulders slumped for good measure. She may have thought she had something for the quirky man, but as she tried to get some kind of response or return from him, she was painfully discovering that he was not on the market. Whether he was taken by Sara Sidle or not.

Taking her case file and her heavy shoulders, she set about to find answers and locate Detective Brass to find the killers of the college students.

Grissom watched her go, wondering if his disinterest had suddenly sunk in. It wasn't that it didn't like her, no, it was just that he wasn't looking right then. Still mending his own emotional fence, his eyes and everything else were more focused on Sara.

"Griss!" Greg called out.

"I'm coming Greggo." He turned to proceed towards the break room. Ready to receive Greg's latest report on the case he was working.

With Sophia now looking into her case objectively, he could think about other things without worrying about Sara and any animosity Sophia had against her.

Albert Robbins closed up shop for the morning, making sure things were clean and tidy for the Dayshift. He was just exiting the building when his cell phone chimed.

"Robbins." He listened to the caller and smiled. He smiled again as he past Grissom and Brass walking down the middle of the parking lot, talking quietly. They all nodded in passing.

"I guess it's safe to say that I'll be home for breakfast, dear."

Brass chuckled at Grissom. "I'm not listening to the rumour mill Gil. Have more faith in me."

"It's hard for me to believe you."

"I didn't start it." The detective mock defended himself, his palm to his heart.

Scoffing at the false sincerity in the man's tone, Grissom dug into his briefcase for his keys. "You didn't exactly dispel any of it either."

Lowing his hand to his pants pocket as they walked between a red Ford, which had a pink engraved stripe down the side, and a plain dark blue SUV. He gave the Ford another look and checked the tax disk.

"Jim." Grissom called from the back of the SUV. "What are you doing? That's a suspects car."

Brass snorted. "I'd suspect a suspect with a car like that."

Pulling out a large bag, Grissom took a cursory look at the vehicle parked beside his. "Here's the evidence from the robbery. I have to take it in before leaving. You staying out here?"

Nodding slowly, the detective leaned forward to get a good like at the backseat. "I'm gonna call a buddy of mine. Have this car 'played' with."

"Jim, I parked here because I wasn't here ten minutes. Don't be a jerk and go home."

Straightening up with a stupid grin, he looked back at his friend. "You sure have changed."

"Death and taxes tend to have an effect on anyone." Grissom responded dryly, adjusting the evidence bag under his arm so he could pull out his cell phone from his beige jacket pocket. "I need to call Sara."

"Breakfast date?" Brass wasn't teasing with his question, he was truly curious.

Pressing the appropriate speed dial code, he looked up at the sky first before settling on Brass. "If you must know, Sara and I have been talking, a lot, about things. We're getting along and we're going to have lunch later to talk about my first lecture with her class."

"Ah." Brass nodded. "Good." He smiled. "I'm glad. That you have sorted things out. I hope it stays that way."

Grissom walked away with the evidence in his hand and his cell phone held to his ear. "Hey," He smiled softly when a sleepy voice picked up the phone. "Still on for lunch?"

Getting back into the swing of things, Grissom turned back towards the room and continued to talk about reconstructions to solve crimes and including in some places that bugs can help solve cases.

"-a few years ago I had a case north of Vegas. A metal case, or box, had fallen from a flat bedded truck. The truck was on it's way for a dump stop. When the driver of the truck got out to investigate what had fallen from his over packed load, he discovered the box in a ditch. When he got closer to it, he noticed that it was humming."

Retrieving a photocopy of one of the crime scene photos, Grissom latched it to the overhead projector and showed the audience. It was an open picture of the contents of the box.

Even when he noticed that Professor Henry Giles shifted in his seat and adjusted his glasses, Grissom continued to explain. "The driver tried to open the box with a crowbar, but was overcome with insects that flew around his head. He retreated and called highway patrol. When the police were finally called, I was brought in and discovered that the box was full of fire ants."

A hand shot up from the audience. "Doctor Grissom?"

Stopping just before he was about to speak, he inwardly sighed at the interruption. "Yes?"

"Wasn't there another case that involved fire ants? A case where a Down Syndrome kid was killed at a horse ranch and then stuffed in a metal box?"

Sara sat up straighter in her seat off to the side. She looked out at the students briefly before adding to her notes. She was almost ready to take her exams to become a professor, but she still needed to get in some written work for a late essay. With Grissom around most nights, prepping for his lecture, the distractions were starting to show in her work. Which wasn't all bad, she just needed to sit down and work a little more before classes. She'd catch up.

Grissom spoke with confidence. "As a matter of fact, there have been numerous murders, accidents, suicides, over the many years that I've been a CSI, that have included fire ants in one way or another. They are indeed a pest. A dangerous pest at that."

Placated with the answer, the student sat down and scribbled in his notepad.

Able to finish in peace, Grissom closed up and answered the many questions that were directed at him. And not all were about the course. With the famous Entomologist Gil Grissom, who wouldn't ask a bug question and distract him from the subject at hand.

Sara was hesitating from interrupting the interrogation as students started to crowd Grissom and shoot out quick fire questions before firing more. She hadn't seen him absorbed in his work for a long time and even though he was just giving a lecture, it was hard not to think back to the time when they first met and she was one of those students surrounding him.

Thinking back and trying to understand how things had progressed, she knew that she wasn't the only student that Grissom instructed, as she was now seeing that he was bound to take on more eager learners. Even Grissom couldn't back down from a challenge.

It was some time before the students started to grab their things and leave, but Henry Giles sat calmly, watching and listening, even answering his cell phone once while he waited. Sara decided she would just join him and wait.

"He'll steal your thunder, you know?" Henry teased her.

Smiling into her hand as she relaxed in her seat, Sara stared at a speck on the floor. "I'm sure he will. He's a great CSI."

Henry huffed a laugh and leaned his head to the side. "You're no less popular to these guys."

"I'm a teacher." She snorted and chuckled. "The fame doesn't interest me. I love Forensics."

"I don't suppose Gil likes the attention from his minions."

Sara laughed out loud at the idea of Grissom having minions.

Grissom looked over the heads of two students before shooing them away. "I'll give my email address to Miss Sidle and you can ask more question, but for now you should catch a break before afternoon classes start." He advised as he started to break through the crowd.

Looking up as someone approached, Sara smiled. "Having fun?"

He let out a puff of air. "It's a lot in a long time. You do realise that I haven't given a lecture in some many years?" Grissom sat down beside Sara and stretched out, his right arm pressing against Sara's as they shared the armrest.

"Well," Henry sat forward to look around Sara. "You sure know how to entertain the room Gil."

"Thank you." He nodded, offering a small smile to Sara before a frown creased his forehead and he pushed his head forward to look at Henry. "What are you doing here? Don't you have classes?"

"Excuse me, you came to my neck of the woods to help a friend. I can abuse my position by sitting in on one of Doctor Gil Grissom's talks. Besides, Sara invited me." Henry said smugly.

Grissom swung his head and stared. "You invited him?"

She smiled. "It was the least I could do. Henry did ask me to do this series of lectures. And if it wasn't for your encouragement, I wouldn't have accepted. So, as they say, the rest is history."

A smirk tipped his lips as Grissom nodded. "Ok." He looked back to the other professor. "Have you okey'd the reconstruction for next month?" He changed the topic smoothly.

Henry nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "Forms have been signed. Student letters written up. Notices posted. Four weeks and counting."

Sara let out a rush of noisy air. "That's not that long away."

Reassuringly, Grissom touched her elbow. "You've got me to help."

She smiled. "Thank you."

Henry left them to talk things over. A moment of silence passed. Sitting and looking out at the slightly elevated stage.

"How about some lunch?" Grissom asked softly, turning his head slowly to look at her.

Smiling a little and thinking for a second, Sara decided it would be nice to eat something and even with the things that had been going on between them, it would still be nice to eat with him. "Sure." She said quietly.

A few weeks into preparation and bundles of nerves, a quiet dinner and a work session led to a heated debate about something only a physicist and an entomologist would know, to which Grissom blurted out a sudden thought that was very uncharacteristic. Though for a changed man, anything was possible.

"God you're sexy when you're passionate about something."

Sara stopped short with a comeback to their debate as his words filtered into her brain. She stared, then blushed, before letting out a nervous but humorous giggle. "Oh come on!" She teased. "You're trying to distract me because you know I'm right."

He slowly shook his head in disagreement, placing his half empty cup of coffee on the breakfast bar. "No. I believe what I was saying. 'A Bugs Life' is a great way to introduce entomology to a class of nerdy students."

Sara burst out laughing now that he had voiced aloud what they were debating about. "You should use that charming wit more often Gil. You're hilarious."

"Mock me as you wish, but don't turn to me next week when I prove it."

Laughing so hard, she reached out her hand to steady herself. Her hand clamped to his arm as he moved closer. "You are so forbidden to do any such thing, Doctor Grissom."

"We'll see about that." He chuckled. "I'll have Henry overrule you."

She snorted. "Not bloody likely."

Chuckling again and this time covering her hand on his arm, he smiled. "Still," He paused, looking into her glistening with mirth eyes.

"I'd give up. You're in no way going to talk me into it." She calmed her beating heart only for it to kick start at the look in his eyes.

Another moment and they were both certain things could have gone some place, but Sara was still unwilling to let him step over the line between them. Though she wanted to, she was afraid of what the outcome would be. The feelings of loss and embarrassment were still there, which was lessening, but still a sharp reminder.

Grissom blinked and squeezed her hand gently, raising it and dipping his head to place a warm kiss to her palm. He moved past her to reach the refrigerator. "I'm hungry again." He sighed, wistfully gazing at the contents.

Waiting a breath, Sara picked up her coffee and took a sip before addressing him without turning. "There is some fruit salad leftover from last nights meal."

"Hmm," He hummed in hungry appreciation, still staring into the depths.

Another minute past before Sara rattled around and against her thoughts and left only her feelings out in the open. She set her cup down with a scary decision on her mind. Before talking herself out of her decided actions, she turned and approached the fridge.

Slowly leaning around the man blocking the way, she lifted her right hand to rest on Grissom's broad back, fingers caressing lightly against the muscles beneath . Her left hand retrieved the covered fruit salad bowl. "Gil," She said his name almost on a silent breath, turning her face towards his as he responded. "Don't leave this time." She whispered. "I couldn't bare it a second time."

He slowly reacted, pushing his head forward to brush a kiss across her lips.

With the fruit salad taken from her hand, Sara moved in to be wrapped up against his chest. Grissom placed the salad on the unit and shuffled them back a little to swing the fridge door shut. Some items on the top shook, but nothing compared to the earthquake equivalent in each of their hearts.

His arms around her and her arms around him, things held and kissed leisurely. Both enjoying the intimacy of something lost and something completely new. Contentment and acceptance, both with each other and with their lives.

Watching Greg and Nick drive off, Warrick moved back towards the softball field. Though they had only been practising, it was fun and relaxing to meet up with the guys outside work after the busy few weeks they'd had.

Snatching up a stray softball, Warrick flexed his hands around the ball as he looked out across the field towards the small metallic stands and the only two people left in the area.

"Come here often?" Grissom asked as he collected up bats that were flung on the grass around the dugout.

"Oh, you know, it depends."

Chuckling softly, he grabbed a bat bag and started putting the bats inside. "Is it the game? The bodies or the action?"

"Can't it be neither? I might actually know someone and be meeting them."

Looking up, he laughed. "A pretty thing like you? I doubt you'd be associated with sweaty, dirty, middle aged men in shorts and falling on their asses."

She laughed. "I wouldn't say that was the reason, but-"

"Sara Sidle?" Warrick called out as he walked across first base. "What are you doing here? Don't you work on weekends?" He teased her, reminding her off old times.

"Funny Rick." She countered, grinning. "I'm on a break. Thought I'd check out what you guys were doing, then snatch Gil away and feed him before he goes off to his big convention thing in Colorado."

"Ah, I get ya. You're not gonna see your bugman for two days and wanna make sure he eats healthy and give him the 'behave your ass and stay out of trouble' talk." Warrick let out a loud laugh when a softball hit him in the stomach. The power behind the throw was minimal and not meant to injure, so it just dropped to the young mans feet.

"I think it's time to go." Grissom commented with a calm small sigh. It was hot and he'd been in the sun for several hours.

Warrick grabbed the bag from his boss' hand and gestured towards Sara. "I'll finish up, you let Sara get the 'woman thang' over with."

"Thanks Warrick." Grissom headed for the stands and picked up his sports bag. Slinging it over his right shoulder, he walked up to Sara and looped his left arm around her waist. "What's a 'woman's thang', anyway?"

Sara giggled and hugged him sideways. "He's referring to me reading you your 'off limits with other woman' rights."

"Ah." He nodded thoughtfully, stepping onto the parking lot and leading the way to her car. "I guess I need to hear that, because I don't think I have the updated version."

Laughing into his shoulder, she walked with him slowly. "You think you're so funny."

"I can't help myself sometimes." He chuckled.

Stopping in front of her car, Sara turned into Grissom's arms and looked up into his eyes, watching for a moment as they wandered over her face.

"I'm buying, I'll drop you off later to pick up your car." She smiled, kissing him once on the lips.

"Warrick drove me." He kissed her back, smirking when she leaned against him. "And I'm buying."

Huffing against the side of his neck, she said. "I'm perfectly capable of buying lunch."

"I know." He smiled at her as his hands ran up her back. "But I'm not going to see you for a few days and I'm thinking we make the most of the time we have together."

Thinking this over, Sara thought it was a wonderful idea. Might as well milk the day for all it was worth. She was hungry and she wasn't needed anywhere, so dinner with Grissom sounded perfect.

"Ok. And when you get back , we have our first reconstruction lecture and field trip. So you can think that over while you're away too."

It wasn't the only thing he thought about while he was away. Re-evaluation of life and those most important in his life made him think things over and come to many realisations that would allow him to start life over.

"I should have realised." Grissom said with a bright eyed glance in her direction, the two standing and watching the bus empty.

"Realised what?" Sara asked, searching the sky for any sounds of thunder as the wind picked up and the clouds darken.

"That I'm in love." He smiled to himself and chuckled.

Sara stared at his back as he took a step forward. "Gil."

"Come on! Before the storm hits!" He yelled over the noisy wind.

She smiled and bent to pick up her case. A hand reached under hers first and grabbed the case instead. She looked up to find Grissom looking at her with no smile of amusement, only clear openness and unguarded emotion. He leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on her lips before a small smile formed. Sara returned it, knowing that things from the past, even recently, had changed and turned into goodness and hope. Both of which she thought was lost to her.

"Love?" She murmured.

"Uh huh." His eyes twinkled.

"Love?" She repeated, her voice turned teasing.

He smiled. "Oodles of it."

She laughed and cupped his cheek with her right hand. Her rough skin against his smooth shaven skin, was a reminder of how they had come to be here today, but even all that time grieving and pain, something had blossomed, something that both were now unashamed or guilty about. Something beautiful.

"Love for you, that is so deep, you are a part of my heart and my soul." His voice whispered with such a depth of emotion that it set Sara's heart pounding and her soul never before more elated by such words.

Swallowing around tears of belonging and joy, she managed to speak with a voice thick with feeling. "Gil Grissom, you amaze me. And I love you more than life itself."

He sniffled suddenly, before enveloping her in his arms and holding her tight.

Students were shuffling around in groups of amazement. The exercise of a recreation of a cold case set before them, surrounded by yellow police tape and sheltered with a huge white tent, had them in awe and fascination and completely oblivious of the display behind them.

****

End.


End file.
